Ive been feeling tired for a while now. I don't have the energy to move, to eat, to leave the house, to get dressed, but life carries on. So I do the necessary things for the sake of my girls and put aside the urge to curl up in a corner and stay there.
Yesterday I had an argument with my partner, and instantly I felt completely engraged. I wanted to go and smash my room up, but I was sat feeding the baby, so instead I stifled my bubbling anger and continued with what I was doing.
I know what some may think, it's a good thing I couldn't go and loose it, but it's not really because it just stays there, hurting my insides and dragging me further down.
Right after that I had to go and collect my toddler from nursery, I got in the car, Blared an angry song, went for an erratic drive while screaming and pulling out hair in order to calm down. I then collected myself, and picked up my daughter in false high spirits like a good mummy. When I got back I sent my partner upstairs out of my way, and I went to bed myself as soon as both the girls were down at around 8.
This was no better, I lay in bed for 2 hours physically clutching my body because of the pain I felt inside. I wanted to self harm so badly, I made nothing more than slight scratches to my legs, but that's only because I can't face having to explain it to my partner should he notice I had actually cut, so I couldn't even use that to feel better.
I spent time reading about support from crisis team, but I can't even do that! Because all I can think is who would look after the children? My partner is a great daddy and he had the girls for 2 days suddenly when I was in hospital before from an overdose, but I felt so guilty I can't possibly leave him to do it again (the children can be a bit of a nightmare) so all I can do is despair at the fact that I'm on desperate need of help that I can't even receive.
I go to a skills group for BPD each week, but it's doesn't help and we don't talk in depth about our problems, they just try and reach you to manage yourself. I also have depression, anxiety and have just been referred to an eating disorder team, and I'm just at a loss with myself. My partner is helpful as he can be and very patient, but I'm not interested in anyone thinking they can help me cus they can't. I don't want to talk to him or friends about anything, I just want everyone to leave me alone and I constantly push him away because I am so irritable all the time.
As usual I am my own worst enemy and don't know where to turn anymore