Think it would Be better if weren't around anymore

[mnaddict1]

I have bipolar
I'm alcohol dependant
I've been through lots of therapy
I've done a lot of stupid things while manic or depressed
I am not depressed at the moment (typically) but keep fantasising about my suicide but I'm not actively suicidal
I'm not sure what to do next ...

Go to your GP asap and tell him/her that although you are not feeling depressed, you are having suicidal thoughts. I think you need proper medical help with this. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Xx

@IrritableBitchSyndrome I think you may be right-
I hate visiting the Gp As they have little idea how to mange bipolar depression but I could get referred back to my private psych.

And thank you @IrritableBitchSyndrome for responding

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Thanks @RebeccaMumsnet I'm not actively suicidal but good to know you keep an eye on these threads

Hope you are ok.

@UrsulaPandress I'm
Remarkably ok day to day- managing to function, work, keep on top of things it's more a background noise of how worthless and useless I am. I don't even really want to kill myself I just feel like everything would be better for the people in my life if I weren't here and almost fantasise about ending things. It's weird but then I am a bit weird

I will guarantee you aren't useless or worthless. Have you ever had good therapy to work on the way you feel about yourself.

@sourpatchkid I have had a lot of therapy privately which has helped massively. I am still in therapy- tapering but am planning toincrease it again. I have horrendously low self esteem and although I have practiced all the cbt it doesn't stick!

@sourpatchkid I know rationally I'm. Not useless or worthless I just let myself believe that

My suicidal ideation is terrible at the mo too. Like you I don't want to actually kill myself but I think about it constantly to the point I'm struggling to concentrate on anything else . I don't want to die I just don't want to exist. Do you know what I mean?
I think you should make an appointment and hopefully get yourself referred .
It's so exhausting

I'm off to a funeral to tomorrow of a lady who did it. I'm actually so fucking angry with her I'm not sure I can go.

@Comps83 I do totally get it. Maybe you need to see your go- to talk it through if nothing else

@UrsulaPandress I see your pov. Suicide is a horrible act but it is a symptom of an
Illness perhaps if you can see it as someone who has an incurable
Illness will die
So will someone with an untreated mh condition we can't help it

I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to add to anyone's pain. But she left two daughters. She was sad because her DH had died 12 years ago. And now she has left them. I realise she must have been in so much pain to do that. But now they will be in pain. Who knows where the cycle will end.

Have you had anything as well as CBT? Have you told your therapist about "knowing" you aren't worthless but not "feeling" it - it's very common with CBT and they may be able to help with it?

@sourpatchkid I haven't ever mentioned that in
my sessions so I will when I am next at my appointment. Thanks very much

This may be a bit too CBT-ish to be of use, but can you try and think along the lines: it would be better if my illness weren't around instead of you not being around. Rationally, it's very rarely easier on family if people are gone, however hard work they are when MH issues dominate their personalities and family life.

I don't have bi-polar, and knowing people who do, will freely admit that imho, clinical depression (which i do have) is far easier to deal with, so I'm not dismissing how you feel or why you feel it. But one hting that helped me was to make the absolute most of family time when well, to ensure that DC got the best of me when they could - proper attention, care, outings, support etc, so that we have some solid basis for when times are harder. It seems to work, and it helps me when I feel worthless, to make lists of 'But at least I'... E.g. 'I feel like a piece of shit but at least I fed the DC this morning, chucked some clothes in the washer, put on their favourite music/TV programme when they came home from school, gave them a hug, reminded them to clean their teeth, chatted to them for a few minutes at teatime and bedtime.'

@millifiori sorry I am only just getting five minutes to post this.
I read your post yesterday and it really resonated with me. I know rationally I don't wish I weren't here, I wish I was better. And I kept repeating that yesterday- it really helped so thank you.
I do try to bank the times when I am well and on top of things and I do a good job when I'm on form. It's just hard to recall when in the thick of anxiety and low mood so I'm planning to start a gratitude diary.
I've been having CBT and therapy for about a year to help manage my condition and also my alcohol issues but it's not working for me on the alcohol score (I'm not sure my therapist is that great tbh) so yesterday I found a treatment programme locally that I need to enquire with to start asap.
On the plus side I had a dry day yesterday and and not planning to drink today either so that will help. I've also been lurking on the dry thread here and am off to reintroduce myself (for the third time!) after tea.

Thanks to all who have posted

Hope it's goes well OP and hope you find something that works for you