Will it ever go away ( sensitive subject)

[melmo26]

I don't really know where to start but here goes

I was sexually abused by my mums husband( not dad) from 9-15, at 20 I met my now husband and told him before we married, he gave me the courage and strength to report what happened.

It was one of the scariest things I have ever done and it was awful telling them everything that man done, they questioned my whole family who all lied for him.
I had told my mum at 17 what he had done, he done it to my sister too and they still lied for him. Anyway the police closed the case saying "if it happened" to me.
As any of you know the biggest fear is not being believed.

FF a few years and my dad gets in touch to say my sis has told them the truth and they now believe me but that's a whole other story.

It's been 10 years since then and NC with my family
Every time I thing I'm doing well I start having nightmares about being a child, in the dreams he is abusing me but I tell whoever else is in the dream who/ what he is. I always wake up sobbing my heart out, or my DH wakes me up saying I'm crying. It had been a while since I've had one of these dreams but twice in the last fortnight I've had these dreams waking up crying!
Last nights one really upset me,
After I was screaming about him being a pedophile he attacked me, my arms with a stanly knife, I woke up crying with tears streaming down my face, I could smell him for a good 5 mins after I woke,

I can't shake this dream off, I keep thinking this is never going to go away, this is never going to leave me. Do I just have to accept that! I hate having these dreams and the knowledge that I meant sooo little to my family that they just kicked me to the kerb like I was nothing

Sorry to hear this happened to you OP.

I wasn't sexually abused, just physically (to the point where I thought he was going to kill me) but I'd have similar dreams, and wake up screaming. At worst it would be 3/4 times a night but they rarely happen now.

I don't know why they (mainly) stopped- I think it was a combination of medication and counselling. They tend to come back if I'm extremely depressed but they don't bother me as much, rather than waking feeling like it had happened all over again. It's been 22 years since I was last battered. Maybe time helps?

Did you get any counselling OP? I think my counselling made it worse to start with, but then it got better.

I never had counselling,

I spoke to my gp after dd4 was born about everything, he gave me setraline and phone numbers for therapists( self referral), I tried 1 tab of the anti depressants. It made my head all spinny and weird, never took anymore of them.
I absolutely hate the idea of speaking to a stranger about my issues, I done it with the police and wasn't believed.

I hope that more time is all it takes even though it's been 15 years since he touched me. Maybe just a bit more time

Hiya Melmo,

I genuinely feel for you and how you are feeling.

You need to be brave and go see that councillor. It is going to be very scary at first, but it will help you.

Had I not have reached out and got the help I needed I have no idea where I would be today.

I wish you the very best and hope that you find the right person to speak to about this.

Melmo talking to a counsellor will not be the same as talking to the police. I am sorry they handled it so badly. I really think counselling would help you. You can never undo what has been done, but I think counselling help makes it easier to bear. x

OP what moseshrute says sounds good.

I think you're whole experience with not being believed/the police/your family is worth a whole load of counselling over in itself.

Thanks for all your advice, my kids go back to school on Tuesday so I may make a gp appointment for next week, I wouldn't even know where to start.

moseShrute yeah I do, I avoid movies he liked, actors he liked etc. If something about abuse is mentioned on the tv I have to switch it over. Also sometimes I can't get my memories out of my head.

Guess I should see someone about it