Looking back I had mild depression from the age of about 16, which reached crisis point in when I was about 25, when I was uncontrollably sobbing for no reason at random times.
A multitude of life things added to this - a pregnancy termination, a couple of miscarriages etc. My way of coping with low self esteem was to drink like a fish on a night out and shag anyone who showed an interest. That led to the failed pregnancies.
The first thing I noticed when started on antidepressants (at the time of the sobbing) was that I had no fear of anything, but also no more real laughter.
I came off the pills after a few attempts, and haven't needed them for a good 8 years. However, I have recently realised I'm joyless and have been since I started the tablets all those years ago. I don't laugh much anymore and before the ADs, I was always laughing even when I was crying.
Is this a growing up thing? I'm only 36. Is it a leftover from the depression? Some sort of long term personality change or damage? Why am I joyless?
I belly laughed for the first time in a good year the other day, which is what set me to thinking. I miss being that happy person.