I want to die

[nixnjj]

I can't get the thought out of my head. I won't act on it as I'm a single mum but I can stop thinking it. It's been 3 days now. I'm keeping the thoughts inside I want to scream at my son as his constant chatter is driving me mad. Just writing this as I hope putting the thoughts down might get them from my head

I am so so sorry you're feeling like this. I think you're very brave writing it down and I hope that it helps a little. Can you ring the Samaratins? Now that you've written it down perhaps it's the first step to talking about it. They're there to help.

I can't make acall as my son is about, he's 12 so aware of my illness. If he knew how I was feeling it would worry him. I did ask him to give me 10 minutes so he's now sitting on the floor. It's just his chattering that is getting to me. I'm hoping it just a reaction to some news I'm worrying about and end of school holiday blues and Facebook fakery. Just. Haunting in my head that this will pass. Thank you for replying it helps to realise I'm not alone

I'm here with a hand to hold. I've struggled with negative thoughts for years, it's really wearing. I can't offer any advice but I'm here if you want to talk more.

You're certainly not alone.
I've been there. Writing a list of reasons to not end it all. Mainly my children. Whilst in my darkest hours (they sometimes resurface) I think they'd be better off without my draining effect. Luckily my logic wins the day and I know how much I'd psychologically damage them.

I've emailed the samaritans before now and the response has always been swift and helpful and then people around you can't overhear. Could you try that? Jo@samiritans I think.
But for now - we're here. Listening. Hand holding & sending you strength

Thanks. It helps to get it out. Thankfully logic is strong and I know my thoughts are wrong. It's just so exhausting fighting with myself and trying to parent. I've cleaned the kitchen just to get some space. I know I'd never act on the feelings, couldn't do it to him. Going to write a list for the future and see if that helps. Right he's next to me on sofa trying to show me YouTube stuff and read over my shoulder so will close this now

How are you today? Have you got any mental health support in place? If you don't think that you can keep yourself safe go to A&E and they will help you stay safe and get you an assessment from mental health services. If its less immediate then get an urgent apoointment with your GP tomorrow. In some areas you can self refer to crisis team, the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard.