Social anxiety?? Something else?

[Pombliboo123]

I hope this is the right topic for this...

I'll also try not to ramble.

I wasn't always like this, I used to be the bubbly, funny, life and soul of the party. Now I just feel myself trying to be hidden and crawling into myself.

I'm not sure if it is social anxiety because it doesn't make me feel anxious per se. It's hard to explain.

In brief, in social situations, I generally just don't talk. Anytime I do talk I feel as though everyone is looking at me thinking "what is she talking about, she's so weird" literally everyone I open my mouth, I feel like this. Then I start analysing everything I said again and again to work out if I what I did say was weird or innapropriate which I'm fairly confident it never is.

I also wait to take my lunch until everyone else in the office has already been so I don't have to talk to anybody at lunch or even walk into the canteen when there is somebody else in there, in case they are thinking I walk weird, making too much noise etc.

I don't drink often (maybe only twice a year) Because I worry I'm not thinking about what I say and that people will tall about me behind my back.

I feel like people talk over me a lot. Like whatever I have to say isn't worth listening too.

This is all a vicious circle because my lack of talking (and drinking incidentally) then DOES make people think I'm weird. As confirmed by a drunk DPs mum recently.

As stated above... none of this gives me an anxious feeling. Just an empty, disappointed feeling that I'll never connect with somebody.

The only person I don't feel like this with is DP which leaves me feeling reliant on him for social activities I want to do (e.g. a film in the cinema or Something) rather than calling up friends.

I dont want to be like this... i want to be able to relax and have fun but I can't seem to shake it off.

Firstly... what is it and what can I do about it?

Thank you in advance for any advice or help

Anybody? Please

Yes it does sound like social anxiety. I used to have social anxiety and I can identify with lots of what you've written. Have you been to see your GP?

It does sound like social anxiety. It's often something that manifests in late childhood or teenage years, but can come on later in life. There's often a trigger, perhaps a time you felt rejection or ridicule. The social anxiety is an unhelpful adaptive mechanism to protect you from future rejection. In my case for example it was bullying and struggling to fit in at school.

Recognising it and understanding the mechanism behind it is the first step. All anxieties are an evolutionary response designed to keep us safe from threats and survive. A healthy degree of self-consciousness is designed to help us bond with others and get the protection that comes from being part of a pack, which would have been important when the one that got left behind would have had no food, protection, or shelter.

Social anxiety is just when this response becomes overactive. Social rejection no longer threatens our access to food, shelter and protection but we still have an instinct to avoid it and sometimes something happens to make us actively fear it.

Social anxiety has two components: the actual difficulty speaking, and then the intense overthinking afterwards/over-vigilance of people's reactions to you. Both need addressing.

To address speaking, you just need to face the fear and do it, expanding your comfort zone bit by bit. Perhaps set yourself a challenge to ask somebody a question whenever you feel nervous, for example how was their weekend or do they have a holiday planned. People like talking about themselves.

To address the over-thinking, try to flip it. Are you really paying that much attention to what others are saying? Do you generally remember what people have said 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 day later? We are all really far more wrapped up in ourselves than we care to admit and are rarely actually paying attention to others. If people talk over you, it's because they want to talk, not because they don't want to hear what you have to say. Just repeat to yourself: nobody is paying as much attention to you as you are.

It can be beaten, it's just about retraining your brain bit by bit. Your brain has learnt to see social situations as a threat and you can retrain it not to. Good luck xx

Hi Pombliboo
I wrote a similar post like this yesterday but as yet have not had a response. What you have written really resonates with me, even the fact that you end up relying on your dp for your social life because I have fallen into that trap too. I also drink far less now than I ever did which in some ways helps but maybe in others does not socially. It is bizarre as I too used to be the life and soul of the party!
I made a real effort and went out locally with dp last night. It was a disaster. I saw a couple of people - one was somebody who is a bit of a busybody - a while back it would have just washed over me but last night it really got to me and I just wanted to go home, which we did.

I will watch this thread with interest.