I am utterly miserable.
Utterly utterly, utterly miserable.
I cant even begin to tell you how long I have felt like this.
I feel like the happiness part of the brain that everyone has and that fires up when good things happen or when they achieve something, just doesnt exist in me. I feel like when my brain was made, the happiness bit was just missed out.
Nothing i do, achieve, or experience makes me feel happy.
I have literally tried everything, antidepressants, therapy, NLP counselling and perhaps it does something for a short while, as soon as i'm left to my own devices - any small effects from it all are gone.
The NLP stuff has worked the most but now i cant even face thinking about it and all the 'tools' I have been taught. It all just seems so fake and like im trying to force some sort of happiness on myself when its not there. Its all just so fake. Its like pretending to be happy when your not.
I feel like im just in despair at how hard this life is, i cant see anything in sight which i feel excited about. I can see my future and its a long time of paying bills and rent i cant afford because i cant buy a house and rent is so much higher than most mortgage payments these days.
Life is shit and unfair and all i can see is hardship for the rest of my life.