Anxiety, bi-polar and wedding drama..

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Haven't posted in here for ages, but I did under a different name years ago. I posted under Parsley, but had to change when my XH found my user name and stalked me...Anyhoo, getting married to lovely man in 4 weeks. All good, except that his family are being a nightmare. Not entirely out of the blue...SIL 1 & 2 are only interested in anything that they are controlling or the centre of, but this has plumbed new depths. I made a joke on the wedding page about the people who weren't adhering to the optional dress code. Think wimp, or similar. Dress code always optional, many of my friends not doing it all fine, and they thought the post was funny. The joke was an aside to other arrangements, not posted because I am such a great comedian btw. Anyway SIL one immediately rang DP's brother to complain it was rude to call people wimps. Then rang DP to complain about me being rude....then rang what seems to be everyone in the family to then claim they all agreed...So far so Mean Girls yes? So it has escalated from there. If she had actually spoken to me, rather than tried to gang up on me in this way (And get SIL 2 to post passive aggressive sh*t on the wedding page) I would actually have had a conversation with her and not lost what little respect I had for her.

So now they are not coming to the wedding. All paid for, and they have paid rooms at a nearby hotel etc. She has also made sure that about 20 of them either don't want to come, or are scared to disagree with her .

I have put an apology on FB wedding page, for DP's benefit, as these 20 are all his family, but I am just so sad and angry for DP. Frankly, if they do come, I don't know if I can even speak to her. The dreadful woman has brought back memories of bullying, and I am struggling to sleep, which can result in me becoming quite unwell. Yesterday I was on the verge of cancelling the wedding, as I feel like I am marrying into the Moonies or other weird cult. What can I do to feel better, and help DP? I am sorry for DP, but really don't think I shoulder more than a small share of responsibilty for this, and I have put it right as far as I can. Sorry this is long...

oh spongebob what a mess.

Do your DP's family have no sense of humour? It doesn't sound like they do. What sort of people take umbrage at the use of the word 'wimp'? People in my family get called 'cunt' and 'wanker' in jest!!

What your SIL has done is so out of proportion to what you said. Even if you HAD said something offensive it would be completely out of proportion. Calling people a load of fucking tossers in my family would be dismissed as 'nerves'!

Your SIL's overreaction isn't your problem- it's hers. The rest of the family toeing the line isn't your problem- it's theirs. Don't cancel the wedding- it sounds like it will be a lot more fun without those kill joys there. I don't think there is much else you can do for DP apart from sympathise...but if this is just how they are is it something he expected?

Thanks for coming on to thread Mouse. I don't think it's even about the wimpy word tbh. She was spoiling for a fight from the start...she misunderstand some of the arrangements, and when these were clarified, she seized on this. I think it could easily have been anything! DP was the family whipping boy/slave before he met me, and he has grown a bit of back-bone since then, so I think I have become the scapegoat somewhere along the line. She controlled her son's wedding to the point that the bride, who I met about once before the wedding, confided it was not the wedding she wanted, so she has previous convictions for being a controlling nightmare. I don't think he thought she would do this. I didn't either. There is already a problem with stepdaughter (grown up) being very hostile about it, and XH trying to find out details, possibly to sabotage (putting DD in a difficult position) I factored in these people but not SIL, even though I know she's a dreadful controlling snob.... Btw, I know you are right. It's their problem. I have said to DP if he explained to someone who was not from a toxic family what had happened they would be open-mouthed with shock, but it's hard to see him hurting...

So it obviously wasn't going to make a difference with the FB apology...Sil 1 has booked a holiday covering the wedding date, to 'get away from all the drama'....so nothing I have done has made a difference. Just feel I have tried to make something right, that wasn't actually wrong, and the nasty witch has thrown in back in DP and my face... I need to try and let this go, but its hard...

Now she's posted one of those countdown tickers on facebook, days until her holiday...really rubbing DP's nose in it...

To be honest this is reflecting badly on her, not you. If she wants to be petty then she will be the one missing out. DHs brother declined his invitation to our wedding which was sad for DH, but we had the most amazing day and didn't miss him at all. He later said he regretted missing out on our day.

I would be trying to cancel the wedding & book a holiday in Vegas.
Come back married with NO interference from DH's family or your ex.

Then throw a party for your family and friends - all the people who would be truly happy for you!

Ha, it's very tempting Hats, but because of the theme, either all the clothes would we be wasted, and the efforts of those who went out of their way to dress in the 'theme'. No longer yes I agree, but it's sad to see DP, and I don't really feel he gets how awful they have been over this, and over the years... His bar is set very low. I suppose it's a Fear Obligation Guilt thing. He actually took over a bit as 'father' for her when their useless bio-dad ran off with a neighbour.

So the wedding was great! No family for DH apart from DSD1 and 2. Very sad for DH. My family/friends got into the theme, and I am very grateful that my friends especially are so supportive. Which makes it harder in a way to see why DH's family are as unpleasant as they are.

Congratulations! Glad that the wedding was good spongebob, and that DH's kids came. The rest of his family seem pretty pathetic though. I expect they would have been No Fun at a Party anyway!

I'm sure you're right Dangermouse. My lot got stuck in, and joined in the theme. I think with my friends, I have found 'My People', so they made an effort, as I would with them. I need to concentrate on the good stuff I think. Don't think I'll be going to any wider family do's though, on his side.

Great friends are priceless. Well you've certainly got a valid reason to not bother with them. It's like the benefits of divorcing someone whose family you dislike, but you got married instead!

True