I'm just feeling awful again

[cryinginmysleepagain]

I just need to write this all down and get it out. My son is 2 and almost certainly had autism (whether dp wants to admit it or not). I've suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for years. It's all come back again tenfold. I hate my job and I'm making mistakes all over the place. I'm have too much to do and can't cope. I'm worried I'll get fired and have no money. I hate not being home for my son. I blame myself for his issues which have only surfaced since he went to nursery. I cry to myself all the time. I feel like a total failure and don't know what to do.

Firstly you can't blame your self for your sons autism even if worse cause scenario he didn't have autism and it is behavioral the fact your so down and feeling guilty automatically puts you in the amazing mum bracket.
It's those that don't give a shit and are in denial are the bad ones that should feel guilty and don't.

Your work sounds like the main problem, your stretching your self out too far to the point where you feel you might break. What could make it easier? Less hours? Could you afford to drop a few hours a week? Have you told your line manager how you feel? You need support no one is expected to do it all on their own. The people who seem to manage are the ones with the most support it may just be discreet xxx

I just got asked to do more hours (an extra day and double workload). I didn't feel I could refuse as it was made pretty clear I was gone if I didn't agree (they never actually said but wouldn't tell me what the alternative was). The industry I work in is going through a prolonged difficult period and we are all told we are 'disposable'. I hate it beyond belief.

I'm so tired and stressed at weekends I don't get any quality time with my son. I have become withdrawn and find it increasingly difficult to connect with dp. He can be difficult and demanding which doesn't help. I find myself losing my temper with him where I never would have before. Over stupid things like him not helping with the dishes or getting up if ds wakes in the night.

I just hate my life at the moment. I want to burst into tears at every turn. I love my son with every bit of my heart but I'm just so miserable just now.