looking for a way out

[happyfrown]

I hate feeling so lost and empty that all i can think about is thinking of ways out. then feel guilty i would think that!
last night i was looking up how many sleeping pills i need to keep me asleep. i don't want to die, its a desperate grasp to get relief from all the pain. people cant see my pain they just see 'weird' or antisocial.
docs don't know what to do with borderline its too complicated. i cant take anti-d's they send me manic. ive just snapped out of a pet phase and now my bank is ruined, my ocd is coming back now the fog of the phase has gone. ive pushed everyone away, i'll only hurt them.
no need for replies just talking to myself here cos i know someone out there reading this can relate, even if they don't reply.
when talking to my friend i can see how uncomfortable she is so ive been withdrawn lately. keep myself to myself.

I hear you, and I understand. Fellow borderline here, pretty much dropped by all the services and my doctors doesn't have a clue what to do with me.
I just isolate myself from my family, shutting myself in my bedroom away from even the kids. Sometimes I just want to rip my own skin open I can feel the anxiety eating me away.
I don't want to die either but I want to escape.
I wish I could help you, but I can't even help myself.
Regarding the medication though I do have some that helps but it took ages to find it I'm on Quetiapine and Fluxotiene to regulate my moods. I self sabotage there too though by not taking the medicine as it's so hard to get my repeat from the doctors as they always want to see me but they don't have a clue about my history and then its a nightmare to get into see them anyway.
Ah god now I've turned your rant into my own rant. Please rant back at me I'll listen.

your not ranting at all.
i have no family, well i have my dd left. i had 3 but i sent the other 2 to live with their dad for their own mental health
i tried quetiapine it knocked me out i couldn't even walk to the bathroom, i was on fluoxetine for 3yrs but it made me psychotic, hearing voices, seeing shadows. ive also been on citalipran, sertraline, dolsepine (i think it was called) i get manic and although i have sprees, phases, impulses without meds - when i do it was ten fold and i couldn't see what i was doing wrong.
no docs don't know how to help, theres so many traits to borderline seems too many things to fix, when one thing is going right the other symptom kicks up.
i don't see me ever being OK, i don't see a family, a partner, happiness, a career or a future i just see a dark hole.

The one thing that helped me was seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital they actually seemed to know what they were doing and I really rather miss them they cared or at least they really seemed to, the guy I saw understood if I didn't make it to my appointment.

The thing is there has to be brighter days, they just have to be there. You know they say you can recover from BPD, a lot of the time it apparently gets better as you get older. It's just making it there I guess and its so misunderstood as an illness and you get people who judge you and think it makes you the most awful person in the world but its all just you feeling more than a normal person.

www.reddit.com/bpd is pretty good for helping you understand it, and understanding it sometimes helps to fight it.

Sounds like you've been through them all, I did the same Citalopram helped for so long before it made me suicidal and it took ages for the quetiapine to stop knocking me out.

Not every day is always going to be as dark as this one, you've already proven how strong you can be by protecting your children the best way you could. One that really helped me was group therapy, it was really scary and I hated the anticipation of each session but it helped so much and the other people there were lovely, if you can get a referral for it you should give it a shot. If not you can just keep talking to me and we'll be our own little support group

thanks for your nice reply,
I see a counsellor for a year with cbt, didn't dent the edges on me. then I done a 16wk D.I.T course with therapist, interpersonal therapy. which helped get out feelings but im still me.
ive been asking for DBT for years. the help here in Essex is non existent. I nearly took myself to a&e the other day cos I was scared for myself. my dd is away with her dad at the moment (coming home today) and being alone gives me the chance to stop it all but the thought of my dd coming back to tell me how much fun she had only to find im not here. helped a little.
my borderline has got worse the older I got? maybe its the stresses of life? the quetiapine knock me out, I was nauseous, dizzy, the room span if I stood up. I couldn't take it cos I am the only one here to look after DD. I was so bad her dad (my ex) had to come and be with her.

I would accept any kind of therapy to help me get better but here it is gold dust to get any therapy or appointments.
most my days are dark, it only gets lighter when I get into a phase, spending spree when I feel a little more lifted but then its not real its just a diversion for a while that I spend out of control and have impulses and focus on it for weeks. then It suddenly stops, I snap out of it and lose interest. even if the project is half finished. a lot of the time its animals. if not d.i.y or exercises.
sorry now im ranting.