I’m such a mess sorry 😔

[CrazyCatMum]

I don’t know what to do, feel like I’m going mad.
I know my paranoia is getting bad but I don’t know if that’s what it is or if it’s real.
I found out last week that my dad died 3 years ago and no one told me but then why would they I had had no contact with them for 16 years because of abuse.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel should I be happy, sad, numb, it’s messing with my head.
My meds’ have been getting messed up for a few weeks and it feels like no one is listening to me I don’t have the energy to sort it.

I’m trying to be honest with my team but wheats the point, it feels like they are getting fed up of me, feels like they want me to not be here...see more paranoia or is it

My head hurts really bad but I’m scared to go back to the drs because the last time I ended up in hospital for 4days haveing every tests and being poked and prodded and I hate being touched

I just feel a mess mixed up and wanting to bail 😢😢

Didn’t want to read and run. Handholding 💐

Don’t forget you can call the Samaritans on 116123 in the uk for free all day/night

Here with another hand to hold

Seeing the time you've posted I just want you to know someone is awake to read what you've said.

Regardless of your relationship with your dad, you should have been told of his passing at the time. Not surprised you feel in turmoil about the news

I feel cheated, feel like he got away with the abuse again, I reported him 17 years ago but because I was a forces child the police said it was too complicated for him to be spoken to never mind charged and now he really has got away with it. I could report my mum but I will get the same response.
But it is what it is
I had it all planned in my head that I wasn’t going to be here anymore but now I’m scared what if I die and he’s there waiting for me and the abuse continues? Told you I was mad

I have no energy left for anything, I feel like there’s no point to anything anymore. My kids are definately not enough to keep me here, my cat used to be but isn’t anymore although I feel bad that no one may want him as he’s a bit of a psycho cat 😔
I just don’t know how to fix this or if I even want to anymore it’s just to hard to keep breathing. 😭

No advice really but so sad to hear you're suffering so much. You don't sound paranoid at all, just a victim of the worst kind of abuse. Please take care.

Huge hugs to you catmum

Sorry to hear things are so tough. Have you got the number for crisis ream? It sounds like you need to call them if they are not already involved. Or take yourself to A&E It sounds like you are really not very well right now. Your team will not be fed up with you, they are there to help you, infact you needing their support is keeping them in a job.

Crisis team are involved but get the feeling they are fed up of me.
Spoke to out of hours cpn earlier and she just seemed to dismiss everything I said or maybe I just didn’t say the right thing, I don’t even know what the right thing to say is anymore. It was easier when I could just say I was fine everyone accepted that, life was easier, I was numb, didn’t feel anything. Now I feel everything and it really hurts 😢

I’m really sorry to hear you struggling, have things gotten any better since this thread?
I’m also in a bad place, for different reasons but the end feeling is the same, do you have anyone around who can check in on you?
Are your children old enough to help look after you a bit?

I don’t think you’re being paranoid, I think you’ve been through a lot and your feeling of turmoil are completely valid! I really hope you start to feel happier soon