Anger and how to deal with it

[Upyeronsen]

New poster. I've lurked and commented but never started a post.

I feel pretty desperate and wonder if anyone has any experience.

I am really struggling to control my anger. It's mostly directed towards my children and husband. It makes me absolutely hate myself but I just can't control it; I see red and then that's it. I smacked my little boy's bum today and that's not something I want to be doing in the heat of the moment. I adore them and everything I do is to make them happy and comfortable then I lose my shit and shout and fume if they don't do what I ask or if they're being particularly hard work. I must be doing them damage and the thought of it is eating me up but I can't stop. I hid in my son's bedroom and counted up and down to 10 today but it doesn't help.

My husband is amazing but I have little to no support from family, so I can't just deposit them somewhere and give myself a stern talking to. Plus my husband works a lot in a job which keeps him away for long days. I've had a couple of weekends off recently and that's helped but as soon as I'm back in charge, invariably something happens to kick off my anger.

I really don't know what to do but I don't want to ruin my beautiful children and my relationship with an amazing man. Any ideas?

Do you know what causes the anger? Are you angry about things from the past or recent events?
You could contact your GP, who would be able to refer you to people who do anger management. I was going to do it once but the course was a really inconvenient time in the evenings but I wish I'd done it now!!!

If you are someone who finds reading stuff helpful, I recommend the book When anger scares you by John Lynch. It helped me. I need to re-read it actually.