I've been struggling with feeling low for around 2 3 years, maybe longer its quite a blur. It has been to the point that I spend days staring into space, going through the motions at work, not really noticing how/where the day goes. There have been times where I just don't go into work for days, I make up a reason rather than admit why I can't go in. I've gotten dressed in the morning, sat in the car, cried and got out and gone back to bed.
There are also times where I overreact to small problems. After I've spent a few days on my own, away from work and people in general, I'll start to have a 'good' day, ready to take on the world for an hour, but one small thing will go wrong and it all comes crashing down again.
I talk myself into believing I'm not meant to be 'happy'.
A few years ago I was on citralapram, which for whatever reason didn't make me feel better, so I gave up and pushed myself to deal with issues on my own.
The thing is, my body/mind doesn't get stressed during stressful situations, so I struggle to deal with issues at the right time. It just builds up until I breakdown because I've forgotten my phone, or dropped my bag. Its generally more anger I feel at first.
I have a supportive DH, but he also has his own health problems and sometimes doesn't realise when I'm having one of my 'phases' (not really sure what to call it) so we argue. It generally doesn't last long, and he always tells me I should go to the GP but I just dont want to.
Part of the reason, is watching my DH be passed from pillar to post, misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis (a physical issue not mental health) and watching him feel like a burden when he needs another appointment.
Another part is I just dont know how to approach it. I'm finding it easy to write, I find it easy to tell my DH, after I've had a meltdown. But I dont know how to start. Especially to someone I dont know.
I really, really don't want to go to counselling. I have seen lots of suggestions on other threads, counselling works. But I just don't feel its for me. I'd rather not talk to someone I don't know.
I then worry, if I am prescribed something, how will I figure out what's right for me. I also feel like I'm just being a drama queen, or that the GP will not listen to me.
I've made plans in the past to book an apt, and talk to someone, but when the time comes I don't follow through. This year has been the worst yet, so I have come very close to asking for professional help but I back out.
I just feel stupid. I've had others tell me how 'easy' it is to be signed off work with stress/depression, or be prescribed antidepressants (not as a response to me feeling this way as no one apart from DH knows, just general conversations) that I feel so ridiculous going to the GP. What if they think Im just making it up?
Please can someone help me find a way to ask for help?
I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry if parts don't make sense, once I started typing I couldn't stop.