Mum with personality disorder?

[Delenn5]

My mum is in her early 60s and has been having some major mental health issues. She's getting talking therapy from (I think) a psychiatric nurse and says her diagnosis is PTSD.

She has always been extra vigilant and anxious, all through my life. She has also been rather self-centred and narcissistic since at least my late teens (possibly before but when you're a kid everything is normal)

I remember reading somewhere that sometimes if a patient has borderline personality disorder, they will get the diagnosis PTSD because a diagnosis of BPD can be harmful to someone with BPD. Is that still true?

A lot of what she does fits what little I understand of BPD: very short-lived passionate romantic affairs, a lot of risky behaviour sexually and the fact that I know this because she told me all about it in excruciating detail while I was a teen. She also "exaggerates" (as in, a family euphemism for lying). Can't keep hold of money. Can't keep a job without having to leave because someone bullied her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for so long but now I'm wondering if it is more than coincidence.

Maybe she has a personality disorder and maybe she doesn't, I'm not trying to diagnose her, just trying to understand which parts of her are "on purpose" and which she cannot help.

She is in open hostilities with the majority of her brothers and sisters. I recently visited them and got their side of the story and as disloyal as it sounds, I believe them and not my mum.

The weirdest thing she has done recently is (I think), make up false memories about how she brought me up. It's so weird, so sorry if this doesn't make sense: She came to visit me and my new baby and remarked upon how amazing it was that my baby didn't really cry. She kept going on and on about how quickly I responded to my baby's cues and how lovely it was. (That was nice to hear!) Anyway, a few months later I went to visit her and she said,

"Of course, you never really cried when you were a baby. I knew your cues so well that I would respond to them immediately so you never needed to."

.... But she didn't mention it before. It's like she saw something I was doing and liked it so much that she re-wrote history to make her the protagonist? I'm constantly on shifting sands with her. Maybe she was like that when I was a baby, but why not mention it when she noticed I was having the same experience?

I know that I had really bad nappy rash as a baby, so much so that I needed steroid ointment which caused more problems than it solved. Now I have my own baby I'm suddenly angry about it. It's not that fecking hard to keep a baby's bottom clean and dry! (Maybe some babies get nappy rash more readily and it's very unfair of me?) But if I say anything/ask any questions about it, she will get defensive and angry. I know this because I've brought up other things she did when I was little (e.g. leaving me without a babysitter to go have fun with the neighbours next-door when I was three-ish, causing me to panic when I realised I was alone in the house), and she just shuts it all down with "DON'T GUILT TRIP ME. I DID MY BEST"

Anyway, I don't know what I want. Before the baby came, I could limit my exposure to her and keep myself on an even keel. Now I'm a mum it is dredging up feelings about how I was raised, and I'm also in contact with her more. I'm thinking more and more about things I thought I forgave her for years ago.

Would talking therapy work for me? What sort? I don't see how CBT would be useful, what's good for the relatives of difficult people? Am I making a fuss over normal behaviour?

I didn't want to read & run. I don't think what your mum is doing is normal at all. I don't know a lot about personality disorders vs ptsd but depending on the trauma that caused the ptsd & how long she suffered it can definitely morph into personality disorders and/or other things.

The reality is you can't change your mum but I do think you might find therapy for yourself can not only help you to sift through your feelings but also understand how best for you to deal with it. I wouldn't bother with cbt in this case but I would seriously look into Transactional Analysis (TA) therapists. I've done both cbt & ta & TA has helped me make significant headway with my difficult relationship with my mother.

Ps - good luck.

My mum has BPD but admits she was a shit mother when I was growing up, she's got a selective memory more than anything, I don't hold any resentment towards her even when she's been an attention seeking horrible cow, I'm used to it and when she's calmed down eventually she's usually quite apologetic. I have a thick skin and probably my own kind of personality disorder from dealing and growing up like this so I'm pretty much immune to it. Therapists have suggested though she's not really done me many favors.

I'll look into transactional analysis, thanks. It'd be weird if my mum had apologetic cycles. I wonder if she will start to be more self aware now she's getting help.

Hi. I don't feel I have much to give today but I wanted to reply to your post. No, this isn't normal or ok. Yes, talking therapy is a good idea. If you need more info I can come and post later. Also if you are a book person I can recommend books to help wih your process.

I too found that becoming a mum brought back and brings back loads of stuff. It's tough but it's part of the growth and journey of parenthood I think. It means you can break the cycle :)

You can pm me if you want to chat more.

Hope you're OK today.

I do think talking therapy for you might help to unravel it all, in time.

It sounds as if she can't cope with facing reality at the moment. It seems a positive that she is at least having therapy though, hopefully this will help her.

Hi ChestofDrawers, I would love some book recommendations! I'm ok, I just think about stuff for a bit and then drop it. It helps being busy, I guess!

Soapbox: I think you're right about the not wanting to face reality. I hope she's working through her shit, she's really quite nice when she's well.

Having had PTSD ( the simple 1 trauma version) I can say it sucks and is very disabling, I believe the complex version (from many traumatic events over time eg abuse or neglect) is even worse. Mental health diagnoses are complex and often overlap, it is not uncommon for them to change over time or when seen by different psychologists. Mental health treatments often focus on the symptoms rather than the diagnosis so this doesn't tend to matter in the way it might with a physical health condition. Its great that your Mum has support from a CPN. You might also want to check out the NICE guidelines for PTSD www.nice.org.uk talking therapy per se is not reccommended for PTSD, the recommendation is for either trauma specific cbt or EMDR. But a CPN often monitors the situation and offers support, some are trained in certain therapies themselves, though I would want a trauma specialist personally after a bad experience with a non specialist psychologist.

I have had large ammounts of therapy dealing with my quite average childhood over the years. I've found general councelling very useful for this.

Hiya,
I am a mum with BPD caused by various life experiences. What your mum did was wrong but some things are really difficult when you have mental health issues.
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