My head is broken

[latika]

I'm on the edge, I feel like there's something wrong with my head and I just can't say it out loud in real life. I'm afraid if I do I'll lose what little control I have and everything will come crashing down.

My whole life is a pretence, I have a senior job in the finance industry and I get though each day by the skin of my teeth. Colleagues would say I'm good at my job but they don't see that I do everything at the last minute. I have zero planning skills and constantly procrastinate tasks that are really important but I dread doing. The only time I work to the best of my ability is when I have a deadline looming. Then suddenly I can get it together and deliver something, it's high standard but it's always last minute. I'm constantly thinking what have I forgotten and what do I have to get done so I don't drop a ball.

My mind is racing 24/7 and I can't concentrate for any period of time, I just zone out on calls or in meetings. My brain just can't focus on one thing for longer than 10 minutes. This means I wing stuff all the time and I'm beating myself up for not concentrating.

I have an aversion to any kind of paperwork and don't open letters. I just put them in a drawer and leave them there. I know they need to be dealt with but I just can't and I don't know why. I procrastinate everything and even housework is put off.

I really struggle to talk about my feelings I can't discuss something that's upsetting me with friends or family because I feel like I will be vulnerable or weak by admitting the feelings or asking for help. Bad memories are just pushed down inside me and I don't ever deal with them. I test the people around me sometimes behaving badly or hurting them to see if they really love me or if they will leave me. If there's something emotional that's upsetting me I just check out and just cut contact with anyone who tries to get me to talk about it or to face it. I have friends but I don't feel that the friendships are fufilling or rewarding and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve them.

I have an awful history with men and I now recognise that I have a really bad desire to be liked and do things that I shouldn't early in relationships to get them to like me. I don't know why I do this but I'm still doing it now and don't know how to change it. I also discount men with good prospects and choose unsuitable men probably because I just don't feel good enough.

I spend time thinking about how I want my life to be but lack the motivation or commitment to make the changes that would help me get there. I spend hours day dreaming, rewriting things in my head. I lie to myself about things that I can't face or deal with.

I don't know how to fix myself. This is the first time I've admitted to these things, I'm ashamed that I'm such a fuck up, Over the past few days I keep seeing a scene in my head of me with a rope round my neck, the only way I can get to sleep is by focussing on this and it brings some peace.

Arghh I cant even manage to change my username either ;(

Hi there, I just wanted to reply and bump this so perhaps someone with more knowledge could help. I'm concerned about the rope coment...can you go to your GP? Please do x

Wow, you are describing my brain over the last decade or more.

This could be depression, but it might not be. I had all you describe, and still do a lot of days, but I've learned how to stop my brain going a million miles an hour all the time. I had depression as well, and would sob for no apparent reason at random moments.

You may find CBT helps with some of the negative thought spirals your are experiencing.

You may also be interested in this point:

The standards expected of you are, say, a 5 on a scale of 1-10 in terms of what your have to produce at work. You, however, want to put everything out at a 9 or 10. So when you come in at a 6 or 7, you think you have catastrophically failed despite you producing work above the standard required of you.

Resetting your own expectations of yourself is very hard to do and CBT might help with that.

You are not alone. You are capable. You may well need a break and avoid burn out, but it doesn't mean you're broken.

Latika a lot of what you're describing is familiar to me too - the chronic procrastination, always wearing a mask and a good dose of imposter syndrome thrown in too. It sounds like you are reaching a bit of a critical point though and you should perhaps talk to your doctor. I have finally sought help recently and hope it will help. Reaching out here is an important step. Keep talking to us xo

I wonder if some of what you are experiencing is anxiety and then you are avoiding the things that make you anxious , and then of course it causes more anxiety. And some anxiety is coming from that, and some from reduced confidence because you are aware you are putting things off.
What they say, is to move towards your anxiety, don't avoid, so open the letters, make a plan or set of goals ( Google SMART goals) to help you.
If you can't , and you are stuck , you might need some CBT etc to help.
Pushing things down, and not opening up with your feelings and addressing things is also a cause of anxiety, because everything builds up.
Start in small steps, small goals, small opening ups and take it from there.

Sorry, totally missed the comment about imagining a rope around your neck: you need to see your doctor , and if these feelings remain or get worse to seek immediate help in AE.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other Mumsnetters will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.