Hi there.
I've just recovered from a severe major depression. I am over the worst of the symptoms and have coping mechanisms in the form of talking therapies and a strong support structure of friends.
What I am struggling with is how to deal with my mother and her personality disorder.
My mum had some sort of childhood trauma/abuse. We don't know what it is and she will not talk about it. In fact if you try, she will get explosively angry in defence. That wall is brick built, re-enforced with steel and surrounded by land mines.
Mum has always been 'touchy' about criticism. You simply cannot tell her when she's hurt or upset you. she will not have it. You will be attacked with some of the most vicious and evil words that no one should ever hear from a parent. She has told me, to name but a few of the more mild….yes mild words, that she will knock me out, break every bone in my body or throw me down the stairs. All because I asked her to do something as innocuous as 'take a breath' when she was having a strop about something equally as stupid.
She has boundary issues. Closed doors and locked doors mean nothing to her. She will barge in and demand entry to where you are if she wants to say something to you. If you resist, such as asking for your privacy when you're in the bathroom, or please knock before you come into my room, more aggressive bile will be shouted. "i don't give a shit' is her favourite response to most things as if that is a full and comprehensive argument to everything. She will mock you in a childish voice if you protest, repeating your words back to you in the voice of a 6 year old.
She has no respect for rights of property. She will open your mail because "I'm your mother I can do what I want'. She will throw your things away, go through your drawers and cupboards and on and on.
One of the worst violations for me was when the hospital sent me a letter outlining my depression and its causes. In there was a lot about mum and, of course, she opened it and read it all. Despite the large 'confidential' signs and that it was ADDRESSED TO ME, she opened it anyway. The nuclear war that erupted after that. How DARE you blame me.
When I had the worst of my depression she was so cruel to me, she;d get angry when I couldn't face going out, angry if I couldn't face getting out of bed, angry for all of it. the only time she showed any interest was when id been to a dr's appointment, only though so she could say "oh i've seen him, he treated me when i had blah blah blah…." There was no "what did he say? did it help? how are YOU feeling?"
She is also the overly critical type who, despite being overweight herself, will happily say to others that they need to lose weight. one of many examples of 'people in glass houses' she is a classic projectionist.
She is ALWAYS ill as well. The kind of person who, if you've got a headache, she's got a brain tumour. If you have a cold, she had it first and a worse form than you. EVERYTHING is about her being ill. I can only assume this is how she got attention as a child. Be ill and mum and dad will pay attention. She has so many gadgets and accessories that she simply HAS to have to parade herself in front of her friends but NEVER uses at home…..i.e hearing aids, walking sticks, a hundred pairs of glasses and stickers everywhere announcing she is disabled or needs special medication. If you suggest to her, when she can't hear something, to wear her hearing aids cos she is shouting when she talks, she won't' but if one of her friends comes around, guaranteed she will wear them. "oh i've got to wear these glasses ALL the time says the optician…" does she? NO not unless someone is there to WITNESS it……….attention.
Anyway, my actual issue here is that I am so conflicted. I love mum and hate that she was abused and hasn't learned these boundaries and didn't develop naturally but at the same time, there are times when I really do not like her, find it hard to talk to her and just want her to go away, leave me alone and stop invading my space. I feel so guilty for feeling that but I just cannot tolerate her sometimes. I can't have a decent conversation with her, she doesn't listen to you or take any joy from your achievements in life. She is VILE to my dad at times, overly critical and takes joy from berating him. He gets the vicious outbursts too and threats that she'll leave him for daring to utter words such as 'calm down' He can't stand up to her and won't if she is attacking me. It takes a meltdown before dad steps in and she may just finally listen, but that will only last for a few days, then she starts again with the lack of boundaries and barging into your life again.
I'm not great at articulating this, it's the first time i've ever really tried to be fair. I'm just frightened that my depression will come back because of the way she is with me and treats the people I care about. She won't get help. The only time she won't be gleeful to talk about health is if it's about her own mental health.
Btw, I'm off to university next year so only have 11 months left here. I am 33, had to move home during my depression as I couldn't cope. Since I've got better I've decided to go to college and study biology in order to go get a degree next year. i just need some help on how to cope right now.