Does anyone else have horrible flashbacks to their childhood

[StillThere]

This is probably not the right board to raise this on but I don't know where else to post.

I'm an adult now with a family of my own but I still feel like the frightened little girl that I was at 5 years old. I've had some horrible flashbacks tonight, mainly alcohol induced, but I think I needed to relive them and cry a bit - self enforced therapy perhaps?

My worst memeory is of my dad punching my mum in the nose when I was 6. Her nose was broken and there was loads of blood. My dad's best mate was there. She'd only come down to complain about the noise. Dad's best mate said 'don't hit a woman xxx' but later my mum said he was a c*nt anyway and he was worse than my dad because he left his wife and kids and sat in the pub all day.

There are loads of other things that happened but that is one of several things that hurts me regularly. I function normally from day to day but I sometimes can't sleep because of the horrible memories. I wasn't abused or neglected by either of my parents and I'm angry at myself for still being upset about things that happened decades ago.

I feel so different to everyone else. Like as if I have 'I'm shit' tattooed across my forehead.

I've namechanged obviously. I'm so pissed off with myself for still feeling like I did back then.

Hello StillThere. I am so sorry to hear about your horrible flashbacks. And sorry obviously about the events they refer to in your past.

I am no therapist (if only!) but it sounds to me like you possibly need some counselling/therapy which would help you get in touch with those memories deep inside you, to revist them once more, and move on from them. There are a number of 'methods' which allow our subconscious to recollect memories/events.

I have had therapy and have 'dealt' with some of the demons in my own cupboard, and can say that for me, I have put a lot of them to rest. However, there is still a lot of other things I need to deal with, which I will one day.

If it would help you to talk about some of your flashbacks, I am very happy to listen, either on here, or email etc. So please do CAT me if you want to.

Finally, please try not to feel bad about the things which are on your mind. It's not your fault. Your dad hitting your mum was not your fault. Feeling angry at what happened is perfectly normal, and if you werent able to express that anger when you were 5 then you possibly need to express it now, to get it out of your system. Talk to me if it helps.

x

So sorry that you are still haunted by painful memories of your childhood,ST.

I would look into getting some kind of counselling for yourself to help you deal with these horrible flashbacks.

Oh yes Stillthere.

I was physically and psychologically abused by my mother from the age of 10 to when I left at 17 and she carried on until I severed all ties with her 4 years ago. I ended up feeling 'I'm nothing' 'I'm shit' 'I'm a waste of space' etc. I used to put myself in extreme situations to confirm those feelings and the ultimate was I ended up getting raped.

OK TMI

I get loads of flashbacks. I think I have dealt with them via councelling/ADs/positive thinking but, they still escape and I get the odd, vivid flashback. I've found more of them seep out as my son gets older.

I am FINALLY tackling my demons as I can see that my negative opinion of myself will ultimatley affect my DS's development. I am undergoing so really good counselling that is unpicking the early damage.

Can I suggest you speak to your GP. I'd also suggest that you see if you can get some councelling. I'm getting mine via the Surestart children's centre.

You are right to be angry and right to be upset. You witnessed things you should NEVER had to experience.

{{BIG HUGS}} You're getting there. It's not your fault and you will get rid of them.

I'll pass on my e-mail if you want

I didn't intend to kill this thread stone dead. I just wanted to empathise and show that others have long term bad feelings to their past.

I also wanted to point out that you can survive the damage.

Please feel free to share etc

I've never been abused by my parents and led a normal childhood. Yet when I was pregnant with my first DD, all I could think about were my parents' flaws. I don't think I deliberately brought out those thoughts but I think it was caused by the anxiety of becoming a parent and how to be a good one.

But since then, I think I have developed some resentment in me towards them. I cannot justify it as they were good parents who meant well and everybody is human. We of course had our strife and bad moments as any family would have (although my mum tried to strangle me once but I know I was very naughty and she was going through a hard time coping and lost it for the moment. A few years ago, she wrote me a letter and apologised). But generally, they were just trying their best and wanting the best for us. Also, I have developed a deep dislike for my dad although I don't know why.

So I end up feeling rather shitty about myself from time to time and wonder if I need to see a counsellor to talk it through. Otherwise, like you, I function normally from day-to-day.

It's of course not the same as yours. But I guess I wanted to share it to say you're not alone and we are here to listen and hopefully help. It's helped me so much to share/rant over mn.

There, now its me to have gone and killed this thread.

I'll poke it with a stick to see if it's dead!

Lifeless!!

No it ain't!

Just seen this thread and the answer to the OP is yes.

I've name changed too, obviously. I also have 'shit' tattooed across my forehead. I feel like a weirdo and the few friends I have are v kind to overlook my many faults.

As a child, all the things I was told I was - useless, horrible, selfish, mean, nasty, bad tempered, unkind, worthless - are still with me. That was from my mother, my father was rarely around, drunk and uninterested when he was. Neither was affectionate, I'm the least tactile person in the world - shaking hands with someone makes me feel awkward and tense.

Both my parents are dead now. I'm not sorry about that, not for myself anyway.

So much sympathy to StillThere and GrouchyOscar.