When I was nineteen (in 2010) I had a bad time. My father was abusing me, my sister was violent towards my mum and I. I was handling all of my mum and sister's care (both long term issues). I was taking my mum to A&E almost weekly with her seizures (psychiatric cause although that shouldnt change anything). Much of this was my life since I was very young, 4 or 5, when I started being a carer. My mum had seizures at home most nights and I used to fetch neighbours. Didn't get any help from anyone - noone said hang on , this isnt good - until I was 15 and by then it was too late.
I had zero support at all in 2010 - no friends, family refused to help, said it was my fault they were the way they were (if I said to my gran my mum was ill - yeah, what did you do to cause it this time? What do you want me to do about it?) . I was balancing uni at times and my grandparents told me I was selfish to keep going , on one memorable occasion told me to fuck university.
I started self harming , tried cutting which wasnt effective so burnt my arm with my straighteners a few times , a couple of times must have gone too deep as theres still a scar . Then biting, which I've stopped this year, but have peripheral nerve damage to my arm and hand and a lot of scarring.
I did approach a GP at the time and she said it was weird , and to.keep it a secret between me and her as 'doctors don't do mental health well', she said if I told anyone else they'd pack me off to a psych unit and she said that would ruin my life. Said I had an obvious personality disorder causing my problems and making me strange .
Something .. exploded and one day I hit my mum.. more than one occasion . The thought makes me feel sick. My mum is my best friend (codependancy) and I wouldn't dream of it now but then I did. I turned into an abuser myself surely, and now years on it bothers me. My mum never mentions it to me . My family at the time simply told me it cemented their view that my mum's illnesses were my fault etc. I hated /hate myself for what I did and realise now how wrong it was.
I tried to commit suicide back then and didn't go through with it. A CPN at 4am on the phone talked me down, as did a Samaritan called Robert one night.
I've never spoken in detail about that summer to anyone. I had psychiatric help , I saw a psychologist for 2 years for psychotherapy , I'm now having CBT again. They all know about harm , I have a diagnosis now but I shut down quickly with self harming and can't find the words to say I hit my mum.
I read this post and it's all 'I, me' which seems wrong and I can't figure out how to write it better , because my concern should be my mum and how she feels. She never mentions things and always tells me she loves me , proud of me etc and I want to cry. I feel guilty for not being there and for hurting her when she needed my help, for feeling angry at everything and taking it out on her.
I can't bring myself to tell people now. I don't like me at all and to care for myself is very hard and part of it is because I feel i don't deserve it. I don't brush my teeth as much as I should, drink enough water or go to the toilet when I need to.
Current GP (not the first one who has since taken early retirement) keeps saying I am a lovely person who deserves to be looked after and counsellor says the same . GP has given me a hug a couple of times - once I've started crying and can't stop. I always think why should I be good to me , I should be good to my mum first.
I don't know how to handle it all. Next time I see GP is the 17th and counsellor is the week after , but GP says the option is there to phone her anytime . Maybe I can somehow sort it myself ? I thought about apologising again to my mum (I have many times) but not sure she'd appreciate that, probably upset her I think :(
Not sure why this is playing on my mind just now.