I'm needy, easily irritated, how do I get a grip?

[Justchillaxing]

I wish it was enough to tell me to get a grip, but I keep telling myself and it's not working.

Basically I'm ruining my relationship because I don't know what I want. I'm needy, want constant reassurance that I'm loved, want to be with him all the time, but on the other hand need a bit of space each day to do my own thing.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for more years than I care to think about. I've had some counselling, I'm aware of my low self esteem, possibly due to lack of affirmations from busy parents. The problem is I don't know how to increase my self confidence, how to not be so needy. I'm aware I'm behaving badly at times - rowing about little things then becoming very angry and ending the relationship when he withdraws because it's too much. Please don't flame me ... I know I'm behaving badly but I really want to change .. I don't want to lose this man, i think he's the love of my life.

I know I'm an awful person. I don't know why he sticks around ... except he loves me. I don't want to put him through this anymore, but I don't know how to help myself. I've tried finishing with him to set him free but he won't go .. and i don't want him to.

Any tips for becoming less needy? Any good cds/books? My counselling is over and it's very difficult to get on the waiting list. I can't afford private counselling as I'm on long term sick leave.

Sorry for rambling on. I'm grateful for any suggestions.

How about taking little steps to fill out your life I dunno like volunteering and classes to meet new people so you actually do need him less?

I've tried volunteering one day a week, but I'm not reliable... I struggle to leave the house a lot of the time.

I'm not worried about how much I need him ... I'm worried about how I react in Reese situations and would like to find a way of staying calm and rational.

++in these situations++

I did CBT to help with my anxiety, I also tried yoga which helped a great deal. If that seems too much for you at the moment, simple breathing techniques could be a good starting point for you. Sometimes taking one deep breath can give you a little space to allow you to calm down. I also listen to Eckhart Tolle audiobooks, I find his voice quite soothing and that also helps.

Thanks. I'm unable to access any CBT free of charge it seems - here in Wales they don't seem to use the NHS online CBT? I've tried yoga in the past but struggle to get to a class every week. I also panic when trying to breathe slowly through my nose

I'll look out for the audio books, thanks.

I think there's something wrong with me ... I know what I shouldn't do, I write notes for myself on my phone, telling me how to behave in certain situations, but when certain triggers happen I can't help myself ... I don't even think what I'm doing is wrong .. I think, "I just need to tell him how I feel about what he's doing" for example, send one message and it all kicks off I know he doesn't like discussing things by message (understandably so) but I find it easier than talking about my feelings, so that's the excuse I use at that moment ...

Mindfulness then? There are a few good apps eg calm or headspace. Good luck :)

I've tried the mindfulness app but have the same problem, I panic when trying to control my breathing and hyperventilate a bit.

The problem isn't there all the time ... I just don't react well in situations where I'm not happy... I don't seem able to have a discussion about problems without losing the plot, thinking everything's hopeless and ending the relationship. Hours later i realise i love him and don't want to spend the rest of my life without him I know I'm not explaining well, sorry.

Maybe I need to reprogram my mind in how to deal with such situations ...

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you come over incredibly self-critically. You aren't an awful person, you're imperfect, just like the rest of us, and you have a very critical, bitchy inner voice that keeps telling you a load of bullshit. Perhaps rather than writing notes telling yourself how you should behave, you need to write notes telling yourself you are ok, that you are allowed to make mistakes, that you are allowed to be happy, that you are allowed to have a relationship that makes you happy.. does it?
We're not going to flame you or judge you, we don't need to because you are clearly doing that to yourself over and over again. But how about challenging that part of yourself, that judging, nasty voice that is telling you you are needy? I hope I am not writing out of turn, it's just that I don't speak kindly to myself either and I am starting to challenge my inner bitchy voice because, quite frankly, it is bollocks. You are ok. You deserve love, you are allowed feelings. Good luck OP!

Thanks user, you're right, I do speak unkindly to myself. I'll try to change it. But the fact remains that I overreact in certain situations and I don't know how to stop it. When everything's going well I know how I should react, what I should say and do, but when I feel unhappy I totally overreact and I don't know how to change it I'm like Jekyll and Hyde

Who is telling you you over-react? You write with some many 'shoulds' I feel like you are reading from a rule book of life. And no such book exists. It seems like you have a high level of awareness, so how about when you feel like you are unhappy you take yourself out of the situation? You can change, we all can, but it takes time and effort. Believe me, I am trying to change myself and it is a pain in the bum but I don't want to continue living in the way I have.

I guess it's only me telling myself that ... although understandably my dp isn't too happy with the situation either. I do want to change, I'm just not sure how. What are you doing to help yourself?

I could have written everything you have. I struggle massively with anxiety and panic, I am extremely needy, drive my husband insane and can't deal with it. I've tried CBT, yoga, volunteering, mindfulness and nothing has worked. I'm in Wales too and mental health services are appalling. I'm also on long term sick and am basically completely isolated. I fully sympathise and don't know what to suggest but you're not alone.

Thanks Professor and hugs. Yes, mental health care here is zero ... counselling with uni students, primary care team who say I'm fine because I'm intelligent enough to recognise the problem ... all that's available otherwise is antidepressants ... which aren't helping .. and I've tried various ones. All that happens is I put on weight ... which makes me more unhappy

Yep, I'm a teacher so Primary Care don't want to know. I can't take medication because I have health anxiety so I'm too scared to take pills. And I've put on LOADS of weight because I can't go out and I have a phobia of exercise. It's ridiculous.

So sorry to hear that professor , I know how hard it is. I don't go out much either but am trying to make myself go for a walk several times a week with my dp.

I'll keep looking for self help books and let you know if I find anything of interest.

I've messed up twice in the last ten days, started rows over little things, that escalated out of control, til I said I couldn't cope anymore. Its like another person takes over ... I can't stop myself and just go crazy I don't want to split up with him. But now I'm constantly scared it'll happen again. I expect anyone would just say, get a grip, but I don't know how I think we're both stubborn and too proud to back down which doesn't help. I also think each time I expect him to react differently, to just cut me some slack and stay calm, but these days he now storms out and goes home more or less straight away.

I'm scared of myself and don't know how to stop it

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Anxiety is a horrible thing.

I could have written this post too. It's oddly comforting to know that someone else is feeling the same. I think I've done the damage to my relationship tonight. No idea how to go back.

What is DBT?

Oh, just thought .. did you mean CBT? I've had counselling but can't access CBT. Any ideas?

Sorry to hear that Itwillbefridaysoon. What happened? Feel free to pm me if you like.