work issue can someone help advise? bit long

[tiggersdontlikehoney]

I want to know whether I'm right or wrong, and what you would do in this situation, to look after yourself as well as do the right thing.

I began a new job a couple of years ago. Then a few months ago became severely depressed and had come to a realisation I needed help, felt there was something wrong with me. I kept going to work, but wasn't much use there - just kept trying not to cry a lot of the time. After a while I went to my GP, and told my employer, and disclosed that I was going through a diagnosis for a number of MH illnesses including borderline, bipolar, aspergers and waiting for therapy for depression, anxiety. The MH unit were/are really slow to do anything so I'm still waiting and no further on despite several appointments.

I have good days and bad days. I've gone to work every day, not taken any time off, I take pride in my work and didn't want to shirk. Have gone in even on some days when I feel I really can't cope.

Today I was told by my boss that due to the behaviours they've noticed, and that other people have now noticed, they are sending me to HR for coaching sessions, and if that doesn't happen I will likely be put through formal disciplinary procedures.

I don't know what to do - help?

Coaching isn't going to fix behaviours that are the result of my depression/things I'm being diagnosed for, some of which can be negative, I know that - I can be very withdrawn/uncommunicative, for example, or put something in an email that I regret later (i.e. sounding irritable). My colleagues don't always know why I am the way I am and I know they can sometimes think I'm being rude, I know they have complained to my boss when I've been irritable or had a knee-jerk reaction. My boss knows what is going on but I haven't disclosed stuff to everyone as it's a big workplace.

I'm not trying to make excuses for bad behaviour. But sometimes I'm having a bad day with my MH, it's not deliberate.

I can't figure it out, is this an employer being supportive, or one trying to use 'coaching' to fix something that isn't my fault and won't be fixed by a few sessions with HR?

They are saying that they expect to see me change through this 'coaching', or the result of disciplinary is there.

I'm having a massive reaction, what is probably an over-reaction to the meeting. I feel like staying at home now and never going back, I'm just sitting in floods of tears, I feel they have totally rejected me, and despite being very very open about everything going on with my MH, it hasn't helped. I just never want to see them again. I'm scared the coaching will be hugely patronising and that will in itself make me irritable and angry, so I'll come across as not cooperating with it. I'm scared I'll be put through a formal process and something will go on my record about bad behaviour, when it's not deliberate and I"m doing my best to deal with it, and do my work.

What do I do?

Hi,

Glad to see your GP has signed you off now, in my experience both with my own MH issues and with supporting staff with MH issues, if your MH is impacting on you to the extent that it is causing these problems with collegues then you are probably not well enough to be at work. Often when we are in the middle of it we don't realise how poorly we are and how it is affecting our work/relationship with collegues. It doesn't really matter if your boss agrees with you going off sick or not, your Dr has stated that you are not well enough to be at work, they can't argue with that.

How long have you been on the ADs? They take a few weeks to kick in and a few months to reach full effect. The side effects vary from person to person, but generally settle after the first few weeks. If you have been on them a few months and are not feeling any benefit speak to your GP as it may be that they are not the right ones for you and something else would work better.

I have always found OH very supportive and helpful. I have seen a councellor and psychologist through them (both made it clear in the first session that their primary aim was not to get me back to work but to help me get better) the waiting list is often much shorter than NHS MH services too. Though if your OH have said that their service isn't specialist enough for you that might not be an option.

My advise is to take as much time as you need to off sick to let the ADs kick in and to get help from your MH service.

Thank you nolonger

One thing I have found out now, from speaking with a union rep, is my workplace is what sounds like a harsh policy about sick absence, which will apply to me.

I'll get an official verbal warning for having the 4 weeks sickness absence.

This will then stay on my record. If I have a single day off in the next 6 months, I will get a written warning.. and another within the 6 months after that a 'final' written warning leading to being fired.

If I have a single day off (sick) in the 12 months after this even, I'll get another verbal warning which leads into the same process.

So it sounds like I'm screwed now whatever I do.

Can't believe a public organisation has a policy like this which seems designed to make sure anyone who has health issues (especially mental health and/or disabled) ends up being fired for taking the time they might need, not like it's deliberate, is the last thing I wanted to do.

Does anyone else here have experience of similar?

The union rep was trying to be diplomatic but clearly has strong views about the organisation's policy.

tigger do you want to stay in this role? It sounds pretty hellish.

I have had two periods of four months off work in the past couple of years for mental health problems. I have not been dismissed from my role but in common with your employer, my employer has a policy in place for absence management. I did meet with HR and my manager to discuss my absence. The policies and procedures at my workplace are supportive, but, like you, I have found what I consider to be reasonable adjustments to be difficult to implement.

In your situation - and this may sound counterintuitive to you - I would take up the option of coaching. Did your employer tell you how many sessions you would be offered? I have had job coaching in the past. The coach will explain their role to you and the nature of the confidentiality of your discussions. Whilst your manager may think that you are being sent to be coached due to your behaviours you will be given time and space to discuss all of your work-related problems, and you will access this support more quickly than talking therapy will be offered to you via the NHS. Space with a coach to talk about your boss' and your colleagues' lack of professionalism may just be enough to get you through this next bit.

If you do need to take medical leave, so be it. Four weeks and a verbal warning might well be worth it for the time and space it will give you.

It sounds to me as if your colleagues and boss are not professional. I have done my share of crying in the disabled toilets before now - I draw the line at crying in the open plan office. I am alright now but it has been pretty rough to be honest.

Take care of yourself.

Looking at your work policy it makes sense to stay off until you really are better so that you don't need to go back off again.

Update - I picked up letters from my boss while on sick leave

Firstly while I'm away they are moving one of the 'reasonable adjustments' I had - working quietly in an office by myself. I had only just moved into it, newly decorated, was intended to be for me and one other, for the foreseeable future. There was no mention of me moving out again before the sick leave. Now when I go back, if I cry it will be in a room full of people.

Secondly, although my boss has been aware of the other staff behaviour towards me and we have even discussed specific examples in writing, and it is in the letter from OH (I checked, to be sure I"m not going crazy), she seems to be suggesting she has never heard of the 'bullying' before - but her whole letter is written as if she is the most caring boss in the world, and if I want to discuss it and explain what it is at any point we can absolutely do that etc.

I've found it very distressing just to read this much.

Am very worried that I will be punished for going on sick leave, and taken through some sort of disciplinary when I go back.. and I just don't want to go back. Am worried if I resign, they will refer to some of this in a reference, or refuse a reference.

Best case scenario would be I get out and live on savings for a while - I do have some.

I'm not thinking clearly, I know I'm not, but already battling high/low moods, feeling pretty worthless and it's making it all so much worse. Just venting here because I've not actually told anyone in RL, I don't want everyone to have a view of me as crazy in case I need to use my network to find another job soon.

Thanks to everyone on here who has given advice.