Struggling with the school run

[Fillyfolly]

During my teens I was very confident and very outgoing. I use to act, I did quite a lot of work and use to enjoy what I did
In my 20s my father died and i started to develop horrible crippling panic attacks. I lost my enthusiasm to act, I began to see it as a shallow profession. I began to withdraw and became reclusive and insecure but outwardly I still appeared "confident". I did speak to my GP. He didn't feel i needed medication and its something i didnt want either. I sought out alternative remedies and acupuncture helped me with the panic attacks. I slowly pushed forward, started working in another field, got married and had two children.
My oldest started school recently and that old feeling of panic started coming up during the school run. I can feel my heart thudding as I take my child's hand while pushing my youngest in the chair. I feel so selfish because it should be about my child not me. I want to feel normal!😣q

I suppose I'm not much of a conversationlist and I feel socially awkward in groups of people. One on one I'm fine. A lot of people believe I am aloof, nothing could be further from the truth. I just clam up. I have tried to overcome this by going outside my comfort zone and making small talk to the other mothers. I have been ignored by one particular person i was friendly with before so it's put me off it altogether now. I don't see why I should bother. It's not the "school run" I hate per se, it's how it makes me feel. I keep telling myself it's about my child not me and that i should not worry about how im perceived. But I'm worried this may affect my children’s chance socially. I don't know if this is making sense or if anyone understands this?

Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
The school run is just dropping off and picking up your child from school. You do not need to perform any kind of persona for this. Just smile, say hello. That's as much as you need to do. Remember, no one is looking at you, they're all to busy with their own shit.
Your son will build his own friendships and you will more than likely meet the parents and build friendships from there, but don't feel you have to be best friends with them, just be friendly and make the most of the contacts (having someone to text when unsure about dates of trips, non uniform days is invaluable)
Have you sought any help for your anxiety?

Sorry I meant recently, have you sought help. Sounds like you need a second opinion. I know you say you didn't want medication, but surely if it'd help, even just at the moment, it'd be worth it to get you back on track. Sounds like you're really struggling and like you say, you used to be really confident, so it's not like you to feel like this x

I'm not going to comment on your mental health.

What I will say is that from my experience the school run is stressful for most people.

In my day job, I'm a high flying executive - but put me in front of a set of mothers at the school gate and I found it excruciating. I still remember it years later.

I have no idea why. Maybe because I wasn't there every day?

I could happily stand in front of 20 plus senior executives but picking up my kid from school sometimes reduced me to jelly!

It's all past that for me now and what I learned is that my social standing in the "pick up group" had no bearing on my sons status at school. In fact the overbearing Mums were more of an embarrassment to their kids than I was.

Hope that puts it in perspective for you :-)

You really are not alone in this one! My son is just about to finish Year R. I dread having to chat with the mum's and dad's at the classroom door. Worse still is if they are walking the same way home as me. If they arranged group meet ups I avoid them, which I feel bad about as my son is very sociable and would love to meet at soft play with his friends. I also make my husband 'do' the birthday parties so I don't have to go. I guess what I'm saying is that I think it is probably common to find the school run, events etc stressful and anxiety provoking. I'm hoping that it will become easier with time.

I think that while you shouldn't force yourself to go to social events, if you don't socialise at all you end up in the situation of feeling on the outside, avoiding other mothers because of this then actually being on the outside because no one knows you.

You won't be the only person who feels this way, are there any other mums who stand quietly at the sides? If you can pluck up the courage try chatting to them.

Play dates are a good way to get to know people one on one as well, especially while the children are still young enough for it not to be just drop and run.

If you have the time you could also volunteer at the school. I find socialising much easier when I have a role, the PTA could be a bit much but helping with reading in the classroom or similar low key 'jobs' might be worth trying.