Hi
First of all, excuse the lack of abbreviations - I'm not overly familiar with the ones used on here!!
I'm a single mum in my late 20s with one daughter aged 9. I've been her sole carer since she was 2 months old. Dad not on the scene at all - I suffered bad DV from him during our time together and took out a restraining order a few months after she was born.
I was taking citalopram for depression and anxiety from 2012 until 6 weeks ago in varying doses. I began counselling last year and felt in a really great place so began weaning myself down from 40mg of citalopram from around March this year. I took things very slowly. Would lower by 10mg every 4 weeks. I eventually got down to 10mg and was only taking twice a week so in August I decided to stop taking it. Suffered some mildly unpleasant physical side effects - nausea, head zaps, dizziness - but mentally and emotionally I felt absolutely fine. Even positive! I was doing really well and then a week ago was just hit by extreme anxiety. Shakiness, increased heart rate, overthinking, obsessing over things, hot flushes. My daughter and I have been staying at my mum's for the last few days as I reached out and said I couldn't cope - something I've never had to admit before. And I feel incredibly guilty that I had to. I only attended work twice this week. And I'm someone that never takes sick leave, I always power through. When I was at work, I couldn't focus. People were speaking to me and I couldn't hear them. I would start crying every time I had to speak to anyone about anything. My Mum's been brilliant - cooking for me, assisting with little one (who thinks I have a stomach bug, hence she hasn't seen much of me), but I also have associated anxiety with regards to my Mum due to tumultuous teenage years experienced in her house and a volatile relationship due to her mild drinking problem. We've fixed our relationship now, but the house is the one I grew up in and not exactly my comfort zone. I'm also very anxious that I'm going to affect my daughter! We've got through 9 years and I'm so nervous that I could mess things up now. We are due to go home this evening and tomorrow morning it'll be back to the school run and work etc and the routine of the life of a single mum! I know that if I don't get back into routine, I will make things worse but I feel like even the most little things right now seem like an anxiety-inducing challenge. I also feel very trapped in my own home, it no longer feels like my sanctuary. Every week day from 5.45pm onwards, we are home. I do the dinner, bedtime routine and the cleaning and then from roughly 8pm I am left alone with my thoughts. At the weekends, we have little money and no company so struggle for things to do. And I love my daughter with all my heart, but I'm dying for adult company. I could easily not speak to any other adult from the moment I leave work on a Friday evening until I arrive back there on a Monday morning.
I've spoken to my counsellor and the GP. They've been supportive and I have a GP appt later this week and a telephone call with my counsellor tomorrow. I know I would never ever do anything stupid but I just don't see this improving! I haven't had an episode like this for 4 years and I lost a few months and a stone of weight before I came out the other side last time. So I am anxious even more about the potential long journey I have ahead of me. I know that noone can help me, but me! But wish there was an alternative as I'm not a helpful version of myself right now! I've also lived on my own for 10+ years and I'm suffering terribly from loneliness. I don't have a social group or a partner. I just can't make friends or relationships work. I tend to surround myself with people that don't appreciate me or are unavailable and I always put others first. I've been told I'm took nice. But I'm also equally capable of cutting people off and being confrontational. I think I feel a lot of anger from things I went through as a young adult.
Just want to know I'm not mad!
Thank you x