Does anyone else feel like a failure?

[Ironfingers]

Does anyone else feel like a complete failure?

I am in my mid to late 30's, married with two wonderful daughters, have been with my wife 14 years and adore her.
Have a steady job which i used to love although am a bit dissillusioned with at present (with a reasonable income but, like most people i could do with better pay), about to complete on buying a 4 bed house in a nice area (not in the south).

I just seem to have this default thought in my head that I have failed. Its been there since I was a little boy.

I have never felt good enough and have always put myself under so much pressure to succeed and have never lived up to my own expectations.

Have a history of depression and anxiety which I mainly manage pretty well and it only rears its ugly head every 6 months for a couple of weeks or so.

Due to bullying at school 25 years ago
(Some by girls which i found devastating, worse than the boys) I also find trust very very difficult and treat most people with suspicion and dont let people get too close so as not to disappoint them.

I feel really stuck. Due to my trust issues I have been pushing those close to me away for a long time and only just recently realised how introverted and angry I have become at the world. It took a bit of tough love from my lovely wife last week to make me realise how shut off and bitter and envious i have become so i am trying to change and re-engage with the world.

I am trying to be conscious of these thoughts of failure and view them as just thoughts, nothing more. I just seem to look at people more successful than me and am hit with envy. I spent years in my twenties chasing my rockstar dreams but ultimately failed, although at least I tried, but now i feel i didnt try hard enough! (Even though the odds are obviously stacked against you.)

I used to have a goal to get promoted at work but failed twice in the last four years. Have now reassessed and no longer want promotion but suddenly have no goal anymore so feel lost.

I feel so much pressure to earn more than I do. Am never going to be wealthy but I think I could be a millionaire and would still feel like a failure.

The mind is an odd and sometimes damaging thing.

Not looking for sympathy and not self pitying as I realise I NEED to change. Just asking if people feel the same as me?
If so, how did you beat your thoughts and feelings of not being good enough, under acheivement, jealousy and comparisons to other people?

Yep. I feel like this too and it has ramped up recently because I have made some stupid decisions that have solidified the self-belief so it has become real and I feel like everyone else now sees it too. Some of what you have written I can relate too, I had a lonely time at school, was picked on for something I couldn't change, I haven't coped well moving forward. I am currently trying to do several things which seem to help so perhaps would help you. I have high levels of anxiety and I realise I am not good at self-calming, so I am trying to talk to myself kindly 'I know I feel uncertain now, but it will be ok' breathe, repeat.. When I see myself comparing, jealous, whatever, I remind myself that everyone is just doing the best they can. No more, no less, we are not in competition with each other, we just are. Finally, like you have acknowledged, I am the only one who can change me, that is my responsibility. I am having therapy and am taking antidepressants, I really don't want to live the rest of my life in this space. I wish you the best of luck, I think you are doing well for acknowledging that you want better.

I don't have any ideas on how to change, but I feel exactly the same. Like you I have all the outwards signs of success, good husband, great children, job I don't hate, nice house etc, but I feel I'm just a bit shit at everything.
It's really hard to talk about - especially to friends who maybe don't have it so good - it's a bit my diamond slippers are too tight.
My default coping mechanism is to work my socks off to feel like I've achieved something - be it at work or even to have my home spotless. It doesn't work really as no matter how much I do, I dwell on the one thing I didn't do. The only time I feel at peace is after a few wines, which I acknowledge isn't a good idea.

Have you ever wondered whether other people might feel envious of you? I've sometimes felt envious of people in successful marriages with large houses... my marriage broke down and I live in a smallish flat with no garden in an unpopular area and I sometimes have feelings of envy for people who are more successful than me!

About the promotion: do you know why you didn't get it? I don't know what field you work in, but in my field we're usually given some help to apply for promotion so people generally get it eventually. Have you had any good (even independent) careers advice?

And have you had any therapy for your trust issues? Therapy helped me a lot: I still have some trust issues but nothing like before. Being bullied at school can be traumatic and sometimes we need help to overcome the effects of it.

I hope you feel better soon.

I can relate to many of the feelings you mention. I am having a terrible time at the moment so can't offer words of wisdom. But just wanted to say you aren't alone and its good you're doing something about it.

Out of curiosity what was it that made you want to change ? I have pushed everyone away and don't trust anyone enough to tell them how I am really feeling. My DH just doesn't do feelings or emotions so can't turn to him for any support. I suppose he is still here but I have no idea what's in it for him.

Timeto, diamond slippers being too tight is a great expression.

OP hope you are able to find a way to feel better about yourself. I am doing alot of reading at the mo but most books mention talking to someone you trust. Fall down right there but just have to get up and keep going.

Mindfulness has may be become a bit of a cliche, but it might really help in how you are feeling about your life at the moment.
The best guide I found was this below, a really intelligent and comforting approach:

Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world, book and CD.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/074995308X/ref=yo_ii_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Bit of a cheesy blurb on the cover but ignore that, and its only £8 at the moment.