Advice after wanting to die (trigger)

[sodorjmum]

After depression creeping in for months and restarting anti depressants On sunday i left the house with the plan to die. I have no idea what made me not go through with it. In the end i landed up on the phone to samaritans who basically walked me home in my ear where dh was leaving to come find me after tracking my phone. I dont have the urge to go through with it now and won't but so much guilt as its hurt dh. He is being very supportive and we have help but i have no proper feelings its like 101 different things at once but everytime i look at dh i feel guilty for what ive put him through. Has anyone else been either the suicidal person or relative does the guilt go away/ will he ever be able to trust me again.

Sodor I know it's a cliche but this is a time to be very kind to yourself. Especially as you have been through such a traumatic time.
Depression is an illness, try to remind yourself of that to help you cope with any feelings of guilt.
I wouldn't see it as being about can your partner "trust" you again, but about finding the support and ways of coping so that you don't end up feeling that desperate again. And having a safety plan in place, just in case you ever do.
Have you seen your GP or another professional since Sunday? If you recently started ADs, could it be initial side-effects making things worse temporarily? Has that been discussed?
And yes, your feelings of guilt and numbness will change, but you do need support in place. Blaming yourself is counterproductive, self-compassion whenever you can manage it is much more helpful.

Hi there OP,
Just to say, in case you are worried as to what those deletions were, they were links that we weren't too sure about so we got rid. It did look like the poster was trying to be helpful, though, so don't worry.

Hi,

I've been the suicidal person and the relative. I didn't get as far as making an attempt, my housemate was there and I ended up talking to him about things instead. I remember the day after feeling so surreal. I was going about my normal routine thinking to myself "I nearly wasn't here today and none of these people arround me know. For me it was the turning poin, the point where my recovery started from. Its good to know that you have talked to your DH and got support. If you ever feel that you can't keep yourself safe you can go to A&E and they will help you stay safe and get you an assessment from mental health services. Do you have a crisis team number that you can call? In some areas you can self refer, the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard.

My DH has made multiple attempts. It's hard to see someone you love hurting so much, but it's nothing to feel guilty about. You are poorly, it's not your fault you feel this way.

I know it feels so difficult right niw, but this will pass andcyou will feel better again.

I havent been back to the drs yet. I am worried what they will do.
I know theyll probably get the cmht invovled and it scares it. I do not fully feel ill either i feel ive just been pathetic and am being stupid.

I don't think i will do anything but the thoughts do not stop. I feel so bad for husband and guilty atm. His face yesterday when i asked to go to the shop says what he is thinking. He asked will you come back.

I feel ive broken his trust alot atm.

What you have written above, Sodorj:
"I do not fully feel ill either i feel ive just been pathetic and am being stupid."
is exactly what depression tells your brain. It is not true, it is part of the illness.
Perhaps have a look at:
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201403/7-big-stupid-destructive-lies-depression-tells-you

Of course your husband is worried about you, as you are ill. The best thing you can do for him to to accept some help. I think you said you had some support in place, do you mind saying what?
I do think you need to see your GP to discuss your medication as a start. They dont have the resources to do anything dramatic. When I was went at various times with suicidal thoughts, CMHT input was minimal. My GP herself was the most useful.
Do give them a call.

Support as in some friends and family that we can talk to.

Im scared a gp will laugh me out there room. I get they will be professional to my face but when i leave will think what a joke.

No, they absolutely will not laugh, either at the time or after. I have been to various GPs with moderate or severe depression, countless times. They vary in how helpful they are, but never once have I been laughed at or felt that they didn't take me seriously. They will have seen many people with your symptoms, some less severe, some worse. They have seen it all before and know how bad it can get.
With respect, sodorj your judgement at the moment is affected by the depression. That is only natural. So please let your doctor talk it through with you. If it makes it easier you could start by saying you want to ask about your new medication as you have been feeling worse.

Weve decided we will try the drs tomorrow. I feel scared and ashamed by everything.
Ive spent all day in bed feeling lazy but i have had no energy to move eat and im not really sleeping either but it still all makes me feel pathetic than ill.

That all sounds really normal for depression, Sodorj. Horrible, but all part of it. Seeing your doctor is a really good decision.

I've attached a pic of the start of the article I linked to in a previous post. I'm sure you'll recognise it.

I just hung up the phone after having talked to an acquaintance (we were friends in the past but don't see each other much now) who is engaged in a non-profit organisation called "Suicide Zero" striving to help people who are in your position (there was a big conference coming up). Your post was the first one I saw online after having talked about how important it is to strive to prevent suicides.

My guess is that the doctors will listen to what you have to say and try to help you, ask if you want to go and see someone to talk to. I think you're wrong about what other people including doctors think. Nobody is laughing, rather, we're worried about you and would like to help, if possible.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It might feel that way, but there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Saw the gp. He has referred me to cmht could take a while for appt. Also to come back to him in 3 weeks now.

I feel worse. Not suicidal but i dont know how to live like this and i really do feel pathetic and lazy but nothing is really helping shift this. I feel i wasted his time.

I went to a shop for nappies for the youngest and walked into a few people as i lost track of what i wss doing. Im so tired and feel sick all day most days atm.

You went to the GP, even though you felt worried about it - you are doing your best despite feeling awful.
Tiredness and disorientation are also common symptoms of depression. So although it is horrible, it is normal to feel like this for now.
Would you be able to listen to an audio book? Something comforting and distracting?

It's just in your perception that you've wasted his time. In reality you made him a service by coming there, if no patients came around he would feel useless and be without work, have you thought about that?

Don't worry about losing track on things, it can be a natural reaction if you've been for example under stress for a long time. I don't believe you're lazy, but one cannot be on top always.

If you have Spotify you can try listening to nature sounds, such as the tracks from Nature Sounds, like the track Copse Bird Life. It might be relaxing and gives something else to think about (or tune in to, rather, and not so much of the thinking part.)

That makes sense.

I dont know how to live like this anymore. My husband is starting to get really annoyed i have no energy to get up.

He keeps suggesting to go a walk, go for lunch. All i want to do is stay in bed and disappear i cant get anything right i may as well stay out of everyones way yet i feel lazy and stupid for all this at the same time.

Part of me wishes i had just died on sunday yet i am to chicken to do anything about that.

Omg I'm going through the same despair, and my DP does not have a clue what to do about it. His frustrations are making it worse. I am so close the getting rid of him so I can nope and heal and get stronger without the huffing and puffing.

There must be a resource somewhere for DPs to guide them on how to support depressed loved ones?

Stay on the planet dear, don't rush off, I'm told it gets better and there are so many thing we have yet to experience. We can take our time to experience them until we are stronger xxx

*mope

I really like this guide for people close to someone with depression:

www.buzzfeed.com/maggyvaneijk/music-questions-patience?bftw&utm_term=.alj9rZ7x5#.pbrRdMQeg

And:
thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

Hi, I have been feeling a similar way for the last week or so. I genuinely thought that I was 'better' but all the thoughts and feelings are back. Various reasons plus the fact that I have major depressive disorder so will be like this on and off for the rest of my life as far as I can tell.
I just keep putting one foot in front of another and know that I will feel better eventually.
It helps me to know that others understand amd to remind myself over, and over again that 'This too shall pass.'

My husband is trying he feels lost in this to which i feel so guilty for.

Today i told my df never in my life have i heard him hurt so much in his voice. He told me never to apologise after apologising so many times to him and hes coming to see us tomorrow. Im shaken i feel ive let him down to. With each person ive told i feel so much more guilt and stupid over it.

Im worrying over tomorrow incase i cry and cry when i see him.

You haven't let anyone down, you are poorly and people are worried about you just like they would be if you had a physical illness. It's not your fault, you haven't chosen to feel like this. These people are there to support you whilst you get better.

Omg I'm not alone, just remember this is a rough patch and things will get better! Keep fighting, go to drs and tell them! Good luck keep us updated with progress :) I am going through the same thing right now

Last night and today is bad. I cant keep thinking about how much of a dissapointment i am and how everyones better off without me around. Theyd be happier without the misreble person.
My mind is wrecked and i cant sleep. When i do my mind starts planning ways to die. Not that i will do them but its scary ans everything does make sense at the time. I want this to stop i have no idea how anymore.

Awh Hun I know how you feel, don't let it win! What support have u got ATM? You on any medication? X