How to forgive yourself for things you handled badly?

[simplysusan]

I spent about 2 years suffering from anxiety and low self-esteem. During this time my life felt very bleak at times and my thoughts were out of control. I was absolutely hideous to a very close friend, and then when she started to distance herself from me, I became fixated on fixing the friendship and was just unbearable to be around. She ended up cutting contact with me for a while, although we have spoken since.
I've been back on track in terms of my mental health for about 18 months now but I just can't let go of the fact that I was so awful to my friend. I've apologised to her numerous times and asked if we can be friends again but she, quite understandably, wants to keep her distance from me. Whenever I see her with her other friends, it makes me feel awful about the past and how i behaved. I had counselling in the past but am not currently seeing anyone, and don't feel I need to apart from this one issue.
Can anyone suggest ways i can get past this?

Everyone makes mistakes and you really shouldn't beat yourself up about them.
You learn from them and move on. Accept that you aren't perfect - just like 100% of the human population.

Part of this is accepting that there are consequences and in this case it is a consequence that you just have to accept and let go. You tried to fix it and it didn't work. By trying to carry on fixing it you are compounding the problem and continuing the mistake. A line needs to be drawn and you deal with the sadness that come with it.

Don't beat yourself up but now work on letting go. Otherwise you are continuing the mistake and not learning from it.

right sorry I just had to jump on and say - "compounding the problem and continuing the mistake" - this is perfect and it's totally resonated with me.

If you had heart problems, would you beat yourself up for not going jogging with your friend?
If you had a liver problem, would you beat yourself up for not not sharing bottles of wine with your friend?

Your brain wasn't functioning properly which affected how you treated her. You have apologised. If she can't accept your apology for how an illness made you behave, is she much of a friend?