Word of warning, this may sound TL:DR. Also, I'm not sure if it's a rant because I'm fed up, or if it's actually legitimately something I need to get off of my chest.
I don't know where to actually put this as there are a load of issues to cover but they all seem to come back to 2 things. Mental Health and Eating Disorder.
I'm 29, have no kids (I wish I did but that ships sailed for me and I dote on the other kids in the family). I'm in a fairly reasonable relationship, solvent, happy most of the time (when I don't want to beat him profusely with a shoe), and on the outside, I lead a very enviable life.
However, there have recently been a few very dark patches.
To start off, about 12 months ago, I went into the wardrobe to find some spare towels, and a 6 month supply of ART (Antiretroviaral Therapy) medication landed on my head. ART is for HIV/AIDS. When I confronted DH (after a few beers to give me some Dutch Courage), he came clean and told me everything. This was 6 years into our relationship, and he'd been HIV+ for a few years before we ever met.
Obviously I went effing ballistic. Not so much about the condition, but the not telling me, and the fact I had 'PUSH AND TWIST' indented on my forehead.
About 9 months after we met, I took him to a fundraiser I regularly attended on World AIDS Day to help me raise money. Surely that should have been an indicator that HIV wasn't an issue for me.
Then there is the fact that he constantly points out my physical imperfections. Stupid things like the fact I have grey hairs in my beard and on my head, and that I'm putting weight on (I've got a 26" waist, what does he want, a fucking barbie doll?).
Recently we found out also that his ex wife has MS, and his daughters are unfortunately having to pick up most of the flack regarding lady things as her husband doesn't have any idea about those things and is also now raising their daughter single handedly.
I have a long history of depression and body image issues (I was the Autistic, bullied fat kid in school. The best insult (off a load of 12 year old boys) that really was a painful blow was calling me 'Tit Wank'.
I've never quite recovered. I'm still nervous, I eat like a sparrow and I MUST be in control of everything to do with my life. From finances and meal plans to sorting, attending and grilling doctors regarding DH's condition. There is also the ongoing bitterness within my own direct family. Mum and Sister don't speak, Grandmother interferes in everything, Aunts having issues with their kids. It always seems to come back to me with people asking for advice because my mental health was quite publicly paraded around for all to see and inquire about like I was some kind of test subject.
I feel that everyone is putting on my already fragile mental state, and I can't do anything to stop it. His children are by proxy my children (even though I'm only 8 years older than his eldest). I have to be a support for DH and have stood by him for so long through thick and thin. I'm an agony uncle to his mum, I have to deal with all of the finances (I make him put everything into my account so I can be sure things and people are paid on time), I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the washing (I don't do ironing! That is the one thing I will not do!), I plan healthy meals in advance and have a shopping list ready for the next week, I also do some of his work for him while also doing some of my own.
Yesterday I was in the car, and noticed some white blemishes on my neck. They're not raised or anything like that, but against my tan they are WHITE, while my tan is more in line with a Spaniards. I've only just seen them, and I've never had them before, it looks almost like the skin of a burn or scald victim just after everything goes down and new skin is building. I'm wondering if this could have been brought on by the stress I'm under or through my lack of food trying to stop my ever ballooning size.
Sorry if this was narcissistic and vain, but I'm kind of at the edge of my tether.