20 Years Later

[Clearlymyfault]

Something happened 20 years ago that has destroyed me ever since. I was 17 then and I've basically had 20 years of PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.

I've been ignored, belittled and dismissed by MH services, or alternatively told that I'm too complex a case to help.

I have a job, I get up in the morning, I shower. I exist. I have no relationships or proper friendships because people frighten me beyond belief.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just don't think I can do another 20 years existing with this, and I just wanted someone to hear me because no-one does in real life.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear that you have had such bad experiences.

Have you had any form of counselling at all? Just thinking that MH services are often dismissing, that is true. But that as you are in employment is there any chance that you could pay for counselling?

Thanks for replying.

I've had counselling, CBT, EMDR and CAT. None of it helps because they just seem to want to tackle symptoms, not the cause, which I'm pretty sure is me being a terrible person.

I understand that no-one can help me, the psychiatrist told me this. I'm just tired of dragging myself through everyday just to exist. You start to wonder why bother, if this is as good as it gets?

Hi clearly

I'm pretty sure that you are not a terrible person otherwise counsellors etc would have picked up on that, and worked with you on it!

Psychiatrists, I'm sure you are aware can vary from being great to the ones that you wonder why on earth they ever considered going into it, being completely lacking in empathy, social skills and the rest. I think the one that told you 'no one can help you' is probably one of the crap ones. Unfortunately there is so much weight attached to what they say due to their position (I've had some 'interesting' things said over the past 20+ years myself)

Some people have counselling for years...my friend has been having it for years and she's not even been diagnosed with a mental illness (she's paying). MH service provision does tend to be symptom focussed. There probably is a reason for that.

Thanks for replying again. It is nice to be heard.

I'm just tired. After 20 years of people telling me to just get over it, I wonder what is so defective about me that I can't. Apparently EMDR works on everyone, so it must be my fault that it didn't work for me.

Hi, I'm currently recovering from PTSD. Have you come accross the NICE guidelines for PTSD? They set out guidelines for what treatments you should be offered. The 2 main ones are trauma based CBT and EMDR, I'm sure it states that if one doesn't work you should be offered the other, which to me implies that EMDR doesn't work for everyone.

I had something called IEMT ( similar to EMDR I think ) from an NLP therapist. This definately tackled the memories causing the PTSD not just the symptoms, and for me was like magic.

PTSD is really horrible and definately not something you can just get over. I was shocked by how disabling it was.

Thank you. I've had both types of treatment but I still have flashbacks and cannot go to certain places or be around some people because it sets off the flashbacks and panic attacks. I have trouble talking about the specific event so they said they can't help.

I've had 'all the ADs' according to the doctor and I just need to get on with it. After all, it was 20 years ago this month.

I need to have some tests for a possibly serious physical health problem but I cannot tolerate having it done to me as I know it will trigger a flashback. So, I'm thinking I should just give up really?

I couldn't talk about things either, infact trying to with my psychologist made things so much worse! That was where IEMT with the NLP therapist came into its own. A lot of NLP is content free, so you don't have to talk about things. In fact my therapist explained that talking about the trauma can retraumatise you so with PTSD its better not to.

Thanks.

I don't know why nothing has ever worked for me. Just feel that after 20 years nothing probably will.

I feel really triggered with the anniversary, I just feel that I've ruined my life so totally.

I'm 13 years from an event and it hasn't got easier.
I found writing it on a private blog helped me to start to unravel some of it. I do find it slightly easier to talk about but the triggers are still the same.
Feel free to pm if it would help.
Huge hugs.

Are you on twitter Clearly? As there are a few psychologists etc on there who talk about how trauma is dealt with so badly by MH health services. They've mentioned trauma-informed therapy so might have recommendations.
I've definitely read that EMDR does not work for everyone. And the level of skill of the practioner would also be a factor, and one which is out of your control.
I've tried a lot of approaches too, so I know a little of how disheartening it can get, and the temptation to end up blaming yourself. But it is not your fault. As you said, something happened to you. It is not a personal failing of character.
However, after years of living with trauma/MH issues we can get rather stuck in our 'groove', making it harder to change engrained and damaging thinking and coping behaviours. But that's just how brains work, not something to blame yourself for.

Thank you.

Intellectually I know that it wasn't my fault, but I can't make myself believe that. I do think that it's my fault I have let it destroy me though - it happened in my teens and I have got to my 30s and I have nothing to show for my life but a job and a house. No relationships because I am petrified, no friendships because I have nothing to offer. I just exist trying to avoid triggers but they are everywhere.

I do hear you. But, well, a job and a house are pretty big achievements.
This might be worth a look:
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1849013209/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=JM2M3FY6WV8BVXYHGQ7M&dpPl=1&dpID=410r2V9SNaL&tag=mumsnetforum-21
Paul Gilbert and Deborah Lee's work is very heartening, but also based on rigorous science. I'm not suggesting this as a 'cure' of course, but as a way to perhaps get a different perspective on how you find yourself now. And an approach beyond the often rigid MH services offered.
I do have the 'nothing will ever change feelings' myself, but there are other approaches, and it sounds like you are mid-thirties, so you are still young (even if you don't feel it).
I really don't mean to minimise. I can imagine you've been through hell, but there is hope, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Thanks, I will buy that book.

I think it's just that I see that my chance for a relationship or children is ebbing away as I'm 37 next month and I have not had a relationship since the event and I don't see how I ever could, even if I could persuade anyone to love me!

My job is good, but it's part of me existing not living, if you understand what I mean.

Yes, I do get the existing not living thing. But existing functionally, in the circumstances, is a big achievement. Even though obviously you want more than that. I hope the book helps a little.

Aw op. I hear you. How long had they been working with you before trauma cbt was commenced? I understood that it takes months and months before the work can begin due to building trust etc

I had one session before the cbt started, a 2 hour assessment.

I just feel like no-one I've seen, privately or NHS, has really been bothered about what happened to me, like they don't understand why it still has such an impact on me. This makes me think that I must be broken so badly that I can't be put back together.