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Original poster

Accepting I'm not ok

19 replies

VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 13:05

I was previously on 200mg of sertraline for a quite severe bout of depression around 2.5 years ago. I seem to be a high functioning depressive (although I think if I had the chance to curl into a ball and sleep for a few weeks I would jump at the chance.) but while I still manage to raise two boys, work full time and be a mostly good wife things are crumbling around the edges. This morning I stood in a toilet cubicle in work, cried hard, wiped my eyes and then came back to my desk and got back to my work. I think about suicide most days, but my boys need me so it never goes further than thinking about it, but I often rely on the thought of sucide as my back-up plan if it all goes wrong. Today I cried because I realised it's not normal to even think like that. I've stopped bothering with my friends, to the point I can't even be on facebook or instagram anymore. My husband is so supportive, a few months after we met he witnessed me "go a bit loopy" as he kindly puts it and it should have scared him away but it didn't. But I know I'm not being very nice to him at the moment. The smallest things are tipping me over the edge right now but I think I'm just so sad that I've reached a point again where I need to go crawling back to the doctor. I don't even know why I've written this.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 15/08/2017 13:12

You're not well and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Please go to your doctor. It's not "crawling back", it's getting support and assistance from the professional whose role it is to provide that.

niknac1 · 15/08/2017 13:13

Definitely seek help before its too much for you.

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 13:17

Thank you. I just came back to delete this because it seems so pathetic but I apprechiate your replies.

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ClemDanfango · 15/08/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisymay1988 · 15/08/2017 13:19

I could have written this myself. I 100% understand you. I've been stuck this way for a long while now and I'm going to finally bite the bullet and go back to GP to go back on antidepressants. Purely for one reason, I want to be the best I can be for my little ones. I think as mummy's we put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes. Sometimes you need to have a good moan and rant. Don't ever think you're the only one, you are never alone Xxx

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 13:22

I've been watching the clock all morning thinking of the right time to call GP surgery and then worrying that they'll ask me whats wrong but I don't want to tell the receptionist.

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Mum2lots · 15/08/2017 13:26

THANKYOU this post has put into words what I couldn't type xxxx I to will be going for more support from GP xxxx

Daisymay1988 · 15/08/2017 13:27

Ditto x

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 13:30

Thank you Daisymay that means a lot. You're right I need to do this for my family, I've managed to tell my husband I'm not ok today which I've been putting off for ages. He's a worrier and he's never had a depressive partner before and he doesn't really "get it" but I always try put a brave face on things but I can't even do that anymore.

OP posts:
Daisymay1988 · 15/08/2017 13:35

I've done exactly the same, although he's seen me at my worst before. So many people don't 'get' depression and anxiety, which makes it even harder because 'you look ok'. Make a pact with you? At 2pm both call GP and get booked in? X

ClemDanfango · 15/08/2017 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 13:52

Thank you everyone, your help means a lot. Okay Daisy, its a deal I'll give them a call at 2 and tell the receptionist to mind her own business! Good luck x

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Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 14:09

I've done it, I'm seeing someone on the 31st August. At the moment I feel like I'll be trying to hold it altogether until then but I have good days and bad days so maybe it won't be that bad. Thank you x

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Daisymay1988 · 15/08/2017 14:19

Me too, going today at 4.
Now I'm worrying about what I say??
Well done for calling, that's a long wait though, bloody drs. Keep your head high and you've taken first step xx

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 14:27

I know, I was suprised it was such a long wait too. I just read about a guy who jumped from the 7th floor inside the London Exchange building this morning, people are commenting on the story and asking why his colleagues hadn't noticed he was depressed. People really are stupid. Thanks for all the support xx

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Notreallyarsed · 15/08/2017 14:42

It's not crawling back, I promise you it's not. I've struggled with my mental health for years and came close to a complete breakdown in the last month. Thankfully I've been able to access the right help and I'm getting there.

Notreallyarsed · 15/08/2017 14:42

Sorry I just read your update, it does seem a long wait doesn't it?

ClemDanfango · 15/08/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VitriolicMuse · 15/08/2017 15:28

Yeah its hit and miss with our local GP its either the same day or a few weeks wait. thanks all

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