One daughters dead and the other hates me. Tell me it gets better

[StupidSlimyGit]

I'm just so fed up, my relationship has just broken down after I found out ex dp was cheating on me from when I was 6 months pregnant with DD2, lots of people knew and it has made me scared to trust the people I thought were friends. I'm stuck still in the same flat as my ex so he can still constantly make jabs about how the whole thing was my fault, he cheated because of my MH issues, because I've put on weight, because I was ill during my pregnancy, because I'm not fun enough. I have depression, PTSD and anxiety.
To top it all off my 9 month old DD is refusing food, dietician has said this is common in kids with a dairy allergy (she has cmpi) but that also they see lots of feeding problems in kids whose mothers are depressed and she has decided she hates me. Any time in near she just screams or cries or pushes me away till her dad comes back, only he works nights so he's hardly ever around and she absolutely doesn't want to go to me. She would rather have cuddles off the complete stranger doctor than her own mother.
DD1 ties several years ago, I had to make the choice to turn her life support off, and ex along with a few other people have recently started making digs at me because I should have fought for her, should have done everything Charlies parents are doing for him instead of "giving up", but there was no hope, she couldn't survive, it was the kindest thing and she went in my arms and I loved her so much it still hurts so much now it feels like someone has physically torn my heart out.
So now I'm in bed, and all I can think of is how much I don't want to be here anymore. My parents aren't around for support because of their religion, my CPN is lovely but flaky as anything but I can't contact anyone other than her because when I try I get referred back to her, neither of my daughters wants or needs me and I'm making ones life harder. I'm struggling to think of a reason to stay, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Someone please tell me this gets better? Easier? Has anyone else's kid decided they hated them so young and ever changed their mind?

Sorry that's so long

I'm quite sure your daughter doesn't hate you. She still so tiny. You're obviously in a terrible place right now and it sounds like those around you are either not helping or actually making things worse. I don't know the best place to suggest for support but maybe your HV is a good start. My eldest daughter has a cmp allergy and was a dreadful eater until she got to about 2 when things really improved, there didn't seem to be any reason for the change she just decided to eat. She's still not a hungry toddler but does ok at most meals. I'm sorry I can't be of any more practical help but take care of yourself and I truly hope things improve for you.

Hi OP - I've no great words of wisdom but am here to listen if you're still up

Just thinking of immediate changes - is there any way ex can move out? Absolutely horrid to be betrayed like that - and he's a liar. He cheated because he isn't a good person, end of. Dismiss his stupid chat about you immediately, he isn't worth any space in your head, he isn't worth the ground you tread on. You've just bought life into this world, he's nothing to you.

Same can be said for anyone commenting of your DC who passed on. I'm so so sorry to hear you have been through this - do you get counselling or any other support for your grief? You did a selfless and courageous thing - the right thing - in doing best by your DC. Any silly comments from others - well just let them trot right on, the idiots. You sound incredibly strong, but I know it doesn't make silly comments like theirs easy to dismiss, it can still get to you.

Would be really good if you could get to the GP tomorrow for an emergency appointment - you can ask about your DC's feeding, and look for better support for yourself too.

Always helps to think: what would I do if a friend was going through this? I'm sure you're in shock from your grief and OH's betrayal, you need to prioritise yourself so so much. You have value and are worth so much to others, especially your little baby. I know it's hard now but the darkness always goes - and deserve a good life, and you can make one for yourself

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of more helpful posters will be along shortly. Please keep posting xxxxxxx

You're baby doesn't hate you, she's only 9 months old. Baby's tend to feed of energy, maybe she senses something isn't right? You know you love your daughter and she loves you maybe just try to change your energy with her. I know it's easier said than done.
Maybe get rid of your ex and all the other negativity around you. I'm sure then it will feel like a big weight lifted and would be great help to your mental health and relationship with you baby.
Just remember she DOED NOT hate you. She's still a little baby you still have plenty of bonding time with her.

Thankyou both. I really have got a lot of support with DDs feeding, she sees a consultant, and a dietician and she is now being referred for some sensory therapy aswell incase there is a sensory issue behind why she wont eat, everyone's been so lovely. It's good to hear about kids who have got over this, thankyou.
Ex can't move out, I'm on council waiting list for a property so I can leave but it just seems to take forever and I'm lonely, I hardly see anyone except DD and her father anymore but I go back to work soon which I'm crossing everything will help, just being around adults a few hours a day, but at the same time if she reacts like this to me when I'm around all the time what will she be like when she doesn't see me as much?
I did get Counselling, I've been in and out of various therapies since she died, I was so much better which is why I decided to have my implant removed, I can't say I expected to conceive but I was so happy when I did, I love DD2 so much.
It's virtually impossible to get any appointment at my GPs, they have a machine which tells you the queue is full and hangs up from 8am till about 9 then when they finally answer they just tell you they cant fit you in and to call again tomorrow, they wont even let you book appointments in advance, apparently they "don't do that anymore".
I just don't know how to get over the fact my daughter has suddenly decided to be inconsolable everytime I'm go within 4 feet of her. I've never hurt her, and my mental health has been so much better recently, I thought we were doing well, no problems with bonding nothing, but suddenly it's like she's being murdered whenever I'm around.

I was coping really well and feeling really positive until she started this, she reaches out for her dad and screams and does everything she can to get away from me and to him suddenly. She was absolutely a mommies girl until yesterday and since then she's adamant she won't come to me

That's really good about people stepping up to help with your DD, it's such a testing time anyway and does feel personal!! Poor little girl will just be very emotional with her feeding etc - it isn't ideal for you but as the others have said, she doesn't hate you one bit. It will feel like that! She's just going through a tricky time and it's great she has a fantastic mum to help her through it :) I'll keep fingers crossed that it gets easier soon - and it will get easier, it's just a matter of time.

Bloody awful that shitty ex doesn't have the decency to move out while you're looking for somewhere else. I'm assuming he hasn't offered and won't go :( when you get back to work you might feel a lot lighter just being around more grown ups! It's great to get back into the swing of things like that, and literally just moves you out of the flat with ex - your mind will be focusing on other things too. Good stimulation!

Do not worry one bit about your DD - none of us can remember anything at that age, never mind whether our parents were working or not! I know tonnes of people who had working parents all through their childhoods, we only admired the parents - they weren't any less good at supporting their kids just because they worked. It's really good for you and her

Ps it sounds like you were recovering steadily after your DD passed on, it's your ex who's pushing you back now. As soon as you're free of him you'll have a clearer mind and better vision of how to handle DD and her feeding. Grief never goes completely but I hope it gets softer on you - always worth keeping up with the therapy if possible, like a health MOT

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run here either. It can be so hurtful when a little one pulls away, but am I right in thinking that this only started yesterday? She may just be having a rough few days.

If not though. I just wanted to offer you some reassurance - my baby went through phases (starting at the same age as your daughter) where he just didn't want me, he wanted his Dad - crying, screaming, the works. I felt awful and I think he probably picked up on my assumption that he just didn't like me and my hurt, and the more I expected him to act like that the more he did. It sucked. But it was only a phase. I sort of forced myself to reset so that I wasn't going into it reading too much into it (so much easier said than done, I know) and It didn't last long at all. It wasn't because I was a terrible mum or because he hated me, it was just a phase. He's now the ultimate Mummy's boy and clings onto me like a little koala, but sometimes he still has a few Daddy days.

I think going back to work helped for me too, as before his Dad had a definite novelty thing of coming home from work and baby being so excited to see him, vs. me who he'd been stuck with all day. Once I was coming back after time away too, I got all the lovely smiles and cuddles as well.

It sounds like you've had a really, really tough time of it, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm horrified that anyone's even daring to accuse you of not trying hard enough. You did what was right for your child.

Please know that your daughter needs you - more than anything - and that she loves you so much. She's so tiny and she's just doing what babies do - cruising through life without rhyme or reason, knowing you'll still be there at the end of the day. She loves you, and you're doing brilliantly. Just keep going, okay? It sounds like you're making plans and moving forward, even if things are going slower than planned and your ex is being awful. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I think you sound like a fab Mum.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the luck in the world moving forward

I just wanted to say that it is disgusting that anyone would question your judgment in turning off the life support for your dd. For what it's worth I'm not certain if I agree with Charlie Gard's parents and supporters, though I don't know all the ins and outs of the case. I think that as parents we need these decisions to be taken out of our hands, frankly, by people who can see the reality of the situation. So sorry for your loss.

And as for your dd, children are great for making us feel crap sometimes, but it is not their job to make us feel good, we've just got to keep on keeping on.

Your daughter has only been fussy with you since yesterday, it may well be some tiny random reason or that she's getting a cold or something. Try not to blow it out of proportion even though I know it's very hurtful!

It's utterly cruel to be blaming you for an affair or to be making comments about the Charlie case. This speaks volumes about your DP's low and horrible character.

Hang in there..you can do it.

op, just to touch on one aspect. Dh and I had to make the decision to turn off our dds life support also. She was going to be born early, and neonatologist had talk to us lots about how we'd make that decision. In the event, I had a cord prolapse and dd was stillborn, so we didn't need to make that decision.

Every time I hear Charlie's parents talk about fighting for him because they love him, or the media commenting on those lines, I feel like the inference is I didn't care for dd because I would have let her 'go'. I doubt many people who haven't been faced with such a decision could understand. Eleven years on, I still feel pain in my heart hearing the news stories.

Anyone who comments in anyway on your choices are really prize cunts.

Then when I had my surviving dd, I really struggled to bond with her. I think this can be understandable after losing a child. Eventually I started going to SANDS groups focussed on the next pregnancy/baby and found them very useful in helping to deal with grief surrounding loss. I'm not sure if you lost a baby, but you may find groups like this helpful if it's relevant.

Everyone has covered off the other bits, but obviously your living in such a toxic environment that no wonder you're struggling... ((())))

Sniff. Thankyou everyone. I'm trying not to overreact but I just feel so awful over the whole thing. It was a massive shock when she suddenly started refusing any contact with me though I think it may well be the novelty thing because her dads round so little and I think when it didn't stop quickly like I expected it just blindsided me. I'm glad other kids have gone through phases like this, not glad for the parents obviously but glad it seems normal and something she will get over.
I am definitely still attending all my mental health appointments even when I'm having good days, it's just so hard on the bad days especially when I have noone to turn to and I'm so grateful to you all for letting me turn to you.
I know I did the right thing for my DD, but having people say things like that constantly just shakes me and it's sometimes hard to hold on to that belief.
I'll try to remember it isn't personal, it's just so hard when every time I go near her she cries but she will smile for everyone else, even strangers. Her dad had her in the end last night because nothing I could do would calm her and I was falling asleep on my feet. He may be an asshole but he does love her and he didn't want to listen to her upset. I've slept for a couple of hours but it's so hard without her in the room with me, doesn't feel normal to go to sleep without her here. I'm going to try and take today a little gently, it's just so hard right now. Thankyou again.
Imip I'm so sorry for what you went through.
I did have a specialist bereavement midwife through my pregnancy who helped a lot and I put the fact that me and DD did bond solely at her door. She has done a lot of training with SANDS and Cruse and was a wonder. Sadly I live in the middle of nowhere and my nearest groups are over 90 minutes away by public transport in the city DD was born in, I don't drive for health reasons so the cost and time it takes to get there just aren't practical else I would try to attend.

How are you doing today OP? Feeling any better? Truly, my kid used to smile at everyone and anyone but me when he was going through these patches - his Dad especially but the postman, random ladies in shops, the bloody dog - everyone. It was nothing short of insulting But It honestly did pass. She'll get there soon enough. She needs you, and you're her only Mum.

So glad to hear you're keeping up with the appointments even when it's tough, and that you did get support with your pregnancy. It must have been incredibly tough. Have you had a chance to do anything just for you lately?

Thankyou, I'm coping a little better than I was but I'm still finding it hard. She's been upset a lot of today, she was fine this morning with her dad but once he left her with me she's been fussy. Doesn't want to play or nap or cuddle or anything really with me. she isn't screaming every time I go near her though which is good.
I don't really get time to do stuff for me, I'm trying to keep the house tody and looking after her and then when she finally goes to sleep at night once the laundry and stuff like that is done I'm too exhausted to do much more than crawl into bed myself. I used to take her with me to a craft group weekly which was nice but it's been cancelled and with everything going on I don't have time to do any at home.

Would a telephone helpline help the one I found is
childdeathhelpline.org.uk/
It looks like sands has a helpline www.sands.org.uk/

Glad she's no longer screaming but sorry to hear she's still grizzly - you mentioned maybe a dairy allergy so maybe it's that, and don't forget that sometimes babies are just cranky. My son was teething at about her age and was miserable as anything. It's so hard not to feel down about it, but I promise it's not you that she's upset with. This is exactly when she needs you most.

Sorry to hear your craft group got cancelled too - is there another one you could find nearby? Or a way that you can put some time aside at home for just a couple of hours a week where you get to do some crafts, regardless of whether there's laundry or other house stuff to do? There'll always be housework to do but getting that time for you is so, so important. And have you by any chance been able to talk to anyone about your grief?

Oh sweetheart. Parenting after a loss is so so hard. Anyone who thinks you didn't try hard enough or were wrong for turning off your dearest daughter's life support is an idiot. Caring for our children is so very hard and having to make a decision like that is the hardest thing ever.
I'm glad your midwife was good. Do you still have access to her?
The Sands forum has groups for those with rainbow babies. If you haven't been on there try it.
Your ex is a dick.
Your daughter doesn't hate you. She is maybe scared and in pain but she doesn't hate you. Let her ride it out and she'll cone back to you.

You loved your DD so might that you put her needs before your own. You let her go because you knew that to keep her on life support would be for your own benefit, not hers. You did what the parents you are being compared to have not yet found the strength to do for their child.

Your DD2 needs you. She may not show it but she loves and depends on you completely.

Take things one day at a time and come here to vent when you need to

So I feel really stupid, DD has had two teeth break through today, one on the top and one on the bottom. She's still whingy near me and smiling at everyone else especially dad but the teeth have at least given me a reason I can keep repeating to myself when I start doubting.
Thankyou for the support, I don't really have any time to myself and I cant really put any aside. I'm barely ontop of the housework as it is, it's livable but not tidy and I'm really ashamed of it so I can't cut down the amount I do there, infact I'm trying to find some more time from somewhere to do more and I suspect it will have to come out of the time I should be sleeping. I'm not sleeping well, managing 4-5 hours a night so I'm going to see if I can use the time I'm usually lay in bed awake to get some more done maybe once everything is clean and tody I can try to find some me time the laundry and washing up and stuff like that just seems to never go down though.
I think sometimes it just all gets too much, it doesn't help I've been trying to push the council to try to find me a place so I don't have to live with XDP anymore but I'm low priority because I have a roof over my head. I'm not sure moving is the right thing anyway,I've been looking and I would be reliant on tax credits and benefits providing I could magic childcare from somewhere, without childcare (so far I've found nowhere that doesn't cost almost all of my hourly wage) I would have to quit my job. Seeing the comments on here tonight on another thread by a woman with problems far worse than mine has reminded me I shouldn't be leaving somewhere I can financially cope to become a burden on everyone. I'm just going to have to stick it out till she starts school. Just it's so tiring facing this every day with the problems I already have. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better when I'm back at work and around adults a bit.
Thankyou for the support

Sending you lots of love. It sounds like you are going through a lot.

I know aged 2 years seems ages away now but I've heard that if you're on tax credits you get 15 hours a week of childcare paid for during term time after your child turns 2. Don't forget also to find out if your employer does child care vouchers, if not you can register for tax free childcare. The charity gingerbread can advise you more.
gingerbread.org.uk/content/425/Helpline

I shouldn't be leaving somewhere I can financially cope to become a burden on everyone

No, no, no. I didn't see that other thread, but you and your dd need a safe and sane situation to live in and there are lots of awful arseholes on mumsnet who are quite happy for all their taxes to go to trident and the bankers, but want the safety net to be taken away from everyone else.

If you can get enough benefits to make some sort of a life for you and your dd go for it, please. You have plenty of years left to be paying into the system.

What atenco said.

Thankyou AntiHop I'll give them a call and see what they suggest.
Atenco I guess I just already feel guilty that I'll be out of work again, I got my first job at 16 I like working, but I had to have two years off after my DD died when I couldn't leave the house. I don't like knowing that other people are having to pay for me and I know people do judge. I think I'm worried about being able to give DD a good life aswell, if I'm out of work again especially with the benefit reforms coming round I don't know how things will work out. I know I spent a lot of time not eating for days after my breakdown because the government simply couldn't/didn't want to pay me.
The whole thing just feels like a giant mess and I guess the lack of sleep with her being upset is just making it all feel worse.
Thankyou again everyone for the support and advice.