just a complete mess

[tigersbuddy]

I am tired and fed up. I feel like I'm here for the sole purpose of facilitating everyone else's needs and I don't matter.
I'm really struggling at the moment......I'm on my period so I know that's not helping.....my anxiety stopped me going to a party yesterday and I feel really crappiest because of it. My kids are being absolute little shits.......I know that sounds awful but they have spent the entire day trying to kill one another and then blamed everything that goes wrong on me.
My boyfriend cane over.......Yay I thought. he usually has the ability to coax me out of my anxiety and make me laugh......the kids were fighting when he got here......he's now in a piss because of it and sat in silence......he's barely spoken to me since he got her with a look of absolute thunder on his face.

I'm so tired of everything being on me.......everything being my fault and even around the people I'm most closest to having to portend that everything is ok because their mood/needs trump mine.

I'm so sick of the deafening Silence between me and my boyfriend that I have come upstairs to clean. I am sick of feeling like this.........a family friend committed suicide recently and it's effected me quite badly.

Big hugs. It sounds like you have a lot on at once. The suicde must be hard for you to proceas. I'm sorry to hear it happened. Is there a grief group or forum you could join?

Is your bf worth it? Just asking as they would be one solution to ease the pressure.

I was once told to look after myself and make myself strong otherwise if never be able to actually help anyone else. All I was do i g was try to be the one to fix everything and not managing to.

my bf is a good egg......he's just been miserable the last few days. he won't talk about it and "doesn't know what's wrong"
I do find it frustrating.......I've really struggled these past few days and he hasn't batted an eyelid.......yet when hes in a mood I talk to him......make a fuss......pick him up little treats etc. I asked him earlier I was making him unhappy and he said he didn't know! that really upset me.......then later I picked him up on it and he brushed it off saying he was being stupid. my period is done now and I can feel the effects slowly receding.
I wasn't even massively close to the person who died.......it's just come as such a huge shock. I think it's hit me hard because I have always struggled with depression and anxiety but I'm very open about it......I have had very dark times and always managed to pull through. the ripple effect and what it does to the people around you in quite sobering. Just such a terrible loss for his family.