I just can't find a way out of this :(

[Lostindarkness]

I've had anxiety for a year now. I'm trying so hard to find my old self but I feel that person doesn't exist anymore. I've convinced myself I'm dying, breast cancer. Even if I don't die now, the thought that one day I will and there's nothing I can do to change that is completely haunting me. I feel guilty for having my children as one day they'll have to face the same thing. My oldest is 4 and doesn't know about death yet. She tells me we'll be best friends forever but I know that forever doesn't exist and that breaks my heart.

I'm now just existing in this life. I look at family and friends and all I can think is that one day, these people won't exist anymore. I'll either have the heartache of losing them, or they'll lose me. I think about being on my death bed surrounded by loved ones knowing I'll not see them again. I can't cope with the reality of the fact life is not forever.

I don't know how this has happened to me or why but I'm so lost and I can't find myself. The happy outgoing person I used to be. I wake up at night filled with dread and thoughts racing. I can't go on like this.

Please help me.

I've just read that back. I don't actually have breast cancer (that I know of) but have found lumps that my doctor isn't concerned about.

Hi Lostindarkness

I am sorry that you are feeling like this. This type of problem can be difficult to manage. The first point of call for this type of problem is usually to see your GP. Is this something that you feel able to do?

Another option is too look in your area for a service called IAPT. If you do a Google search for IAPT and your area you will probably come up with a link to your local service - the service gets called different things in different areas. In some areas people who would like support can self-refer to IAPT, so you would not need to see your GP for this.

Lastly you could look for support privately, if you can afford to pay for treatment.

Some good self-help books exist if you are into that kind of thing. Self-help never did much for me, but it is worth exploring if you are self-motivated enough.

erin

Thanks for your reply erin

Do you know what exactly is wrong with me? I know there is an element of health anxiety but is there anything else going on?

I feel like I'm never going to experience happiness again :(

Alas, I do not. I am not a clinician, and even if I was, diagnosis-by-internet is in general ill-advised.

It is unlikely that you are never going to experience happiness again. It does feel like that though - it sort of goes with the territory.

Do you have any plans for today?

Thank you erin

I have decided to clean the house today. I'm hoping that a clear, clean and tidy house will help to clear my mind. I'm so tired though from not being able to sleep. My children and both so happy and content. I'm so very lucky to have them but I just can't enjoy things. I just think about the hardships they will go through in life and then the guilt sets in. I find their niavity quite distressing. How am I going to come clean to them abour the reality of life. That they'll lose everything at some point. I could never say this out loud or tell anyone IRL how bad this all makes me feel. I just need to get it out though as I've been bottling up too much for too long.

It's okay. You can get it out on here. Clean and tidy surroundings do wonders for me. Unfortunately I am shit at cleaning and tidying.

Your kids will probably figure it out as they go along. It's not as if you will need to sit down with them and disclose to them all of the hardships of life at one go. They will adjust. People are adaptable in general, and kids are adaptable in particular. Are your kids into cleaning and tidying? Some kids are, others not so much. I used to love doing the laundry and still do. They could help you, a four year old in particular. It might be more of a hindrance though. Depends on the child.

I find the Samaritans helpful when I am feeling similar to you. I am better at talking it all out than writing.

It's just me and the kids so cleaning is always a struggle. Determined to get it all done though. Nice fresh start to the week then. I just wish life was a little easier.

I have 4 children after the birth of my 1st And 3rd children I sunk into Depression, one Of the features of my depression was an all encompassing fear of death! It was all I thought about, I was literally googling the meaning of life and thought life was pointless..... However I now know that this fear was just my depression talking.... I took Prozac for a short while the first time I was struggling and it really helped. Years later when I has depression again I got through it in time. The only lasting effect I have is a real appreciation of life. I also have health anxiety quite severely but this is just something I accept and deal with. Im sure you will come out of this eventually! Best of luck to you,