I feel scared.

[Herja]

I think I need to go to the doctor. I feel very scared about this. I'm worried about what happens next, worried about potentially being medicated. Worried about loosing the good sides of me.

I think I may have either bi polar 2 or borderline personality disorder. Fuck it, possibly even both. I'm struggling with life a lot at the moment. I have been self harming again for the past year, it's getting noticeably worse now. I had an affair of fairly spectacular proportions. I have had several bouts of extreme spending. I currently have frequent suicidal thoughts. Occasional hallucinations. Delusions. I recently became convinced stbexh was trying to drive me mad to gain custody of the children. My social anxiety has become worse and I can't always hide it anymore. I feel a bit of a mess.

So, I feel I need to do something about this. Well, sometimes I do. Right now I do. Other times, it feels like it's all ridiculous and there can't be a problem. Not me. There's nothing wrong at all.

Yesterday, for a few hours, I felt so high it was like being on coke. Today I feel incredibly low. I'm not always able to cope with the kids anymore.

But I feel so scared.

And now already, it seems like a ridiculous idea to go to he GP. I'm fine right now. They'd probably just laugh at me. I'm often fine. Half of each day maybe? And when I'm fine, I really am. It's how I managed to stop anyone ever noticing. But when I'm not fine, I'm really, really not now.

Hi Herja,

It's really not a ridiculous idea. It's a really really good idea.

Why dont you also give Mind a call - totally anonymous - and they'll be able to give you some good advice hopefully.

look after yourself.

Then decide if "often fine" is good enough for the rest of your life. If not, seek help.

Often fine doesn't mean well. You need to see your GP so you can be always fine.

Your GP definitely won’t laugh at you. Make sure you tell them everything (I know it’s really hard, but each time you tell someone it gets a bit easier) and your fear of weight gain - there are lots of different options for medications and only some cause weight gain.

I had a GP appointment today. You were right, he didn't laugh. I've got an appointment with the specialist mental health nurse, in two weeks. Looking at referrals after that. Thank you all .

well done i’m very pleased for you! you’ve done the right thing

and it does a get a lot better i promise!

Had a meeting with a psychiatrist today. They weren't really sure why I was there. Nor am I now. The GP and mental health nurse seem to have both focused entirely on the self harm, which is escalating but not very bad at the moment and in any case I find helpful. I think all that will come of this is a referral to social services for the children.

I really wish I had never been to the GP. I feel so tired now. Today has wiped me out and for nothing. I just want to know what's going on with my head and to try and be in control of it again.

It was exactly what I worried about. Why I have avoided ever mentioning anything. My life was turned into a list of me being an incapable parent. And I'm just not. My children are the only thing I do well, the only thing I care about. I have never let them know that anything is wrong, no matter how I'm feeling. But because some of the delusions have centered around them, that's all that's noticed. That and me burning myself. The real problem is my mood, not the self harm. I wish, so much, that I hadn't gone.