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Dh wanting to be safed, wanting a shoulder to cry on but too much?

9 replies

Snafu1988 · 21/07/2017 15:15

So, I decided to change a few things in our life's. My dh has mental health issues and I think it has a negative impact on the children.
I think he is a very lovely, upright, caring and responsible guy. So proud he chose me.

There are a few things I want to address:

  1. Hubby whining about how unfit he is, while constantly snacking. Telling me twice a day how unfit he is, telling me he is a "cripple" (he is a actually not missing any limbs, just short of hearing and a bit pudgy)
  2. Telling me at least twice a day how much he loved his former job from which he got discharged over health reasons, how the people on this job were far more honorable, worth your while and better than everybody else. EVERYBODY. EVER.
  3. Hubby asking me for help about silly, silly things like having to chose his wardrobe. He used to be more self-reliant about this... but now I have to choose for him again.... not once in a while but always, every morning. He is not an idiot but works in responsible position and should be able to choose a trouser, telling me he CANNOT choose a trouser or socks, because he never learned it. Which is actually a very unusual opinion because he was not naked when I met him. By the way nearly all his trousers look the same and since when a person had to learn how to choose a trouser. Just don't get this.

So i don't want to be mean, but I want this to change... and I am starting to work on this right now. First starting with his snacking habit. Really do not want to patronize him but i think he needs to be led a bit.

OP posts:
NolongerAnxiousCarer · 21/07/2017 19:04

Hi, just wondering what your DHs diagnosis is? My DH suffers with psychosis and I read an interesting book called "The Centre Can Not Hold: my journey through madness" by Proffessor Elyn Saks. She is a proffessor of psychiatry, psychology and law in california and also has schizophrenia. I found it very interesting reading her discriptions of how psychosis affects her, the bit that is standing out to me here is when she is talking about negative symptoms and how they affect her ability to plan things such as self care and dressing herself. This is also a high functioning adult. If you left him to pick his own clothes what would happen? Would he end up dressed or would he not be able to get past this? Spend all day trying to work it out? Would the process cause him great distress?

I do share you frustration about the eating all the time yet complaining about being fat and unfit. Sounds just like DH. Do his meds make him hungry? Thats a big part of DHs problem his meds cause him to crave fats. I try to include healthier fats in our meals to help with this and have pusuaded him to join the gym I go to and we are enjoying doing that together. We have also been going on bike rides together is this something you could all do as a family?

Has he ever had any councelling to help him come to terms with his diagnosis and the change of job? It sounds like he feels crippled by his illness although it's not affecting him physically.

Also wondering if you have had a carers assessment regarding support for you. If you find your husband can't get past the chosing what to wear thing (an occupational therapist may be able to help here he could ask his GP or CPN about a referal) then would a support worker helping him plan his outfits for the week help. My husbands mental health team are also able to refer people for 'exercise on prescription' where you get subsidised gym membership.

Snafu1988 · 21/07/2017 22:15

Thanks for your answer. Living with a spouse with psychosis must be pretty tough. How do you cope?

My dh was diagnosed with PTSD but I think he is pretty untypical. He does not have aggression and all of that stuff.
He has anxiety though, he struggles with crowds and he has trouble sleeping.

Picking his clothes? I do not know what it is, maybe he wants to be babyied. He is able to pick his clothes. I had an accident last month, had to stay in hospital for a few days, my mother watched the children but of course she did not pick his clothes. So he just picked his clothes. I have no idea what the problem is. It is just odd.

Why did Elyn Saks have trouble picking her clothes?

We have a home-gym and he goes jogging. The problem really is eating, always with a pack of crisps in his hand. Comfort food, you know?

OP posts:
NolongerAnxiousCarer · 22/07/2017 00:15

Life with psychosis can be tough at times, but to steal the phrase from McMillan, it's still life Smile

I am currently recovering from PTSD myself, I wasn't aware agression was a symptom, it wasn't one of mine. When it was bad it was very debilitating, anxiety, pannic attacks, flashbacks, emotional numbing, memory loss and concentration. At it's worst I couldn't even work out how to make a cup of tea because I couldn't concentrate for long enough, I wonder if something like this could be a factor with choosing clothes? I would manage eventually, but a few times ended up with a mug of cold milk with a tea bag in! I even got stuck in the kitchen once because I couldn't work out how to get out the house. I knew I needed to put my coat on and my trainers and I couldn't work out what I needed to do first and what order to do things in to get out the house. I managed eventually but it took me ages to figure it out.

Elyn Saks was talking about schizophrenia/psychosis. One of the symptoms is difficulty ordering thoughts/thoughts jumping about. I believe it was this she felt made self care difficult. DH struggles with selfcare, but has always managed to end up dressed I don't thimk I've ever had to pick his clothes out for him to wear, though he likes me to buy them for him.

I've found a few quotes from Elyn Saks:

"My mother helped me find clothes which was one of my least favourite tasks; there were too many choices, I could never make up my mind, and whenever I tried to picture circumstances in which I would wear these new clothes, the thought alone made me anxious."

"Schizophrenia rolls in like a slow fog, becoming imperceptably thicker as time goes on. At first, the day is bright enough, the sky is clear, the sunlight warms your shoulders. But soon, you notice a haze beginning to gather around you, and the air feels not quite so warm. After a while, the sun is a dim lightbulb behind a heavy cloth. The horizon has vanished into grey mist, and you feel a thick dampness in your lungs as you stand, cold and wet, in the afternoon dark.

For me (and for many of us), the first evidence of that fog is a gradual deterioration of basic common-sense hygine - what the mental health community calls "self care skills" or "activities of daily living" Once away from my parents' watchful eyes, I grew inconsistent about asking myself the taken for granted questions. Or maybe I was muddled about what the right answers to those questions should be. Are showers really neccessary? How often do I need to change clothes? Or wash them? Have I eaten anything yet today? Do I really need to sleep every night? Do I have to brush my teeth every day?

Some days, the answers were clear as a bell: For heaven's sake, Elyn, clean yourself up! And so I did. But other days, the questions and answers were just too hard to sort out. I don't know, I dont know. Or, simply, I just couldn't remember: Did I do that already? Did I do that already? Did I do it yesterday? Takingcare of myself meant doing more than reading a book or finishing a term paper; it meant strategizing, organising, keeping track. And some days, there just wasn't enough room in my head to keep all that together."

I don't think its necessarily relevent to your husbands problems, though I found it interesting.

Has your husband ever seen a trauma specialist? I had something called IEMT ( similar to EMDR ) which was like someone had waved a magic wand, the flashbacks, pannic attacks and anxiety completely stopped after the second session (they were much better after the first) and gradually my thinking is recovering.

Snafu1988 · 22/07/2017 07:12

He has seen a trauma specialist , yes. still seeing es one. Actually this one does CBT for trauma and it helped a lot. He has also attended a weekend yoga class for people with trauma. Several weekends in a row. It helped a lot and he bonded with them and was so happy not sure if it was the yoga. I think it was more the bonding experience. Introduced me to some of the guys via skype.

"There are just too many choice. I cannot cope with that" is something my husband often says... but he does not have psychosis. He says it about having to pick his clothes or about having to shop for groceries. Grocery shopping is also tough for him because sometimes shops are crowded and because he has to line himself in and have people in his back... but he is doing that so much better. I am not sure why he cannot cope with this choices. He has to make really important choices at his workplace and never struggled with this.

What you wrote about brushing the teeth reminds of of a man with PTSD I once met. That guy was working, no problem, but he told me he struggled with remembering to brush his teeth and I never got why, because he was not being an idiot and made sense but could never remember zu brush his teeth.

Could you explain it to me?

OP posts:
NolongerAnxiousCarer · 22/07/2017 13:29

Hi,

The brushing teeth bit was part of the quote from the book, so I'm afraid I can't explain that bit.

I found supermarkets incredibly difficult with the PTSD as things often triggered flashbacks. I was told supermarkets are notoriously triggering bacause they are so full of things/people who are potential triggers. I did still make myself go even if it was with DH as I could so easily have stopped doing things and ended up with my world getting smaller and smaller and I was determined not to let this happen.

As for making decisions the main issue for me was that I didn't seem to be able to filter information and pick out the relevant bits. I still find this a problem at work sometimes when there is a lot going on, its like information overload. For a long time thinking was like catching fog, the information was swirling about me and I just couldn't pick out the relevant bits and then hold on to them for long enough to put them all together. It was very disconcerting, now I just find it more frustrating as I used to love working in a fast paced and busy environment and be very good at it. Things are improving but its about 12 months since it started now and I'm not fully back to normal.

RoseStillRose · 29/07/2017 02:27

If he's got PTSD and he's holding down a responsible job he is doing SO WELL.

The thing about choices is this...PTSD stems from very traumatic, often life or death situations. Which often involve life or death choices, or at the very least situations with big consequences. Nothing matters but necessity.

And you kind of get stuck, at least in part, in that mode. So choices with comparatively small consequences, like picking clothes or groceries, seem meaningless. Your brain really can't engage with it.

Imagine you were in a car, that was skidding out of control on an icy road, and whilst you were wrestling with the steering wheel, desperately trying not to crash, someone said "Blue tie or purple? And would you prefer seeded rolls or a whole meal loaf while we're at it?". You just wouldn't be operating on that level.

So in PTSD, part of the person is jammed stuck in that kind of mode of existence.

The reason he could do it whilst you were in hospital was, it was partly a real necessity but also partly because the fact you had an accident and were in hospital made the whole time an "emergency situation". And emergency situations fit quite well with the kind of mental/emotional state around a traumatic incident that PTSD often stems from. Life probably, in an odd way, made more sense to him on certain levels that a more everyday day to day life did.

He sounds like he is doing really well to do the yoga and CBT too.

The eating thing is also linked to parts of his mind and emotions being in a heightened/emergency mode. I know one of the symptoms of my PTSD was always being scared that I might not have the chance to eat again, so if there was a chance to eat I should take it. On one level I knew it wasn't rue, but on an emotional level I was always hungry and it was very hard to resist that.

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 29/07/2017 12:39

Thats very interesting rose and makes a lot of sense, I thought it wad the Mirtazapine making me put on weight (it is notorious for increased appetite) but I'm still on it yet now I'm feeling ok I'm rarely hungry, so maybe the PTSD was part of it too.

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 13:31

Thanks for sharing, RosestillRose and Nolongeranxiouscarer,

Do you think there is a way I can help him cope with this things like picking his clothes (for example), for him it is sort of odd, because on the one hand I what you said reminded me of something he said a while ago which was that live is pretty boring for him and he cannot cope with thefact that nothing ever happens.

This is partly his own fault because he does not go places very often, like I said he does not like crowds though it is better now.

On the other hand he some really odd fears like he might not be able to pick his clothes correctly, people will laugh about him, it might have an impact on his career.

OP posts:
NolongerAnxiousCarer · 31/07/2017 19:35

He is still seeing the trauma specialist, hopefully things will continue to improve with this input and time. For me once the trauma resolved with therapy (IEMT similar to EMDR) then the recovery process began. I'm 7 month on now from the point that the main PTSD symptoms (panick attacks, flashbacks etc) resolved and not fully back to normal, but I'm gradually getting there.

Maybe starting to push the boundies of what he does, in a gradual way. You could ask him to get advise anout this from his therapist. For example I was off sick for a long time. When it came to going back I had a fear of falling appart infront of everyone or not coping, initialy just going into the building triggered pannic attacks (I was seeing a councellor and psychologist through work so was having appointments in the building I work in) I started by meeting my manager on a different site when I needed to hand my sick notes in, then meeting a few collegues one at a time for coffee out of work, then in work, then going in to have lunch with my team, then started back at work for a few hours a week doing basic admin tasks building up very gradually to full duties and nearly full hours now. I know your DH is still working but could he use this type of graded approach to other activities/tasks?

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