i cant describe my own mental health and i hate it

[happyfrown]

I have borderline personality disorder. with diagnosis.
I read it and relate to almost everything it says, but when someone asks me about it and I try to explain how it makes my life different from others and the hell I live with it doesn't come out.

I try and describe it and it almost sounds like im making excuses for myself and I end up pissing myself off

I know how hard I find life and how unstable I feel most days. I was talking to my landlord the other day she said I was very laid back, down to earth and easy to talk to! im sitting in her office shaking like a leaf (although not visible) that ive ventured outside. then get home and the usual self talk on if I said something wrong? why did I say this or that? did I look weird, my face must of look ugly, will she be talking about me, do i need to punish myself later.... happens after everyone I speak to. even close friends I will text to ask if I stayed to long, did I moan too much, have I said anything to upset you, how can they be my friend and put up with me....

im so fucking angry. it gets to me that i cant explain myself. why i do things. why i don't learn from my mistakes. a neighbour once asked me about going to a community event - i mentioned i cant as i don't deal well with social gatherings, she asked what i meant and why. i said i have BPD, she asked what is that then? my reply was its mood disorder! sometimes i feel like i can talk to anyone other times i hate everyone. neighbours reply was '' don't we all feel like that''

in an instant i felt everything id done in the past and present was my own fault and im using BPD as an excuse to cover up my faults and fucked up behaviour. it made me doubt whether i was actually mentally ill? i get annoyed that what i explain is not even half as bad as what its like having bdp and i don't make it sound as bad as it is if that makes sense???

when i come onto mumsnet and see one who has bpd post a thread - they can describe exactly how i feel and i could have written their post but why cant i say it out in speech. its like my mind fogs and i cant put it into words.
i probably sound like an idiot writing this thread and pointless moaning wont even make sense to anyone!

i suppose part of me wants people (who ask) to know how fucking hard it is living with this shitty head and how i wish i could just be like them! normal. i don't want sympathy or ''you poor thing'' just understand but they cant if i cant tell them right.

I don't think you are moaning at all.

When I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome a couple of years ago, it was like I had dementia and I felt so awful and no one understood how I felt at all. My anxiety and subsequent movement disorder are also very hard to explain to people who haven't had them, and it is very frustrating and makes me sad.

I find it damn hard not being able to control my involuntary facial tic-type movements and it is really shitty at times as I still have random amnesia /mind blank type symptoms from my head injury that others don't get either. Even trying to explain it to my GP is pointless as they only have 10 minutes and I can't say exactly how I feel in such a limited time.

You're not an idiot at all and are totally entitled to moan. I get it, honestly. And I get the constant feeling of frustration and lack of empathy from others, I really do. Feel free to vent away and moan all you like.

You don't sound like your moaning at all op. I've not been diagnosed but I think I might have BPD and depression (contacting gp tomorrow cos it's really taking its toll). I can see myself a lot in what you say. I'm ok to be around people as such but I constantly worry that they think I'm stupid or don't like me etc etc. It's just such hard work. Even close friends I have fun but then the doubt sets in that I've said something orvthey really don't like me and just put up with me.
If I had to explain how that affects me to someone I've no clue how I would apart from saying it's so draining and awful.

I don't think it's you- it's just not understood well, from ordinary people to mental health professionals at times.
Also, it's treatable- have you had DBT?
It's also complex, so not easy to describe in a sentence.
Maybe practice a phrase to say like' I have BPD which means I have difficulties with keeping my mood steady and coping with certain things' - if that fits for you of course.

it took so long for the docs to believe me when i was trying to tell them i don't have depression - its something else. because i couldn't put my symptoms into words, i just sounded down and stressed.

thankyou for replying to my post and sorry to hear you have felt the same. i think what makes it so frustrating is that mental health is invisible and explaining is the only way to say how it affects you. if that makes any sense.

cantstopeating you can look up the signs of bpd and take it to your gp when you go.

i don't usually go out my way to make conversation with people. if someone says hi i will reply and talk if they stop to chat. one really bad days (if i had to go out like school run) i will hang my head low so to not see anyone and walk on.

sorry i cross posted soapbox
i asked for DBT but got DIT instead! which done nothing. ive had CBT also with the same effect

on another thread i had another poster said sounds like i got OCD as have other people in RL - when i try explaining that its part of BPD as is depression and anxiety and impulses and intrusive thoughts, amongst plenty more traits all under one label! to me i sound like im milking or wanting sympathy. i don't. its just just what it is. i worry to someone who doesn't understand i sound like im making excuses for my weird ways.

i do try and think of something short and simple to say but as you say BPD is so complex full of so many problems its hard.

the easiest trait of BPD i CAN explain is self hate.

i was looking for something verbal to help me explain and turned to youtube. i found this video

im in tears. everything that was said is how i feel and how i WOULD put it in words IF i could

I could have typed your post word for word right now. BPD is evil. I'm sitting here contemplating whether I can text my DH to come home as my head is spinning. But I know in reality I just want to be on my own. But I am scared.
It will pass and I'm in an hour I'll be ok. But my head plays serious games sometimes. Pinterest had a bpd board which has some good posts on it.
Big hugs to you x

I hate being BPD too; it's hard to explain how exhausting the cycle of living with yourself is.

@Aint had a great suggestion- "I have BPD which means I have difficulties with keeping my mood steady and coping with certain things" is a good sentence. Practise it, or one that suits you.

I feel like I have to justify my hate or fear of everything.
when people suggest going to the cinema or for a meal, I cant. im not good with people in general which puts a stop to most things. going out and being anxious ontop of that, then the thought of being in a noisy room sardined with people, dark... just cant. I fear id look stupid if I have a anxiety attack.
people suggest having kids over to help my lonely kids. I cant. everything has to be in its place, no mess, fear something would happen to their child in my home. too many voices cant trigger me to loose it and start shouting, get angry and upset everyone.
people suggest taking kids out, travel to London etc. I cant. I think something might happen to us, get stuck, get lost, get hurt. would the kids be warm enough, did they bring warm enough coats. all whirls round my head, I panic get anxious. I just cant enjoy it. get annoyed with myself. hate myself. hurt myself.

to visit a friend its exhausting when I come home. im drained. angry that I might have got on their nerves or they wish they had never invited me. I tell myself to stay away from them. im not what they need in their life.

people suggest i get a hobby. if im down i cant focus. if im feeling slightly better i get impulsive and multi-buy or over do it. like animal hoarding/collecting/ridding. buy 12 budgies build an aviary in ya kitchen! or £200 of bake wear stuff and the next day loose interest, mood changes. keep fit, buy all the gear then crash weeks later. decorating.... decorate 3 times in one year cos my head changed its mind. want to learn a style of dance thinking that im of that culture/ heritage what ever the word is.

people say go on a dating website. i cant meet a man, he cant find out what im like, the compulsive things i do. no one cant love who i am. then they have to put up with how much i hate myself.

see, there seems to be a reason for everything. I cant live. and that doesn't even cover everything. some things I cant see that im doing? that I think is normal other people have said is weird, wrong, strange.

so when someone says to me ''why don't you do X,Y or Z to hep yourself'' or ''you don't look like you have mental health'' they don't know nothing about me. don't know how hard I try.
so sorry, im feel so angry. i just want to be normal.

Another BPDer here, I can't put it into words either but posting to say you are not alone with this

i hear you. Me too. Try and access DBT again if you can?

had an appointment with the access assessment team today, again. seen them before. I don't get all the names and places, some people understand whos who better - I just get confused and turn up for the appointment!

he was the only Dr who has listened he also agreed that the meds wont help with my history of them making my symptoms worst. it was like a break through that some one believed me/agreed with me.
he is referring me (again!) to get some therapy. but he says theres a chance of not being accepted if 'who ever is assessing me' refuses. which has happened 2 times before I was accepted for my last therapy course which ended in june. so im not keeping my hopes up
thanks you all for being so kind to talk.

grrr was suppose to be my other thread. sorry. stupid head!