Please help... my life keeps going downhill and I feel like I'll have another breakdown

[NooNooHead1981]

My brother passed away from terminal cancer a week ago - he was only 34. If this wasn't awful enough, I got told by my employer that they didn't need my services any more (I'm a freelancer) and I had an ectopic pregnancy in March after 6 years of really wanting a sibling for my DD.

I am sick of getting through all of the crap in my life - ever since I moved house three years ago to start a better life, it's done the complete opposite. After battling through a head injury, breakdown, concussion and drug induced movement disorder, I feel like I'm never getting any bloody respite.

I just want someone to take it all away and say I'll be happy again. Deep down, in my heart, I am broken. Broken because of fighting all the pain constantly... fighting the losses of things I love and want the most and not knowing how to carry on without feeling really sad.

My dad was being v honest with me last night when he was chatting about my poor DB and saying he was a really horrid person, very strange, and never showed any gratitude etc - all true but it was so sad to hear. I am heartbroken by my brother's passing away and was in pieces looking at some of his possessions this morning.

My life seems to be ok from the outside and I do have a lot to be grateful for - good home, beautiful daughter and supportive loving family and friends - but inside I am so so tired of having such a tough time emotionally. Words can't express the depth of my pain, I was crying so much last night that it hurt me physically.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up to something better.

sorry you are having such a tough time. Having experienced depression several times I have learned to go to my GP at the first sign things are slipping. Having said that you only lost your brother a week ago and I think it's completely normal to be feeling rubbish in that situation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this at the moment, it all sounds really tough. I hope you can be kind to yourself for a while, I think you really need it. Could you possibly contact Cruse or a bereavement service for a chat to begin with?

Thank you for both your replies. It has been immensely hard coming to terms with the loss of my brother after the loss of so many other things.

My drug induced movement disorder, tardive dyskinesia, is so bloody rare that my psychiatrist said it was about 10 years since he had seen someone with it! And it was all caused by my silly GP prescribing me antipsychotic drugs for severe anxiety... Which ironically has now made me more socially anxious than ever before with the stupid involuntary movements like lip smacking and grimacing. 😥

Anyway, that is all totally trivial compared to watching my brother slowly die of bowel cancer at the age of 34, which was utterly horrendous. I am totally heart broken by it and fear I'll be a mess if I don't have some sort of counselling.

I often question whether there really is a God and why he would want me to suffer like this - I must have done something pretty bad to annoy someone along the line. 😢

That is an awful lot for one person to cope with. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk this through with? I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I don't know you and I don't entirely know where I sit with my beliefs about God, but I do know that you haven't done anything to bring this upon yourself, life doesn't work like that. Or I don't believe it does anyway. As shit and as difficult as things look right now, they won't always look or feel like this, and now isn't the time to blame yourself or give yourself a hard time. For now at least, find someone to talk to and give yourself time to grieve, you deserve that. I am so sorry you are going through this.