How do you bounce back when a friend has "dumped" you?

[cremeeggs]

Feeling a bit low at the moment - to cut a long story short, a very close friend has "dumped" me gradually over the last year - cancelling/postponing every arrangement that we make (and often I hear she's been out with other people when she supposedly couldn't get babysitter etc!), telling me about all the wonderful things she's been doing with all her new friends and taking no interest in what I'm up to (this is during our very occasional 20-minute coffees - then tells me how fab it is to catch up and that it is a shame we so rarely get to see each other!). I just wish she could leave me well alone now she obviously doesn't like me any more, but she still carries on this pretence of us being good friends in front of other people at the school gates etc....I really feel as if my self-esteem has been knocked as to put it bluntly, I feel very rejected, as I'd invested a lot in the relationship over the lact 5 years. It's made me look around and realise I have lots of aquaintances but no-one I can while away hours at the park with the kids with, like I used to do with her. My question is how can I recover some of my self-esteem and find some new friends? I'm wary of getting that close to anyone now as I'm feeling so raw about it all.

awww i feel for you asi have been dumped bye a very very close friend well she sleeped with my boyfriend and after a year he told me so it came from him and not her,of course i finished it with him and cut her off complety i was left feeling very hurt and lost all self esteam,i guess what im trying to tell you is that she is obivisuly not a friend at all and all she is doing is druging you down if i was you i would tell her how you are feeling and see what she says it might be that you are just taking it all the wrong way and she might not even relize that it is hurting you like that.find out what she has to say first before you jump the gun if its still her being funny then dont bother with her as you dont need friends like that at all.

also you will find that your self eastem will soon return as you will feel much better once you have her out of your life its a kinda boost that makes you feel proud of yourself for sticking up for yourself by sayin no you aint gonna treat me like that anymore. do you understand what im trying to say? i hope i helped in a way thoxxxx

i would be kinder on yourself - it sounds like she still enjoys your company but you may have grown apart a bit. That happens loads with people who become friends due to babies/young children.

i just wonder when she waffles on about what she is up to, do you pipe in with your news or do you wait to be asked? It just reminded me of one of my friends who i sometimes find 'hard work' as when I ask what she has been up to, she doesn't say that much to start with - she is great after a glass of wine but doesn't like to chat in the playground etc which took a while to get used to. Just wonder if she thinks you don;t want to talk to her that much?

if not, then go for it with new friends - we all like to make new friends all the time - it is lovely when a new person talks to me - I am sure I am stuck for what to say, but it really cheers me up , so be brave and chat to lots of people!

thanks both of you for taking the time to reply! vvv I'm sure she is doing it consciously as other people have commented on it and she seems to take great satisfaction in outdoing me or putting me down when she gets the opportunity - this has been remarked on too. If it was anyone else I'd simply walk away but a) we've been good friends for so long before this it's hard to and b) she won't let me - just as I manage to get on with my own life for a few weeks I'll suddenly get a manipulative text message or she'll come rushing over to me at the school gates, all gushing and effusive (in front of the audience) having blanked me for several weeks. I can't bring myself to be rude to her!

As regards not telling her what I've been up to - I never get the chance! Even if I start telling her something she interrupts and brings it back to herself. Just writing all this down has made me realise she's such a drain on my energy and is having a negative impact on my life!

You don't need this kind of friend!

I'd be inclined to pull her up about it & tell her exactly how I feel tbh!

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me , if she is braging about her new friends like that.
She is very insensitive and uncaring.
Sounds like she is using you as someone to stand by at the school gates.
iwould give her short shrift from now on, it is only going to make you feel worse if you try to pursue the friendship.
You will makenew friends as it sounds like you are a genuinely nice person who cares abput and invests in friendships unlike her who only seems to go where the party is.
Good luck

I have recently stopped contacting a friend who I have known for 30 years. We haven't fallen out or had an argument it was a cumulative effect which I couldn't stand anymore. We had basically become different people and whilst I tolerated things about her that i didn't necessarily like (she was very homophobic) she didnt seem to be able to tolerate things about me she didn't like (working and actually liking my job for instance) so she would be very negative about me and make sarcastic and cutting comments. The final straw for me was me taking her out to the theatre for her birthday and her making raving homophobic remarks about members of the audience. On the way home she grilled me about whether I would have a third child and was mortified when I said I might! I left feeling very depressed and asking myself what on earth i was getting out of this relationship. I have just stopped calling her.

The point of this long ramble is to tell you that sometimes you just grow out of friendships and like you I hung on to this one for probably years too long out of a sense of loyalty to the longevity of the relationship. but you should take heart because it is possible to make other friends if you allow yourself too. I recently moved back home to this part of the country and with ds1 starting school I've met people from there who have been really sweet inviting me out and sometimes its an effort to say yes and you aren't sure if you will really gel with someone but if you give them a chance it can suprise you. I also have been working for a year now and have made friends through work. Basically if you get an invitation - GO. Even if you don't feel like. Or join a book club, there are loads about, or night school for something you love. you will make other friends and realise you don't need to put your energies into a friendship which isn't giving you anything back.

Best of luck xxx

thanks everyone - bossy and scottish you talk a lot of sense and deviousdaffodil you have made me feel so much better. I know I need to walk away from this friendship, and I do have a few less close friends so this has made me realise I should invest more in other friendships and distance myself from her. She is not someone I could explain how i feel to - it would be all round the school gates and I would be the bad guy!

this has happened to me - feel the same, but just getting out there. have been alone with dd this week - my closest friend is on hols and made me realsie i have no one else to call up to say lets meet.

karabiner It's a horrible feeling isn't it. Have just taken DD to park - did know someone there but she was with a friend and I felt like I was intruding on their conversation - didn't know anyone else there. The irony is that the friend who has dumped me used to be quite intense when we first became friends and was always calling, inviting me round, arranging days out so I stopped making any new friends really as I was always with her and never got the chance to meet anyone else! Even within the school PTA she always froze me out and physically stopped me branching out by going on whatever stall I was helping on etc. and monopolising it....I just put it down to her having a stronger character and needing to be seen to be doing stuff, whilst I didn't need to be seen in the same light, but now I realised actually she made sure I had no other friends then dumped me! I still feel very used and hurt and wish I could tell people round here but I can't. I need to find some new friends but don't know how to now - am scared of rejection! Plus I'll probably come across as desperate!

know the feeling scared of rejection and mnot wanting to be seen as desparate. its a pain isnt it.

i've had that before and it is very hurtful. It sounds as if she is still enjoying seeing you but is less keen/has less time whatever the reason to invest as much time & energy in the friendship anymore. I guess it'stherefore down to you whether you want to see her on this basis or let it go.

cremeeggs - its sounds like this thread is helping you to see her true colours!!

i was just going to add that do chat to people in the park even if with a friend - i would never mind that at all - makes life more interesting!

and do ask people what they are up to even next week - i texted a friend yesterday to see if her little dd wanted to come over and they were free and did not have much planned this week - i was amazed as i thought they would be so busy

also I bumped into a mum in town today who i don;t know much and i thought after i wished id asked her and children for coffee rather than on our own - so there were two of us spending the afternoon with children and no other adults today, so we are not all busy at all

rqntothehills thanks for putting it like that, you've actually clarified things in my head and put it very simply! MN is great, I feel so much better just for being able to talk about this, as DH is sick of me going on about it and I can't talk to anyone else about it really! Newgirl that's good advice - it's so long since I've had to make any friends that in a bizarre way I imagine it's a bit like finding yourself back on the dating scene after a long absence!

Cremeegg, I just have to say that you seem like a very nice person but with less confidence than your not so nice friend. I think you'll find that she has done the same with other friends as she's done with you and will do so again in the future. I also had a friend who treated me in a very similar way about 8 yrs ago when DD1 was born. She was all over me, not giving me a chance to make other friends for 2 years, then she cooled off when she found a new set of friends but kept wanting to meet up when I started to meet new people. she also got immensely competitive and tried to outdo me all the time. My advice to you is to make a huge effort to make new friends and keep out of her way. be nice to her face at the school gates but do not meet up for anything. that's what I did and i feel 100% better now. Just remember that you are a really nice person who deserves better friends than her. GL.

thanks MrsD I think that's just what I needed to hear! You're right about the competitive thing as everytime she sees me talking to someone she's at all interested in she's over in a flash, butting in on the conversation.

You could do the same to her, cremeegg- butt into her conversations all the time, and see how she likes that! Seriously, the impression I get is that she likes the idea of having a friend who is always available as it makes her feel popular/special. there also seems to be an aspect of controlling or domineering behaviour in her personality which is displayed by the way she wants you to dump your new friends for her then she loses interest when you do. it's as though she wants to make sure that your new friends are not as important to you as she is. toxic behaviour, indeed! (I mean her, not you!!)

MrsD you are very perceptive! I think you've summed the situation up perfectly. I know what she's like in my rational brain - it's the irrational side which makes me feel so low when she's doing all these things! I wish I could just be like a bloke and forget about it all!

me too, cremeegg! they have a very easy emotional life don't they? I know it's easy to be logical and pragmatic now and then let it all go out of the window when you see her but you must be strong. Network like mad and wear your favourite lippy at the school gates to give yourself plenty of confidence. and whatever you do, don't let her keep reeling you in. each time you resist, you'll feel more confiden. Before you know it, you'll have lots of new friends and will feel much happier. It is sad when a close friendship ends, but sometimes you've just got to let go, esp. if it's not making you feel good about yourself. ;-)

cremeeggs, are there any MNers near you? Could you organise a meet-up?