So.... I became a mum last July and after 11 years of trying and failing. Happy doesn't even cover how happy I was to finally become a mummy. During my pregnancy work made several promises (never on paper) that I could return to my post on a flexible hours after I had the baby if I returned after 6 months. So even though I wanted to take more time with my baby I also wanted to return to my post as moving would cause my anxiety to take over and I had it under control. When I had my back to work meeting they said it wasn't possible to return to my post unless it was full time hours. I had put in several requests for flexible working which were all denied as the staff team weren't willing to work extra and they would not provide the team with an extra member of staff. I had to go back full time or move to another service and to be honest a 6 month old and coping with severe anxiety was not a fun idea so I agreed under the condition I wouldn't have to pick up overtime and I could leave at the end of my shift and not be left stranded at work.
As a support worker I knew not picking up any overtime would be impossible so I agreed to occasional extras if I had an early finish if childcare wasn't going to be an issue. Literally on my first week back my shifts were being changed without being asked first and from there it's gone from bad to worse. Instead of piling on the overtime my shifts have been swapped and changed near enough every week and when I've been asked to do overtime I've been doing it thinking I didn't want to let the team down but in doing so I've literally worked myself down to the ground, I've felt like everyone else is bringing my daughter up and now my depression and anxiety have gone mental. I've asked for help over and over again. I had to go to a team leader to ask them to look at why my Rota was different to everyone else's because I wasn't getting anywhere with the senior. That's when the shit hit the fan, I was the worst person in the world, deleted from social networking and accused of going above seniors head to put in a grievance. This wasn't the case but I felt like I'd let everyone down. Finally got to the bottom of it and it was an error the senior had made and it could be amended. I continued feeling more tired and was told there's nothing they can do and that I can't expect preferential treatment just because I'm a new mum. I went to the doctors and was put on beta blockers, I had to go back again after a month but things were still getting me down an the anxiety was starting to take over. Leaving home other than to go to work was becoming more and more difficult. There was a death in the family but I said I would carry on working but take time off to attend the funeral. I went back to the doctors an had my anti depressants changed. Finally I started to feel a little bit more like myself.
I went to work feeling more positive because I had took control and asked the doctor for help and for once they had listened. The doctor had requested for any overtime to be removed as it was causing an increase in my symptoms. I went to work and the request was instantly ignored, then I was told the team had been slaggin me off and were not willing to cover any of my shifts so that sent my head into overdrive. These were my friends, the people who kept me going and kept me positive before I had the baby. I didn't understand what i had done to cause this sudden change. Within 10 minutes I was in bits, my head had taken over, I was no longer part of the team, my friends hated me and I just knew staying in work was not an option and I needed to get home. I requested to go home only to be told no one would cover me. So I was vulnerable, I was leaking from my eyes in a room full of people luckily I was out of sight so only one or two people could see me, (I never cry infront of people) and I was being told I wasn't allowed to go home and had to stay over night until the following morning before anyone could take over.
I pulled myself together and continued my shift luckily only 2 staff members had seen me cry so the service users were none the wiser but I was stranded and I needed to get home. I knew I had to go to the doctors again. I got a sick note for a week and slowly started to feel a bit better. I got a fit note again requesting my hours would be looked into and overtime stopped so I could build myself up again slowly. I then got pulled into the office for a back to work meeting on the day I was returning to work. I asked my other half to attend as I always feel pressured and forget what I've been told. I was positive and ready to return to work but then I was told the mum of who I look after had been in touch concerned as I had been "physically emotional" infront of her in the service. Considering I very rarely cry and I hadn't seen her for a few weeks this wasn't true I was then gave the option to move to another service. Instantly my heart sank and the anxiety started to bubble I explained moving was not going to be an option as I would suffer more. I always thought I was a valued member of staff, we'll.. .. before I had my baby, and my mental health was never an issue, I was always stronger when supporting people as my full focus was on them. This was always the case since returning to work too but now that I needed to take a time out to get myself sorted all of a sudden I'm a liability I was told to get another sick note and ring on Monday to let them know if I had a note. Once again I returned to the doctor who was not impressed that his shift amendments had been ignored and I was back for another sick note. He gave me another week off but added a strongly worded note asking if the company was up on their legislation.
Each day I felt a little better and had to contact work after the weekend. I felt like I needed to see the service users mum to reassure her that I'm the same person. I did this through management and a day and time were agreed. Finally I was getting somewhere and I'd be able to return to work and get things back on track with my work mates. The next day I got a call saying the meeting was cancelled and i needed to ring and discuss my hours for the following week. I spoke to management only to be told the meeting was cancelled as it was "confrontational" and that once again another issue had been brought up. This time I had so called left my medication out in the kitchen where the service user could help herself and I had also done this infront of her mum (still haven't seen her in months). Another lie but this was the reasoning behind being told I'm not allowed back in that service for a while and moving to another service or getting another sick note would be essential. 😕 So to remove me from the service they are having to make stuff up because I'm bloody good at my job and i follow routines i put in place when i started there that work really well! How is this fair? I've been over worked, had a child and now less flexible I'm suddenly an emotional wreck crying all the time and leaving my medication out of my locked case for anyone to get their hands on.
I literally don't even know what to do. I don't want to return to the company after this, i dont think i can keep taking all this crap like water off a ducks back but if I leave I lose any benefit entitlements while I look for another job. Can i ask the doctor to sign me off sick completely so I don't have to return to this company as that's where all my anxieties lie or will I have to leave and pray I'll get another job quickly so I can feed my little girl? 😔 sorry for the essay! X