I am really struggling (Trigger warning)

[justkeepbreathinginandout]

Without going into details I had a traumatic childhood and as an adult am finally doing something about. The criminal justice system is so incredibly slow and on days like today I just can't switch off from it. I'm meant to be at work, but I just can't focus, it's all I can think about: it's all consuming. I am drowning in the pain and hurt that I have suppressed for so long. How am I meant to get on with my life and function when every second is so painful and feels like an hour. I'm on AD and I've had counselling in the past. I haven't been able to do anything constructive today at work and just feel like I want to curl up and die.

Have you been honest with your GP about how you are feeling? They may need to increase your AD or try a new one.

Have you tried mindfulness? It could help you to focus on what needs to be done right now, rather than thinking about all the bad stuff that does need to be dealt with (but not right now).

Thank you for replying. The GP knows. I am on a combination of AD and they have recently increased one of them. I've been feeling worse since then thinking about it (could an increase in dose make me feel worse?). I referred myself for mindfulness but was told I couldn't have it until any court case was over. I was having flashbacks and told that mindfulness could make things worse (I don't see how). The support I've had from local MH services have been shit TBH and most things I can't access until the legal process has concluded.

It does sounds incredibly hard. Just so you don't feel alone - my childhood was shit too, but in a different way (it wouldn't result in a court case). Sometimes I can put off worrying about something by promising myself that I will devote some time to thinking about it later. So for example, if I am struggling to get to sleep because I am worrying about something, I will promise to devote plenty of time in the morning to worry about it instead. Sometimes it works, but not always.

Once the court case is over, you might want to try and access EMDR which could help end the flashbacks.

Thank you. I will ask about that. It's so crap that at the time I need it the most I can't have it. Thank you for responding I really appreciate it. Some days I am stronger but today is not one of them

I'm recovering from PTSD and have found mindfulness really helpful. The most helpful thing for dealing with the trauma was something called IEMT, that was like a magic wand with me that stopped all the flashbacks, anxiety and pannic attacks. There is another therapy called EDMR which seems to be more mainstream and available on the NHS which is also supposed to be very good for trauma.

Thank you, I will ask about it. I have "PTSD like symptoms" but don't have a diagnosis despite asking if I can be assessed. It's so crap. Been dealing with it on my own for years and when I ask for help it is less than forthcoming

Hi just, I was wondering if you have recently been referred by the GP for psychiatric help in primary or secondary care. If you have become very symptomatic and distressed it sounds like you need help at the very least with grounding skills and distress tolerance. But as far as I know, you can still have treatment if you need it even if there is a court case. Ask the GP again, there are levels of help available. Over the weekend if you feel you can't cope please go to the on call GP or AE and get access to the crisis team.

Hi OP, I don't know that I could offer you any advice as I think that would be better coming from someone more qualified/experienced than me but just wanted to say that I read your post and admire your courage, foresight and determination to move forward and thrive in your life. No doubt you'll get some good advice on this thread, good luck ;)

Have you looked at ' complex PTSD ' at all OP

I have, and I recognise it. Just don't know how to be heard to get a diagnosis. I was referred to a psychiatrist who was as much use as a chocolate teapot and wanted to put me on antipsychotic meds without ever meeting me. She decided I might have ADHD (despite not displaying any symptoms of this, like I say, she was awful). I'm seeing a neuropsychologist now who is better but still no talk of any diagnosis. I do have an assessment next week so I can talk to them about this then

I just have some days where I can manage and other days where I want to curl up and hide or die, depending on how bad I'm feeling. My experience of asking for help has not been great. The last few days have been really bad

Just wanted to say that I admire your courage so much

What you're going through sounds so impossibly hard. But keep on keeping on. You can do this.

I too have heard that EMDR can be amazing in helping to ease PTSD.

Be very kind to yourself.

Thank you. I feel more positive this morning. It's amazing how healing a good nights sleep can be. I just wish I could sleep until this is all over

Spoke too soon. Feeling crappier as the day goes on, this morning I felt strong. Every day is a victory,he didn't break me. But I am beginning to feel broken. I hate that he is still impacting on my life.

Maybe that tells you that you need lots of rest and early nights. When your mood begins to plummet your body needs extra TLC.
Hope you feel a bit more positive after another good night of sleep.

And feeling your natural feelings in response to the destructive acts of another doesn't mean you're broken, it means your emotional system is working properly - reacting to something negative. Working through that must be horrendously hard but you aren't broken.

Thank you. Sometimes it is so overwhelming. I don't want to be a grown up any more. I just want to be looked after (how I should have been) but instead I'm being a parent, a wife and working (and feel like I'm failing at it all). I know that sometimes you have to fall apart to be able to put it together to make something new. But I feel so tired of it all. It's exhausting and so lonely. I can't talk to anyone due to the legal system and even my oldest friend has tired on it. She has cut me out of her life. I know I didn't do anything to deserve any of this, but it's still me left to pick up the pieces again alone.

Hi Op just wanted to say hi, Thinking about you ;)

Thank you.