Going crazy

[bobalinga]

Just needed to vent. I spend all day every day indoors staring at 4 walls and a quadraplegic child. All my 'friends' are too busy having fun lives to ever come see me. Which makes me sad as whenever they went through tough times I always called them or went over. So many people didn't keep in touch after DD2 was born brain damaged.
Life seems to be passing me by and seems totally pointless now. All I have to look forward too is 30 odd years of lifting and nappy changing until I die.
DD1 ran away 3 months ago and I still don't know why. She wont tell me, seems to hate me, I am a total failure as a mother and just think 'what ifs'
What is the point in even staying alive anymore?

I'm so sorry for all you're having to go through bobalinga.

It sounds like the price of being a strong and undoubtedly excellent mother. Carers in this country (and no doubt elsewhere) get no support and I'm really sorry your friends have supported you either.

Is dd2's father around? can you get/force him to offer you more respite?

Yeah, he helps out so he's the only adult I ever see but I need female friends. Tried a mumsnet meetup but after people saw DD2 there was no more contact.
Its just so hurtful that when something goes wrong everyone deserts you. I feel like I must be a bad person. DD2 being born brain damaged, DD1 running away. No-one ever coming round despite all the effort I put in. So I'm feel hurt and angry too. I always helped friends if they were down but its never reciprocated. I am a doormat.
I feel worthless and useless and keep hoping the breast lump I have is malignant so I have a reason to leave all this.

Oh hon, please phone the samaritans asap. You sound really down. Are you local to me, (Beds) I would come and see you. Is there no support groups near you? I'll bump this for you later on, if that helps.

Bobalinga so sorry you're feeling like this.

I can understand that its probably a real life friend to talk to that you need, but are you involved with any respite organisations or support groups?

Had a quick look, what about

\link{http://www.crossroadscarebathnes.org.uk/crossroads carers?}

or carers uk

or this one has some good info

Carers are at such risk of being isolated and depressed, it's not just you, you're not a doormat, its just a very very hard thing to do, and you need support, time to yourself, someone to talk to, friends, and to feel valued and cared for yourself. Please try to get some help, you deserve it.

sorry first link didn't work

crossroads

bobalinga bumping up for you

I really wish I wasn't 9 months pg, I would be up to see you asap. I live in SE London, perhaps after the birth of my lo you would like to get in touch? I don't have CAT yet but will get it.

Hi Bobalinga - TheLarch was me (was trying a new name for the day) - i have no idea why i thought you were in bristol - all the links i posted were Bristol and not sure where i got that from, sorry if none of it is helpful.

I am posting from experience - not of being a carer in the same way as you, but i did rely alot on a family carers org last year when my dp was ill, and it was a lifeline - i was offered an advocate, if i'd needed to i could have accessed respite care, support groups, outings, relaxation days - so much support and friendship it really made a bad few months bearable. You might have already been down this avenue, but if not, it's worth doing. I can help you find organisations in your area if you need me to?

Definitely sounds like you need to see your gp too, about the breast lump and the depression. Maybe some counselling would help, just having someone to talk to every week?

I really hope you get some help, feel free to CAT me if you think i can do anything xx

Oh Bobalinga I am so sorry. Life can deal such horrible cards. It makes me so angry to hear of mums like you, hanging in there because no-one else is, and getting no support. You are obviously a really strong, caring mum. I can't really empathise - my hassles seem really trivial, but I just wanted to be another voice reaching out to you.
Also, with the weather being so gorgeous just now, can you get out in the country, somewhere quiet, maybe with a huge view? (There is something about a view to make your personal hell seem a bit smaller in my experience) Just say, a picnic for the two of you at least? Or, if you are fit enough and well-heeled enough a bike with one of those trailers, for an outing.

Thanks for the kind words. I am in Bristol ass it happens, the city of hell.
PinkCandy, we do get some respite - 2 hours a week (whoop) when I try and get some time with my remaining children. I think its all too much right now. I miss DD1 so much but she doesn't care and has cut me off. I just sit looking at photos of when she was younger and wonder where it all went so wrong. I tried to be a good mum but having DD2 meant I spent all day with her and was too exhausted to notice my eldest was so unhappy. Too tired to do 'fun' things.
I want her back and my heart hurts so much now. I spend all day crying. At this rate I'll lose the other two as well.
DH helps as much as he can but he doesn't understand depression, he doesn't get how lonely I am and how worthless I feel.
But thankyou all of you for replying. It means a lot.

Hi Bobalinga
I've been thinking about you all day. I do think rantinghousewife made a good suggestion. I called the Samaritans when I lost my brother twenty years ago. I wasn't feeling suicidal, just wanted to know where I might get counselling. They were so nice, I talked to them quite a while, and although I didn't take them up they offered counselling to me. Please don't dwell on the past or think about what life might be down the line, just concentrate on today. I'm sending hugs over the airwaves and hope you are feeling stronger tomorrow.

Bumping for you, hope you're feeling better.

Hi Bobalinga
How are things? Hope you've managed to get out and about this Easter, and felt a bit of the sunshine.