Will it always be like this?

[PhantomBlooper]

I had a sort of breakdown a couple of months ago. It resulted in me falling back to self-harm and attempting suicide. This was, largely, attributed to me being made redundant earlier this year and taking a job that required a long commute, lots of time away from my DP and DD (who is now nearly 2).

I have suffered from mental health issues in the past. When I was a teenager I self-harmed quite intensively, often to the point where I probably needed medical attention but didn't always. This stemmed from abuse that I went through between the ages of 12 and 16 and a turbulent home life. My DM is an alcoholic and I have struggled quite a lot in dealing with that.

Since my breakdown a couple of months ago, I have resigned from my job and started a new one. This is fantastic as the hours are more suitable, there is virtually no commute (7 min drive) and DP is due to start a new job which means we will see more of each other.

Happy days? Well, it should be, I suppose. But tonight I'm finding myself slip-sliding back in to a destructive train of thought. I believed that I was getting better. I felt better. But I can feel everything start to tumble down again. I want to hurt myself, to the point where I am unable to get it out of my head.

I'm starting to think that I will never be able to function 'normally'. I have problems with binge eating and this is getting me down because I'm putting on weight. I feel inadequate and surrounded by things that are beyond my control.

I have been referred by the MH team to a service that helps survivors of abuse but I'm on a waiting list. As I'm no longer 'in crisis' I have been referred back to my GP. Medication-wise, I made the decision to come off Citalopram as it caused my jaw to tremor quite seriously. The withdrawals were awful but I'm finally out of the other side; I suffered with 'brain zaps' quite badly for a while, but they are pretty much gone now. I know I should get back on some sort of medication but I am resentful of it. I am resentful of the fact that my DP is able to function properly and it's such an effort for me to get through a day without wanting to hurt myself.

Urgh, this is more of a rant than anything else. Sorry.

I know what mean about being resentful
I don't have any advice as I only just sought help a few weeks ago myself
I feel like I shouldn't have to be doing this, like everyone else seems to be able to cope with life
I have a follow up doctors appt this morning, not sure what she'll say as I didn't follow her advice and didn't use my sick note
I'm more worried about an occupational health interview I have at work on Friday . I feel like I will need to play down my symptoms as now I'm scared of losing my job and my driving license
I'm just so angry about it all

I just wanted to send love.

I've not been in the whole situation but I have been in some of it. I am facing redundancy myself now, so anxiety creeping in.

I haven't taken citalopram I take sertraline very successfully. I guess not an option?

I used to self harm as a teenager too, and had a similar breakdown when my child was 2 - I was working 4 days a week, and my husband was having a dreadful time at work and the worry about staying afloat got to me. Additionally our toddler started to develop anxiety resulting in selective mutism. It was truly the worst time of our lives.

We actually had to change things totally in the end. We took in lodgers to help with the bills ( we still have one now!) I went full time ( I had better job security) and my husband stopped work to be at home with our son to help him with the anxiety ( it worked thank god and he is now 6, at school and happy).

Fast forward a few years, husband now doing a PGCE to train to be a primary teacher from September 2018, son doing well at school, I got promoted at work and feel much more confident in my self worth.

We do still have struggles - son recently diagnosed with ASD, debts quietly mounting and my work situation is stressful. However the difference is that I can see a way forward because I'm not so exhausted by crippling depression. I'll get another job, we may get a decent settlement, my husband will be earning again soon and we are starting to understand what services can help our son.

my coping mechanisms are simple: sertraline, running, sleep and fresh air. But we had a long recovery period from what was a horrendous time.

Much love, I hope there is something useful you can take from my post.

Oh, and I promise that not everyone is doing brilliantly - I know it can seem that way.

Forgot to mention my DM is also an alcoholic which I where I believe a lot of my problems stem from too

I'm getting myself so wound up again

I feel like ADs haven't worked at all

Comps, I'm glad you have sought help with what you are going through. In terms of occupational health and work, please remember that you cannot be discriminated against because of mental health issues. The best thing I did was to get a sick note and go off, even though it jarred for me to have 'depression' on it and have my employers seeing that. Being off gave me some time and space, and took one of my perceived pressures off for a while so I could start to get my head straight.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat re: DM. I have struggled with it for years. It breaks my heart that she goes from a very loving mother to someone totally unrecognisable and quite emotionally abusive. It's sad and I don't know how to cope with it.

Thanks for the love, missfliss. I'm glad to hear you have found things that work for you. I must, must, must go back to the GP and reconsider medication, because I know they do help. I couldn't cope with the tremors that Citalopram caused me; it actually made me more down. But I guess that doesn't mean that other types of meds won't work.

Yes things can get better. I've had a few episodes of mental ill health, depression, anxiety and PTSD. You are very early in terms of recovery following a 'breakdown' . This time last year I was incredibly poorly with PTSD, I couldn't even remember how to make a cup of tea! I am recovering well, but not 100% yet, but each month gets easier. It's great news that you are on the waiting list for specialist help too. With ADs they normally reccomend continuing for at least 6 months after reaching your optimum, it's worth discussing different ADs with your GP to find one that suits you better.

comps both DH and I have always found occupational health very supportive of our mental health problems. It's not about them sacking you due to your health, it's about them supporting you to stay in work. They may well suggest that you take time off sick though if that's what you GP has reccomended. DH was sent to see them after he had time off sick and they wrote to his boss telling him that DH had done the right thing being off sick at that time and they fully supported him in this. Also they suggested that he should be allowed to see his CPN regularly in work time.