Where best to help dh

[crimsoncurls]

The last few years have been rather stressful in the crimson household, deaths in the family, business owners, DC under 4.
DH has, when younger suffered severe depression and regularly talks about how he thought about ending his life.

Over the last few months DH's mental health seems to have taken a downward turn.

He's becoming increasingly paranoid that in his words 'you will leave me' 'I don't feel loved' 'I'm convinced something is going on with you and male employee'.

His drinking has increased, before this thread turns to everyone telling me he has a drink problem we are both well aware of this, as it 'helps him sleep' after even just a couple of glasses his whole persona changes the paranoia increases and the accusations begin to flow.

He is however now like this when sober. Constantly appears down and depressed and says it's because 'he knows' I'm going to leave. 'Our relationship is basically no more than friends, being parents and business partners'. And how he 'should just jump in front of a train'

Just to clarify at no point have I given him any kind of impression that I'm being unfaithful or thinking of leaving, I have no intention of doing either.

I love DH with all of my heart but life is becoming increasingly difficult. I have no choice but to work with male employee as he is the only staff member available at present to do the job which we need doing, this job also requires my expertise, something DH is unqualified to do.

I seriously feel he needs some form of help with his mental health but do not know who or how to approach the correct person.
When intoxicated he tries to pack a bag to leave and drive off as 'we would be better without him'

There have been periods on and off throughout our whole marriage that he has been like this but recently it is become more and more often.

I really want to help DH and for him to see how lucky he is to live the life we do and that he has no need to be concerned I may leave and to enjoy this time whilst our DC are small.

I'll probably get flamed for this but it's getting to the point I'm starting to resent him. I go to work all day to then return to accusations or him making sarcastic comments to try and get a reaction from me. Such as 'you love working at ...... surrounded by blokes all day' whilst I'm trying to sort DC cook dinner tidy up and at some point for in 5 mins to sit quietly.

Who can we speak to? How do we get an appointment.

Any help will be appreciated!!

Any suggestions at all?

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Could you afford private counselling? Someone who deals with complex grief - loss of all kinds of relationships, status etc - might be able to help him get a better perspective.

I'm not sure it's much to do wth loss in the family as it was on my side. I thinks a lot more deep set than recent events.

I will look into private counselling, we don't have a lot of money but if it's what he needs we will find a way.

I'm beginning to wonder if he has some form of personality disorder, our GP is next to useless and just throws anti depressants at him and sends him out the door, they mask the problems during the day but don't actually sort out the root cause whatever that is.

It sounds grim and hard to live with. Depression is sometimes expressed as anger/bitterness and alcohol will be making it all worse (including the quality of sleep, even if it helps with initially getting to sleep). I know you didn't want to focus on his drinking, but maybe you could talk to Al-Anon, which supports families of problem drinkers. Even if only to get contacts for other local support.

It's not so much I don't want to talk about his drinking just didn't want the only advice to be 'he drinks too much' etc. Al anon sounds like a good idea.

He sounds very unstable and I think this going on and on about other men is abusive/controlling behaviour. Has it just been the last few months? Would living apart for a bit be an option, perhaps for him to take a break, seek counselling, etc.

Yes it has just been the last few months that it has gotten to this stage. I want to be there for him and to help him get better, I just don't know what he needs to get better from. Is t something 'wrong' with him or is this just his personality? I keep telling myself he must be unwell but I do t actually that's the case. Think it's hard to imagine the man I married saying and doing the things he does at the moment. We have spoken about he drinking and he knows it needs to stop. So I think our first stage is going to be trying to do that.

Kicking the alcohol is definately a good start, alcohol is a depressant so will be making him feel much worse. Does his GP know the full story? If your husband is paranoid, he likely completely believes the paranoid thoughts so won't have discussed these with his GP. I would ring your husbands GP and explain the full situation. The GP can't give you any information, but there is nothing to stop them listening to your concerns. Some can be reluctant, but they have a duty of care to your husband to listen to your concerns about his mental health. In some areas people can self refer into mental health services too, have a look and see if there is an iapt service in your area or a single point of access number for the mental health services.