Not sure I can cope with friend's MH any more...

[FrodoBagginsJnr]

NC for this.

I have a good friend, let's call her Jane. Jane has severe anxiety that has progressively gotten worse and she has sought no help for it, as far as I'm aware. She becomes extremely agitated at the slightest worry or problem and has regular anxiety attacks. She has had a tough life with a history of being a victim of emotional abuse.

I've done my best to support her and be a good friend, but I feel she's come to rely on me as a sort of "counsellor". I'm always happy to support my friends and give them advice, but honestly? I'm at the stage where I can't do much more for Jane. I'm not a qualified counsellor or mental health professional and I have no clue how to support her and she is getting worse and worse. We are currently not speaking as the last time we met, she had a panic attack in front of me and she feels I wasn't adequately supportive during it. Perhaps I wasn't, but I really had no idea what to do. I tried to keep her calm and reassure her but this wasn't enough. Like I say, I'm not qualified in any of this and I feel completely out of my depth.

Our friendship has pretty much become that of patient and counsellor. There is no room in our friendship for my problems or issues, as hers take up so much room. I feel completely emotionally drained after every interaction with her and it's starting to affect my own mental health.

I feel like I need a break from her and need to tell her to seek professional help, but at the same time I'd feel like an awful person and friend if I did this. Would this be a terrible thing to say? Am I a horrible and unsupportive person? I want to be a good friend but I can't continue with this kind of friendship as I'm finding it completely draining. It's gotten to the stage where I feel dread every time she contacts me as there is inevitably some new drama that has triggered her anxiety, that she needs me to advise her on. I really don't know how to proceed.

Supporting someone with their mental health needs is hard even when there are professionals involved. I think you need to explain to Jane that you can't offer her the level of support she needs and that in order for your friendship to continue she needs to seek professional help. Offer to accompany her to see her GP, or if she is unable to get to a GP appointment to help her arrange for the GP to visit her at home.

Gosh OP that sounds a nightmare for you!! .

You sound very caring, but there's a limit to what you can give.

She sounds in a right state and really does need professional help...so no, not under any circumstances are you an awful person to suggest she needs help!..you will be doing her a favour.

You do have to look after your own mental health, absolutely! you are only human.

Therapists go through years and years of training to deal with peoples' mental health issues and even then I bet they themselves struggle!...so please don't feel bad about this

Does she have money for a therapist? You could find a list, even accompany her to an appointment, to get her started.

Though there is a long waiting list for CBT on the NHS, many GPs have a counsellor who she could see quicker.

Thanks all.

I feel awful as she has been a good friend to me in the past. But I can't cope with this any more. I've had a tough couple of months myself with work issues so perhaps I'm less patient than I used to be. I also feel angry at her for putting me in this position and making me feel like this, which is silly I know.

I've been the 'Jane' in this situation and actually the best thing my friend did for me was step away and leave me to sort myself out, although I was having counselling before she did this. Whilst my friend was trying to help me, I was clinging on to her as the solution to all my problems. But because she wasn't sure how to deal with me I ended up getting mixed messages from her, which added to my emotional mess. Eventually she just had enough, tried to ghost me, which was really upsetting and then went no contact.

I would say that you need to apply some tough love and tell your friend that for your own health you can't be friends with her at the moment and then step away completely. But leave the door open to pick up the friendship once she has sought some form of treatment. I was (and still am) upset that my friendship ended, but I completely understand why it happened. Now I'm in a better place I've tried to build bridges with her, but she won't have anything to do with me, which I also understand but does occasionally make me feel bad about my past actions.

Anecdoche's analogy is spot on. I am sort of in your position at moment in a group of friends that all have a major issue to deal with (widowhood, separation, child health issues) & I don't feel like I can even have a light-hearted "oh you won't believe what DH has done now" or "bloody kids" type rant with them to let of steam and I can tell that it is affecting me.

horriblehistories I get what you mean 100% - if I even try to talk about any issues in my own life, I get this attitude of "your problems can't possibly be anywhere near as bad as mine, you don't know you're born" etc. It's so tiring.

Step away. It's impossible to offer what she needs. But you'll bleed yourself dry in the process of trying.

Be kind and honest. Tell her you care for her and think of her as a good friend but you feel completely under-equipped to offer the support she needs and is relying on you to provide. tell her that it's making you ill with stress and anxiety too and that she needs proper, professional help. I have MH issues but I also had for over a decade a friend who bled me dry emotionally due to her own issues. I was little more than her prop and lost work and friends, as well as my own sanity, due to nursing her.

I have a brother with mental health problems and so I totally understand your mix of emotions. One minute I want to protect him and the next I just want to run in the other direction.

Someone suffering from mental health problems becomes very parasitic. I'm not saying it's intentional, but the more you give the more they'll take. This means you are left with a very one sided, exhausting relationship.

You should totally step back a bit. Suggest she speaks to a counsellor or the charity Mind. She can't rely entirely on you for all her emotional needs - it's just too much.