Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

why me?

27 replies

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:13

this may be a bit long, so in advance i apologise, I am a single mother of 3, ages 7,6 and 5, my ex husband left for someone else a week before i found out i was pregnant with my 3rd child. Ever since then he has just caused me hell. He's very violent and demanding, and everything has to be done his way. He has never really paid any maintenance, an odd few pounds here and there, and he has never been in the childrens lives regually, he will see them maybe once in two months, and have them over at his maybe 5 times in the year for one night at each time. Every day seemed like a struggle and still does sometimes, i have a good family, but dont always want to bombard them with my problems. 9 months ago i met a lovely guy, whom i have spent a lot of time with, he is good with the kids, and makes me feel really good, today my ex husband paid my boyfriend a visit and told him that its ok to be with me but to stay away from his children, well i'm with the children 24/7 apart from when i'm working so it is going to be impossible to see each other. my boyfriend doesn't want to cause any problems with the ex so is abiding by his rules. I feel totally lost and feel like everything is always going wrong as soon as something good happens. i dont have any control in my life as my ex still controls everything. i dont know what to do, i just want to run away from everything but know that i cant, i've had enough and just dont know wht to do anymore, i try so hard but nothing ever works out for me, i just needed to get all this off my chest, i dont know what anyone can say, i just feel so upset and cant stop crying

OP posts:
mamama · 23/03/2007 23:14

I'm sorry

{{hugs}}

malaleche · 23/03/2007 23:19

sorry too {{hugs}}
do you have custody of the kids? I know it doesnt make much difference if hes violent and thinks he can step on you...
What would happen if you stood up to him?

Molesworth · 23/03/2007 23:20

Your ex's behaviour is unjustifiable

What right has he to dictate how you run your life, really?

How would you feel about standing up to him? Would he threaten you with violence?

So sorry you're going through this

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:21

the kids live with me although we've never been through the courts for custody etc, they've just always been with me, i dont know what would happe if i stood up to him, in the past i've had bricks through the window etc, he's a nsty piece of work, he's just so horrible, i dont think he wants to see me happy

OP posts:
controlfreakyfluffybunny · 23/03/2007 23:23

you don't have to put up with this continuing control and abuse.... would you consider getting some legal advice? go to a specialist family solicitor who offers publicly funded help.... ask about injunctions and about residence / contact orders. knowledge is power. good luck.

Molesworth · 23/03/2007 23:23

He sounds like a complete bastard

Are you not divorced yet? I would formalize the situation legally and get the police involved if he started to get nasty. I know that's far easier said than done, but you can't live your whole life in fear of him.

malaleche · 23/03/2007 23:24

what a b**tard.
So sorry you're going through this.

malaleche · 23/03/2007 23:24

molesworth we keep x posting!

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:25

i would consider legal advice but i dont know what they could offer, i dont know what you need to get an injuction

ps thanks for the hugs mam and mala x

OP posts:
kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:26

yes we got divorced, it came through about 1 yr after my youngest was born

OP posts:
Chandra · 23/03/2007 23:27

Well, if he goes as far as throwing bricks to your windows, and treatens your boyfriend, perhaps next time you can ring the police?

Molesworth · 23/03/2007 23:29

lol great minds malaleche

Were access arrangements re: the children not made as part of the divorce?

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:31

i did call the police the last time, and it took nearly a month for them to come and take a statement, of which nothing was done, i think they see it as a domestic feud and nothing more

OP posts:
kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:32

no the children weren't included in the divorce, it was a simple adultery divorce, we didn't have any belongings to split, and i cant remember the children being mentioned, although i think maybe this was because i had them and he wasn't contesting it?

OP posts:
controlfreakyfluffybunny · 23/03/2007 23:33

to get an injunction you need to show that you need protection from him. if he has been violent and demanding... as you said, including bricks through windows etc. that should do it. incident of threatening your dp would be useful evidence too. make a list if you can of all the incidents you can remember.... any actual violence but also threats / harassment / pestering. if he acts in a criminal way (ie criminal damage throwing brick through window) phone police immediately.

Molesworth · 23/03/2007 23:33

I'm (almost) sure that if there are children there has to be a formal arrangement as part of the divorce - perhaps worth reading through the paperwork to check?

Definitely seek legal advice though. You cannot let this man run your life!

malaleche · 23/03/2007 23:35

how can it be a domestic feud if you are divorced? I mean that makes him the same as a total stranger doesnt it?

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:35

i really don tthink there is anything in there as far as children concerned, but i will check, and if not try and get something done, he is just messing up their heads too at the moment

OP posts:
controlfreakyfluffybunny · 23/03/2007 23:36

court dosent automatically make any orders re children on divorce. if no one has applied for any orders there wont be any. a residence order would settle where the children live (with you). a contact order would settle when they see him and a prohibited steps order could prevent him removing them from your care save for contact.....

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:36

thanks controlfreaky, i will do that i think, its just scary getting it moving, but i have to do it

OP posts:
kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:38

mala - thats not waht the police actually said, although thats the impression i got from their reaction to my report. nthing was follwed up etc

OP posts:
controlfreakyfluffybunny · 23/03/2007 23:39

how totally crap. you'd definitely do better getting some legal advice then.....

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:42

thanks, i already feel a bit better - i've actually stopped crying!

OP posts:
Molesworth · 23/03/2007 23:43

Bloody police

kisliz · 23/03/2007 23:43

they are crap

OP posts: