just need to offload please.

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Namechanged for this.

A few years ago I had an awful year.
What happened isn't something that many people go through, so it was difficult to get support and because it involved me having to stay strong to support others, made it much harder to cope with.
I felt myself getting very low and despite my reluctance, ended up on antidepressants.
Just as I was about to feel a bit better, one of my siblings died suddenly and tragically at a young age.
These two major life events completely changed my outlook on life, and unfortunately have made me very pessimistic and anxious.
My relationship broke up afterwards but after what I had been through previously, it didn't feel half as painful as it may have done otherwise.

I came off of the antidepressants after about a year and last year I started to feel that life was getting better again. No major issues, my new relationship was and still is going well, and I started to feel normal again, although I was always on edge waiting for the 'next thing'

Then, early this year we were all happy when DD and her long term partner got pregnant.
All went well until a few weeks before her due date when her midwife missed something, resulting in her giving birth early and being very poorly. We were told that had she not got medical attention when she did, the outcome for her and baby could have been extremely serious. We know exactly what they mean without them saying it (I can't even write it down as it will make it too real!)
DD and baby are doing well for which I am extremely grateful, but I am haunted by what happened and more to the point - what could have happened.

I come home to an empty house after being with DD (I have had time off work to look after her as her partner
is now back at work) and more often than not I burst into tears.
I get panicky if I don't hear from her for a couple of hours (although refrain from hassling her!), feel sick and have occasional palpitations.

I have a stressful, professional job which involves caring for others and keeping a level head, but I just resent it these days.

If I talk to others they just say 'be grateful she's/they are ok!'
But I can't.
I have flashbacks of what happened and I get sick in the pit of my stomach.

Because it's still early days, I guess I should wait and see if I feel better in time, but I fear I'll end up back on medication.

I feel I will never be able to enjoy life again because shit things happen to me whenever things start to improve!
My partner has booked a lovely holiday for us but I can only pretend to get excited. I'm scared to go so far away in case something awful happens whilst I am away.

Is there anyone who can relate to this?!
Can I be helped without medication?
Is there any hope for me?!

Thanks for reading

Be gentle with yourself. I would say it's normal to feel terrible after what you have been through. Don't beat yourself up, just give yourself some time. Focus on things that make yourself feel better. I know for me it is exercise and decent sleep and going out with friends.

It sounds like you have had tremendously stressful time and it's hard to bounce back from that. Have you thought about counselling? I had cbt for anxiety and unwanted thoughts and it truly helped, although I never would have believed so before I went.

Thanks for all replies. I do think my current state is PTSD but not sure what can be done for that, apart from time?

DD will probably go for 'debriefing' at the hospital but that will be for her and her partner.

I have heard so many mixed reviews about counselling. Mostly negative because of not feeling a rapport with the counsellor. I can't really afford private sessions either so would be at the mercy of an already overstretched NHS service (do they even provide this on the NHS anymore anyway?!)
I might see if I can get any via occupational health though.

I will try CBT but I am sceptical about everything!
I mean, no one can make me feel better about any of the things I've experienced can they?
How exactly does CBT work please?

I haven't got a lot to say except hang in there and have a massive virtual hug.

PTSD is fucking horrible. It makes you overreact to subsequent life stresses and it can be really overwhelming.

You deserve support. Put the 'overstretched NHS' bull out of your mind - that's the depression and anxiety talking. You deserve support. I repeat, you deserve support.

Medication is different for everyone, so please try not to compare yourself to others on this account. I was going to tell you about my medication experiences, but then I realised it would be irrelevant for you. Just know that lots of us need it at different times, and for different durations. There's no comparison that's relevant except what will make you well.

Counselling saved my life, but I have strong views that people who are ill - as I was - should go to well trained medical professionals, e.g. clinical psychologists who specialise in CBT. I know some people have great experiences with counsellors, but they don't need a lot of training to give themselves that label and there can be vast variation in the quality, so you need to be careful.

Take care of yourself. You sound like a lovely, warm, giving person, and again, I repeat, you deserve support. x

Thank you happy for your kind post.

I suppose I just hate the stigma that medication brings

I don't think I'm depressed, but then I didn't before! I had to fill out a questionnaire which scored me as moderately depressed and I was quite shocked!

But I do feel extremely anxious and getting to the point of not wanting to socialise in case DD needs me. My anxiety over the baby is a bit abnormal too.

I do have a lovely GP (when I can get an appointment ) and from reading all the replies, think maybe a trip to him is justified.

Thanks for everyone's kindness

Good luck OP. My cbt consisted of excercises and felt more practical than just talking. I had really crippling social anxiety where I would find myself unable to speak in social situations. So for instance I would be given exercises to practice turning my focus outward rather than on myself - almost like meditation. Or we would logically examine some incident where my anxiety was triggered from an outside perspective.

I hope I'm explaining it properly! It really did help. I felt like my anxiety had taken over my mind and the cbt was about learning to take back control.

project
I'm willing to give anything a try!

But part of me thinks 'what's the point!' as no amount of help will actually stop these things happening to me.
Bad luck just seems to follow me

Psychotherapy saved my life, but I think a lot of it is doing it when you're ready and with a therapist that works.

You may find counselling is fine as it's about a one-off incident, or you might feel that something long term is helpful instead.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer and was aware my friends needed support to deal with I diagnosis. It's normal to need that even if you aren't the one who was unwell. Look after yourself.

It can't hurt, at least. You can't control the shit life throws at you sometimes, no. But you can choose whether or not it breaks you.

Caulk good luck with treatment

EMDR - life changing for me
I was lucky enough to be able to access it privately though and it was worth every penny.

Sorry to hear that Caulk Good luck with your treatment.

notmybag Thanks for that. I have never heard of EMDR so googled it. It sounds wonderful! But I fear it's not readily available - and I can't afford to pay privately.

I will ask my dr for counselling and/or CBT

Thanks to everyone who has replied

Be aware that NHS counselling is often just 6weeks or maybe 3 months if you're lucky. That might be fine but often you need that long just to build a relationship with the person. I went privately which is an expense, and i prioritise it over other things. However I know i am better doing that then spending the money on other stuff

EMDR should be available on the NHS as per NICE guidelines on PTSD. So it would be worth pursuing and getting this diagnosis confirmed so that appropriate treatments can be accessed.
Best of luck