Hi all. I've never posted on this topic before. But I've been struggling with mental health for a few years now (I think) I have a 19 month old daughter and a partner who I adore (although we've been having shit times and I think quite frankly he's sick to death of me, always talking about splitting up) I don't have any family or friends for support. I've been "fantasising" about killing myself - or more specifically thinking how much better it would be for everyone if I was dead.
Obviously some days I feel less desperate and some days I'm hit so hard I can barely function. Fighting with OH doesn't help. And I'm a really introverted person, never go anywhere, see anyone, just spend all week as a SAHM.
This morning me and OH argued over something pathetic about how I'm lazy, criticising my role as housewife, whatever - I just came out with it. Told him "you won't have to worry about it for too much longer, I won't be here soon" to which he replied "what does that mean" and I said "I've been wanting to do it for 6 months now I can't go on" and since that conversation I've been totally ignored and when I tried to put my arms round him after the argument he was short with me and pushed me away. He's acting like he's just being off with me like after a normal row. But surely he must know how desperate I feel?? Did I do the wrong thing trying to tell him how I feel? It feels like I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I've been crying upstairs for hours and he's just totally ignoring me, won't even look at me. It's got me thinking that him having to live with me so depressed for so long that he just doesn't care what I do. He's ran out of sympathy for me or simply can't or won't understand. He says he wants to leave me anyway. If it wasn't for my little girl it would have already been done and I wouldn't be here. But even though I know I'm a terrible mother and she would be better off without me, I just can't bring myself to do it and leave her.
What can I do now? I've never told a doctor about this before. They know I had depression last year and put me on some antidepressants. But after 2 months of taking them I didn't ring up for my repeat prescription and didn't think they were working anyway so I gave up. When things got unbearable again a few months later I went back to GP to try and see if they'd prescribe a different type of AD but I saw another doctor who wouldn't do this - she gave me a self-referral form for counselling. But I don't want to talk to a scary stranger! I just want to feel better! Or at least find the courage to end my life.
Thank you for reading if you got this far.