Struggling with lack of self confidence and esteem

[thisisme2020]

Hello. I thought I would write something on here as I am feeling so all over the place. I am going to see a counsellor which is helping but also bringing lots of emotions with it. I have suffered from a lack of self esteem since I was at primary school because of how I look. I am ugly (and I know I am because people have told me so several times). I have a really large wonky nose, and crooked teeth and just a wonky face. I first noticed how I look when I saw a school photo in year 4 and it has ruined the way I feel ever since (now in my mid 30s). I was bullied in school and through my counsellor have realised that I have a co dependent relationship with my mother, probably because of my lack of self esteem. I wanted to work in fashion and trained at uni but in my first job people commented on how I looked and it destroyed my confidence further. My reaction was to run away, move home and just hide away. I've been doing this ever since. Every time I think about the career I'd could've had I feel depressed and wish I could start again. I have worked and am married, and I know my husband loves me, but I just can't get over how I look. Before we got married I lost a lot of weight but once I'd done it I just thought 'what's the point as I am still ugly' and no matter how much make up I wear it doesn't hide my huge hooked nose from the side. I don't like the photos from my wedding, I've thought of plastic surgery regularly but I'm too scared and even if I felt I could, I can't afford it. Through counselling I have built up a little hope that I may be able to go back into fashion, which would be my ultimate dream, but I am terrified of people judging me by how I look. I feel like whenever anyone meets me they are just thinking how ugly I am, how big and wonky my nose is and how wonky my teeth are. I don't know how to get over this and I feel like it has ruined my life so far. How I look is always in my mind, whenever I meet people or if people mention anything about noses or teeth or ugliness I'm sure they are thinking it about me.

Councelling is definately a big step in the right direction, quite often things can feel worse before they start to feel better. A book I found really helpful was 'Dare to Connect ' by Susan Jeffers.

I totally know how you feel OP. I got picked on at school for having a 'pizza face', goofy teeth, a flat chest, and I was told I was so ugly that nobody would ever marry me. I've also had many comments over the years about my teeth from grown adults, the self consciousness never leaves.

All this is to say that you're not alone and others know how u feel. I bet you're not half as unattractive as you think and you sound like such a lovely person in how you wrote your post. We live in such a shallow bloody world and it can really take a toll on us.

Are you seeing a therapist or anything?