I'm hoping some of you may be able to offer a bit of advice.
I'm a 39 year old mum to a single child, who is now 3. I love her so very much but I feel like I'm failing her badly at the minute and I'm worried I'm going to cause her problems.
I feel so incredibly selfish, but I'm burnt out of motherhood. I resent having no time to myself, alone, doing things that relax me like reading, exercise, surfing the internet. Because of this, playing with her makes me feel so stressed out and like I want to escape. I let her play on the ipad for hours at a time because it buys me time away from the constant "mum, mum, mum, mum". Stupid thing is, it makes me feel worse because it's not even that I'm doing what I want doing by keeping her occupied with the ipad, I'm just sat there in zombieland stressed out that she's not getting proper human interaction or fresh air and fun.
Her dad puts her to bed every night at 7:30 (which is great as he hasn't seen her all day, and it's a chance for him to spend time with her) but every night it's the same - she rarely falls asleep before 8:30 and between those hours I'm constantly up and down to her "mum, mum, mum, mum". I know it's normal, and it's not even a big deal, but it makes me so feel so anxious about being demanded.
I'm so agitated (like barely can breathe/feel knots in my stomach sometimes) that I don't sleep before midnight and I'm so chewed up with guilt, have a rubbish nights' sleep, and the next day I'm woken by her at 6:30am either slapping my face or crying for me (her dad goes out to work at 5am).
I don't know why I feel like this, because I do love her so very much and I'm proud of what a little star she is. I actually like her a lot as a little person! She's kind, funny, loving and good-natured. I don't understand what is causing me so much anxiety and stress about entertaining my daughter and I'm so very, very worried I'm harming her by being like this because all she wants is my attention and I'm zoning out on her. She's slightly delayed in speech and is behind her peers on gross motor skills like climbing and using a balance bike etc. That's entirely my fault for not exposing her enough to opportunities for development. The anxiety and guilt of that is feeding into the feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to escape anxiety and it's a vicious circle. I just don't know how to break it.
It should get better in September as she is back at preschool and I'm back at work, but I want to be more involved with her, relax and actually enjoy playing with her without wishing I was doing something else. I just don't know what to do to get to that point.
Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get it all out of my system and hope that someone can help me out with some advice xx