Unsupportive DH

[WhatThePuck]

Back story
I be had a long history of medical conditions since I was young.
It was tough but I live the best I could. I got married and much to my delight I had my baby.
After that it went downhill. I was diagnosed with something that basically the prognosis wasn't very good. I however defied the doctors and am clear but with still physical symptoms which will never go away and a body that reads like a roadmap due to so many scars. Throughout this my DH was supportive but it was hard and it nearly broke us.
I now am heavily depressed. I think about how I should've died all the time and have anxiety as well.
I don't work so after dropping my child to school I sit at home and either cry or sleep or watch hours of TV to numb the pain.
I am either in physical pain or mental pain or both.
I have been referred to the hospital psychiatrist who although is very nice it doesn't help.
Talking to her I have identified that I have had this actually all my life but it has manifested itself 10 fold since my recent diagnosis. However she wants to use our sessions to draw a timeline of when my anxiety and depression started and what's making it worse. I don't feel that is even going to touch it.
I am so ashamed to say I cried in my 6 yo arms before bedtime and they comforted me and wiped my tears all the while looki completely mystified, scared and with a few tears.
My 'DH' is sympathetic when I have something physical (but not always). He has an opinion that mental is something that you can snap out of and you just get on with it. He is currently not even speaking to me which has made the depression worse.
I can't talk to my mum. She has so much on her plate and she was so supportive and I feel I would be a burden.
I've tried talking to my husband but for example last night at 6.30 I called him at work to tell him I was in pain. So he came home and took over sorting out DC.
This morning he didn't even try to find out if I was better and I wasn't. He ended up taking DC to school. It is now 9.30 he hasn't come home and is probably at the gym near work.
Please do not tell me to LTB as that is not an option.
I think he feels that he has supported me with my life long condition, my newly diagnosed condition and now this and he can't take it anymore.
My D&A is having a huge toll on our marriage which then just makes my D worse. It's a constant cycle.
I'm spending huge amounts of money on beauty or clothes to make me feel good but I know it's short lived. I then get anxiety so then I go to return most of it.
I'm so ashamed to say for a good part of my life I've also done something really silly which could've got me into a lot of trouble and it was something I couldn't stop.
No one in my family or DH knows. I didn't seek any help and only because of my DC I found the will to stop it aft nearly 20 years.
I constantly get thoughts of why I shouldn't be here and the only thing that stops me is my DC and my mum who I know would be absolutely devastated.
I wish my husband could understand. Whilst I love him we are just not seeing eye to eye on anything especially recently and I sometimes wonder if we are actually all that compatible. I think partly we are so alike, but both with terrible tempers that we clash.

I cant cope with life anymore and doing even basic stuff I feel I can't do.

Anyone??

Hi OP,

Sorry I can't be of much help and I'm sure someone will be along to give you some good advice soon but you're in the right place to get some support and let your feelings out.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone who's got PTSD and I find it very hard to understand and live with him at the moment because his mood has an impact on the whole house, I understand he can't help this but it is also very difficult for the people closest to someone with mental health. I try hard to do anything he needs and listen if he ever wants to talk but it is hard work.

I'm not saying that it's okay for him to be unsupportive but it sounds like you've really struggled for a long time and maybe it's taking it's toll on him too which he feels like he can't mention?

I could be completely way off the mark and I'm sorry if I am but being in the opposite side to your situation I see it a little differently at the moment!

I meant to add please speak to your mum, even with stuff going on surely she won't look at you as a burden, she would want you to talk to her

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.

You don't mention ADs, at least as far as I can see. Is that something you have/would consider?

Thank you. My psychologist just called to make my next appointment and I told her these last few days have been really hard.
I have asked my H to go for counselling but he refused.
I have a lot of issues and every time I try talking to my husband we argue. Is it a good idea do you think if possibly my psychologist talked to my husband about me if I can convince him to come. Maybe I will get how he feels and she can explain to him about me.

Sweetheart, is it possible that you're blaming your DH for something that only you can change?

My psychologist had initially said we will just do the historical thing but today on the phone she asked if I would consider it.
I'm just scared they're going to make me even more loopy
Cha cha - For some part yes but he is being very cold and distant and not considering that any of 5 major events in my life could be a major cause for anybody to suffer mentally.
Because of this even if he doesn't want to go counselling together I still need to because I am nearly over the edge. The only thing that is stopping me is my DC.

I think you need to ask your mum for some support and leave your husband out of it for a bit.

It appears to me that he's overwhelmed by it all. I'm not sure that he's ever really going to 'get it' and as you say you can't leave him, I think you need to back off from dumping more of your stuff on him.

Let your psychiatrist and mum support you for a few months. Perhaps ring the Samaritans if things get really bad for you. Is there a support group online for your health issue?

Hi I can also see both sides of the situation. My DH has depression and episodes of psychosis, I have suffered from depression and PTSD myself too.

As others have said supporting others particularly with mental illness can be exhausting. If I was advising your husband in this situation I would be telling him that his number 1 priority right now for all 3 of you is to put his own health first, to take time out for himself, go to the gym regularly etc. Because if he goes under then he won't be able to support you or your DC through this. I love my DH, he is my best friend, but when I've failed to look after myself I've ended up too poorly to look after him, then we are both in a right old mess.

Let your mum support you and your psychiatrist, you will get through this. Antidepressants have saved my life in the past and are definately worth considering. Something else my husband and I are finding useful is family therapy, where we see a psychologist together to discuss the impact that his illness has had on us and our relationship. Now might not be the time, but it could be something to consider in the future when you are feeling better.

Asking your psychiatrist to speak to your husband sound like a good idea too though to help him understand better.

So would you consider ADs?