Does anyone else share this fucked-up way of thinking?

[SleepFreeZone]

I'm so used to it now it barely bothers me but if I tell anyone else they do seem surprised. Pretty much daily since I was about 17 I've wanted to be dead. So we're talking nearly thirty years.

You wouldn't know I felt like this if you knew me as I seem happy and pretty bubbly. Thing is I'm not unhappy, although I certainly have been in the past, I just don't want to make old bones. So I daydream of terminal illnesses like other people daydream of holidays.

I don't fear death. Most nights I go to sleep and would be very happy not to wake up again. I have a family who I love, a partner who is wonderful to me, and yet this melancholy just stays with me.

I've never taken medication and don't want to. I find pleasure in small things and look forward to stuff. I love being creative and have definitely struggled with being unable to pursue this for the last few years due to my kids eating all my time. But I'm sure in the future I'll pick it up again and get engrossed.

I have no desire to kill myself btw, I'm not suicidal. So is this really weird or do other people just do as I do, head down, plough through each day but secretly desire the long sleep?

If only, pretty much all my life.

I'd like to just drift away quietly and not wake up. I don't think it's that unusual, just a by product of the pressure of my every day life. And my people pleasing personality traits.

If you met me you'd think I was fun, bubbly and extrovert. I actually the total opposite and I think the charade is hard to maintain.

People say I'm great company, such a laugh etc etc. But I'm actually a loner who wouldn't mind dying in my sleep, but I'm not actively suicidal. I hear you.

I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I get really worried that there is something deeply wrong with me to feel this way. No one would ever guess as I too am seen as fun and extrovert.

How old are your children OP? Mine are 4 & 5 and my life outside work is just a rinse and repeat struggle of tantrums of 'she's said this', 'no she kicked me', 'no she pinched me first', 'I don't want to eat that dinner it's yucky'.

Maybe we need a (non health) sanatorium with delicious food, massages and cocktails for worn out desperate women

I kind of feel like I could just walk away sometimes and disappear. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I do love my children very much, but it's such hard work. I've never been a glass half full person but the children and work have made my glass pretty much empty.

Bless you all for making me feel more normal 💐💐💐

I do have two young children and another one on the way!! I really miss working and having a purpose. That definitely helped me mentally when I felt I was achieving something.

I guess we're normal then. I read tons of internet articles on it and it's definitely not something way out of the ordinary.

Good luck with your next one, may you be blessed with a child who sleeps twelve hours a night from birth and is the star of all baby groups.

You will get some mojo back if you return to work, even if it's part time. I did but it took some doing. I remember very dark periods when I had two in nappies and the never ending grind of it all. It's still hard now, but I've just got my five year old into her own bed tonight for the first time ever (please don't judge). I honestly thought everyone else found it easy...maybe they do?

I consider myself a good mum, but I am not that cake baking, cookie cutting, play doh mum that I thought I'd be. I find small children relentless and life sapping, my brain craves adult conversation

I also hear you OP. Live a very full life, lots of friends, great job, fantastic kids etc etc, but I don't want to make old bones either. I would be more than happy if I went to sleep one night and didn't wake up. It doesn't scare me either. And I do the type of job where it could happen at any point. My outlook is, bring it on. But yes, have also wondered if my thinking is a bit fucked up !! Nice to know I'm not the only one !!

Are you sure you actually want to be dead? As you've said your not suicidal. Could this be just escapist fantasy thoughts due to the daily grind?

Could be funnyonion. I definitely enjoy the finality of it as a thought if I'm really worried about something.

Hello, hope you don't mind me posting on your thread. I am having an awful time at the moment and was about to start a thread of my own for someone to talk to but then spotted this thread. I kind of feel the way you feel OP and also the other people who have posted. I feel empty and worthless and almost invisible most days and feel so very sad. I.live for my beautiful children and am devoted to them, I just feel like they keep me going. I am always tired and feel futile and have got to the point that people around me irritate me so I've become withdrawn from people and prefer to just take my dcs out for a day without having the palava of meeting friends. I just want people to leave me alone yet am lonely. So confused!! Sorry for jumping onto the thread xx

User149xxxx you are not hijacking. It's nearly midnight and I've just made packed lunches and ironed tomorrows clothes.

If it wasn't for my DDs I'd be...God knows what...I know I can't say it here.

Don't feel alone, we are with you.

I kind of feel the same way. Except with children it's got worse I do love them but aged 2 and 6 they are the same as pp said - always falling out with each other, moaning and wingeing.

I could really relate to the mum in the Bad Moms film who said she dreams of being in a car crash and hospitalised so people would take care of her and she could sleep and get away from the daily grind

Yep me too

You're not alone.

I don't think this is normal. I'm presuming everyone who has commented has seen this thread because they also have MH issues which is why they're on this forum.
I've felt like this since I was about 4 so that's 30 years. It's awful .

Another one here who shares the same way of thinking op! Have wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up since I was probably about 13. I just seem to bring hassle and grief to everyone around me even though it's never intentional. Would welcome the chance to escape from a life that has been constantly stressful! I have a dc who is also an anxious little soul, hoping they don't turn out to feel the same

everyone is different so its normal for you but not normal to some others, I am not a very happy person i dont care too much about living im kinda an angry person as everyday when i have to interact with others my son an anyone im feeling irritable like i cant be bothered an its too tiring,i like being alone best an am happiest when alone but then i feel very sad at times when i think about the fact my life must seem totally empty an pathetic to most people who have things like a relationship and good friends career ect that ill never have i feel i wont anyway as i dont try for things an probably wont either, and i am deep down so sad but i dont daydream or fantasise about dying from a terminal illness,,,

When I was five my favourite get to sleep story was to make up a scenario in my head that I had cancer. I've always been this way.

Maybe I shouldn't have said normal, but there seem to be a lot of us. It is an ingrained part of my personality.

FWIW I have a good life. The children, the business, the house and the car. I really should be very grateful.

I had a terrible childhood, foster care, adoption and lost my abusive, adoptive mother at 11 to breast cancer. My adoptive father expected me to take her place and run the house.

But inside I'm rotten. I'm empty and because I have everything I feel worse. I consider disappearing and sleeping rough. I know I can't, but it would be an escape. I'm always looking for an escape.

Anyone else have childhood trauma?

My mother was / still is an abusive alcoholic and didn't take much interest in me
It's funny you say you feel worse now you have everything as I feel like that too, before there was always 'if I get this, if I achieve that then I'll be happy' but I've got everything I ever wanted now and I still feel unhappy. I dislike myself immensely and find everyday an uphil slog

I've never felt I didn't want to wake up but I did say to dp today I'd like to get right away from people for a while. I also had the hospital fantasy when my dcs were small. I just find the needs of everyone around me exhausting sometimes. I feel like I'm scraping by most of the time. It's relentless.

You'd never guess that if you knew me I don't think. I seem to have my shit together. It just takes more to maintain that than I can sometimes spare.