I'm a shit mum to my 5 week old

[Lunaloo00]

I wasn't really sure if to post this in the 'parenting' group or not.. But I don't feel like I deserve to be called a parent right now.
My little girl is almost 5 weeks, I had an awful birth and suffered with anxiety for the first 2-3 weeks and what felt like PTSD... I'm still experiencing some ptsd but it's not taking over my life anymore.
I never bonded or had that initial 'rush of love' because I was poorly after the birth and it just hit me that I've now got this person to look after.
She was 100% planned and my partner is now back at work.
Compared to how I was mentally, im 99% better.. So my health visitor and midwife signed me off yesterday as being 'fine? Recovered?'

But the bottom line is... I'm shit. I'm not being cruel to myself, I'm being honest. I'd rather put her down when she's asleep but I know she'll probably just wake up again so I sit and think about how much I want to be able to get up and get the washing done etc.
I don't feel ANY maternal feelings when she cries, in fact it just really pisses me off! And for the past few days she cries for what seems like no reason other than wanting to be held.
I'd never hurt her, but when I can't settle her and I'm getting frustrated, I've been a bit rough, such as not gently placing her on the bed. I'm a shit mum.
I've also got bad ears (currently got bells palsy from the birth too!) so when she SCREAMS all of a sudden just because her dummy fell out... It actually hurts my ears and makes me even more angry.

I didn't have ANY parenting figures growing up, my mum was extremely violent towards me and emotionally abusive.. So my only fear growing up was becoming like her, so why am I like this?

I don't feel like I love my baby, although I know something is there, as each day goes by I do 'like' her a little more.... I just am really not enjoying this baby moment of her life and I'm terrified ill turn into my mother, but I don't know how to cope better!

I'm going through the day, making sure she's looked after, but I feel like I should run to her when she cries and want to make it all better, when really I only go to her because I can't stand the noise!

I always thought I'd be a good mum, I'm a very patient person normally... What has happened to me?

Those first 12 weeks are really really tough with a new born, nothing can prepare you for it. You're not a shit mum, you've just had a shit experience and are reeling from it. Tbh I never had that rush of love everyone bangs on about, even though I had a pretty good birth which left me feeling really positive. But no rush of love, my love for dd grew incrementally each day (similar to what you described about liking her more each day) and now it's like she's my whole heart. That love will come, those early newborn days are really just about survival! If you can just get through each day, feed her, keep her clean, eat something yourself then you've done brilliantly! At the time it seems to last so long but it will pass, she'll develop into this gorgeously funny little person who you'll love the bones of.

Can you get someone to give you a break? Or get out of the house with her to meet other mums? Is it worth speaking to hv again if you're still worried about your mental health?

Also I'm a hugely patient, mellow person but even my partner has been taken aback at how impatient and frustrated sometimes motherhood has made me! I really tbh didn't enjoy the newborn stage but dd is 8 months now and is just absolutely lovely to be around.

You are not your mum.

You are a woman who is still exhausted after a terrible birth and you will needs a good many weeks to get to any feeling of competence, confidence and energy. "

Talk to your baby non stop. Sounds crazy but it helps. "Oh you frightened the life out of me when you cried. I am picking you up now I would ove a cup of tea.." So on. I sounds mad but I promise it helps YOU.

I felt like you. It WILL pass. Tiny steps and talk!

Good luck.

Anybody who says that they haven't felt frustrated when caring for a newborn is lying. My DS is now 4 months old and I'm starting to really enjoy him.

When I first got home from hospital (hellish birth, both of us unwell afterwards), I sat on the couch and sobbed. I felt totally broken and unprepared. My life was over, I'd never take a bath again, never go anywhere on my own, never wake up naturally again etc etc. I would wait until DH got home, with my coat on, and the minute he walked in the door I'd be off for a walk on my own. This was also a very much planned and wanted pregnancy!

Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes and emmense pressure to smile and look besotted and blissfully happy all take their toll. If baby is fed, clean and warm at this stage, you're doing great! The rest will come. Survive day to day, watch your favourite movies, eat your favourite things and just concentrate on getting through it. Just wait til she starts smiling at you, it becomes so much easier to negotiate the daily trials!

Thanks for the responses, it's nice to know what I'm going through isn't entirely abnornal!
I just keep thinking that someone else could give her a better and more loving upbringing! And especially because without hospital intervention I would have died during birth, makes me think I 'shouldn't' be here... That's really messed up I know

Just to confuse you all, I changed my nickname lol x

OP have you NC back to an old user name?

Think about it for a second. If you had an illness you would still be in hospital, others looking after you, taking care of you and making sure you are ok. In our messed up world, we have difficult birth, hugely traumatizing and yet now YOU have to take care of yourself AND an infant. On your own.
Again, you are normal. We all go through it. You are not your mum. Very slowly, it will get better. Good luck to you.

Give yourself a break op you've only being doing it for 5 weeks, and frankly most babies this age are unrewarding, demanding and exhausting. I had to go through the motions of newborns both times, just look after them, try not to get frustrated, pass them to my husband a lot and grit my teeth - they get better really soon and every day that passes they morph closer into being little humans that you can enjoy.

Will anyone come round and hold/feed/soothe the baby for you for an hour or so - friend or family member? People often don't offer at this stage as they think you want to be left to it, but if you tell a good friend that your baby is driving you round the bend and you could do with some company/help I'm sure more than one person would jump at the chance to snuggle a baby.

Don't be hard on yourself - hang on in there you're doing fine - if your feeding her and keeping her warm and holding her a lot then that's enough at this stage. If you feel really bad go back to the GP and tell them you need a bit of professional help.

I've usually got plenty of support but all family are on holiday and my sister is back at full time work, probably why I'm finding this week extra tough!
In the evenings I give her to my partner but his job is tiring so I feel bad because I can tell he's shattered too!
I just feel guilty about maybe being able to cope better if I felt more love towards her! And that other babies who have a doting mum towards them are getting better looked after :(

The likelihood is op, that you will feel more love for her as time goes on and she becomes easier and a bit more rewarding. You obviously care about her or you wouldn't have even bothered to write this post, and you certainly wouldn't be feeling guilty! Many many many mums of 5 week old babies are struggling too - don't look around you and think everyone is having the time of their life with a newborn - they're really not.
Do you feel ready/able to go to a group of any sort? When DD was that age, even though I didn't really want to my midwife encouraged me to a first time mums group which was run at the Children's centre - it was really good as everyone else was a first time mum and everyone was finding different bits of it tough so it was good to realise finding it boring/hard/unrewarding wasn't unusual.
When your family come back from holiday it'll be great to have a helping hand to see you through the gof.

I'm planning on going to baby groups, I live seconds from the local one.... But I've currently got bells palsy so half my face is dropped meaning my confidence is nocked, as I can't talk great... Luck isn't on my side! I've promised myself I'll go as soon as I look more normal! Because if anyone talks to me I just look really ignorant as I can't even smile!

From the sounds of it, you're like any new mum. Recovering from the birth, lack of sleep, complete change of lifestyle, hormones fluctuating. It's bloody tough. I felt like this with my firstborn and still feel the guilt of this 16 years later but I DID bond eventually. I didn't have the same feelings with my other children but that's because I was more experienced by the time they came along. It's hard. It's normal. Hang in there and it WILL get better.

OP Mum, sounds to me you might be suffering from a bit of post natal depression really advise you to ask your doctor for help and advice. However as you can see from all the other posters here its not a bed of roses having a new born around we've got one here DD2 has a babe she loves him but he's bloody tiring hard work has the left Brest still hungry burps, has the other side still hungry then bottle, burps some more sort of grins and then zonks right out rinse and repeat very two hours or so.

Keeps his mum and dad and grandad up all hours. Just cos i had children many years ago that little wailing noise in the night still provokes a very primal instinct that somethings up with babe, even if someone else is attending to his needs!

So we're all tired and not in the best of tempers either!

Never mind, I've 'fallin in love with young bumpkins:-)

Your not alone OP.

DSD2 was living with us before DD was born and always wanted to be a mum and felt I was doing a great job with DSD2 so thought I'd take to it like a duck to water

In reality though- it was fucking hard work. DD was a very difficult baby and it wasn't until she was about 5 months old that I really cracked and even had to go and stay at my mum's for a few weeks. I put on a facade because I was too afraid someone would take DD and DSD2 away from us but in reality when I finally asked for some help it cleared the fog a lot.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Ask for some help and you may surprise yourself with how you feel afterwards

I had a difficult birth many years ago and still remember feeling so shell shocked for sometime afterwards, I definitely had pnd too so I would talk to your gp. Young babies are exhausting but coping with depression too is very hard so get some help. As they baby develops and starts to interact more I think it does get more rewarding and enjoyable. They hopefully begin to get into a routine which helps too.
It's horrible to feel like that it you will feel better.

You are not a shit mum. The very fact that you've posted here, worried that you're a shit mum, proves that you're not.

Oh, and worrying that you'll turn into your mum? Not going to happen. You're worried about turning into her, but you have awareness and forethought- so don't even think about worrying.

You will get there, I promise. Ds2 is 5 weeks too, and tbh I'm still waiting for a rush of love. But it didn't happen with ds1 either; it was a more gradual "I need to get to know you" process. Within a few weeks I realised that there was literally nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I suspect it'll just take time with ds2 too. Just like it'll take time for you to realise how much you love your little bundle.

Have you thought about talking to your GP/HV? They might be able to give you some reassurance/suggest coping strategies.

Also, have you thought about a sling? I'm considering getting one as he's a total Velcro baby and hates being put down.

Don't worry about washing etc, just do what you can. At the end of the day, as long as "everybody fed, nobody dead" you can't go far wrong

"everybody fed, nobody dead" LOL! Gotta laugh sometimes!.